Veering Way off to the Right | T | HG
Title: Veering Way Off to the Right. At Speed. Way off. Like, so far over there it’s not even funny. Or is it?
For: Myself, because I needed to laugh.
Chapter Rating: T
Chapter Warnings: Lolz
Featured Characters/Pairings: Hermione, Mattie
Chapter Word Count: 1,872
Summary: Hermione gets a couple of surprises when working late one night.
Author's Note: Lolz
Veering way off to the right. At speed. Way off. Like, so far over there it's not even funny. Or is it?
'We need to talk.'
Hermione jumped and stared up at the woman who was glaring down at her. To say she was shocked to see Mattie in her office was an understatement, especially as she had had no warning of her arrival. It was as if she had apparated right in front of her even though that was impossible.
'Um... okay, hi, Mattie, won't you come into the office... so nice of you to make yourself known to me.' She knew that she was done being bitchy to Mattie but she felt she had a valid point.
Mattie tilted her head to the side. 'Sorry, that was rude. I'll... make myself known next time.'
Hermione raised her eyebrows and nodded. 'Thank you. So, what did you want to talk about? Pull up a chair if you want.'
Mattie turned around and pulled the nearest chair towards Hermione's desk. She sat down and propped her feet on the edge of the wooden furniture. Hermione suppressed her eyebrows and let the action pass.
'There's something I haven't told you about. Well actually, there's two things really.'
Hermione held up her hand. 'Mattie, just because we've decided to actually try and be civil and possibly even nice to each other, doesn't mean that you have to start spilling your deepest, darkest secrets.'
'How did you know that my secrets are deep and dark?'
Hermione blinked not entirely sure if Mattie was joking or not. Mattie didn't smile so she had to presume, for the minute, that she was being genuine.
'It's just a turn of phrase, Mattie.'
'Oh, yes of course. I knew that.'
Hermione waited for Mattie to continue with one or a number of her secrets, deep and dark or otherwise. Mattie didn't say anything. Hermione sighed.
'Well...' Hermione prompted.
Mattie jumped and shook her head. 'Right. Yes. Well, the thing is... there really is no way to put this that won't shock you so... I mean I could try and soften the blow but really that would be pointless because-'
'Mattie what the hell are you trying to say?'
'I'm a vampire!'
Hermione blinked a few times before the full impact of Mattie's words hit her.
'But... but...'
Mattie tilted her head to the side, waiting for a more coherent response from Hermione.
'But it's eleven o'clock in the morning!'
Mattie frowned. 'What does the time have to do with anything?'
Hermione shook her head. 'I mean, it's the daytime, granted it's peeing it down outside but it's still light from the sun. How the hell are you... a vampire?'
'Well, I suppose that's not the worst way someone has reacted when I've told them I am in fact the Living Dead so I'll take it. Trust you to go with logic before emotion, though!'
Hermione blinked some more not having a clue how to react to anything Mattie was saying. She had yet to move past 'this is ridiculous'.
'I dunno how it works, apparently there are two types of vampires, the original, evil type who die during the day and insist on feeding on humans and only humans.'
'And the other kind?'
Mattie shrugged again. 'Honestly I'm not entirely sure what we are, I mean, technically we are vampires because of the whole... drinking blood thing but we never sleep and we have something of a skin... condition... type thing... Anyway, we're less savage and more fun!'
'I...' Hermione still had no idea what to say or do or even think. Hermione Granger didn't like not knowing what to think.
'Kinda cool, huh! Makes life interesting, anyway!'
'I... well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it. But... you still need to ingest blood regularly.'
'Kinda. I mean it's more satisfying if it's human blood, tastes really sweet and just...' Mattie's eyes seemed to slide out of focus, Hermione didn't want to imagine what she was thinking about, 'sorry, yes, human blood tastes better to us, I mean the non scary vampires, we try and use other methods. St. Mungo's developed a potion that helps with the suppression of wanting to attack humans for food. It works most of the time.'
'Oh! Well that's excellent! As long as it works most of the time!'
Hermione slid her hand across the table and hoped Mattie hadn't noticed she had stopped right next to her wand. Mattie looked at the table and snorted.
'Bitch, please! I could have that snapped in two and have you pinned against the wall before you move half an inch!'
The half-threat stirred up a question in Hermione's mind.
'So why am I not dead then? Or attacked or fed-upon or turned? I've hardly been your favourite person of late, Ron-. Wait, does Ron know about you being-?'
'Not technically alive? Yeah, he figured that one out pretty quick. When you don't sleep it doesn't take a long time to edit a book, you know.'
'Yes, I'm sure that was the first thing that gave you away! Ron's... okay with it? You haven't cursed or hexed him or anything?'
'Oh, I see, you think that I'm the evil bitch who's got him bewitched so he loves me and not you? Please, Hermione, do you know how tiresome it is keeping someone cursed all day every day?'
'Can't say I do, actually!' Hermione said, anger flooding through her.
'Well, lets just say it's hard work.'
'Should I ever need to curse someone for prolonged periods of time I'll bear that in mind! Now answer my question!'
'No! All right! I have not bewitched my fiance into loving me. Believe it or not, vampires are lovable too, you know!'
It was all Hermione could do to not laugh out loud but she managed to contain it, knowing it probably end badly if she did.
'Considering you're a vampire you drink like a fish, you know!'
Mattie laughed. 'Yeah, I know, I probably shouldn't either, I get angrier when I drink.'
'Probably best to stop then!'
Once more Mattie shrugged. 'Meh, makes life interesting.'
'Interesting! You really do like that word, don't you?'
'I do, yes, and I'm about to make your life a lot more interesting.' Before Hermione had time to retort Mattie continued. 'You need to get over yourself and into another relationship. Brooding over what you thought you were going to have is not healthy.'
'Well, thank you for that brilliant advice, Matilda, I'll store that right next to the 'how tiring it is to curse someone' information. I'm sure they'll be as important as each other in the future.'
'No need to be sarcy! I'm just trying to help.'
'How exactly?' Hermione exclaimed.
'Go out with me!'
Hermione shut her eyes, even blinking was too much for her brain at the minute. Then her brain shifted into gear and she realised she had jumped to conclusions.
'Mattie I really don't think going out on the pull with you is a good idea.'
Mattie smiled. 'No, no, you misunderstand. I meant go out with me. Or stay in with me. Or any variation thereof.'
Hermione stared at her. Both blinking and closing her eyes was beyond her at this point. She coughed and took a deep breath.
'Just so I am perfectly clear because I really need to clarify things here for my own sanity before my brain implodes in on itself and drips out my ears, you want me, Hermione Granger, someone who has only ever been in love with one person, your fiance I hastily add, who is human and male, my type, basically, to start going out with a supernatural being, a friendly vampire if you will, who is female? Something that would have me act, as I believe it's called, out of character in every possible way imaginable.'
Mattie thought for a second and then nodded and grinned.
'Yeah! Pretty much. The reason why I've been fighting with you so much... well I was jealous at first, of course I was, and I knew you were a threat to me and Ron, and then I realised that I was jealous of Ron a little because of everything that you'd had together before me. Well, I want you both, you and Ron and I want you to have us both.'
Hermione felt something twitch in her head. She was pretty sure a small part of her brain had just died. She expected to feel something dripping out her ear in the not to distant future.
'I... I... But... What?'
'Think about it!' Mattie exclaimed as she jumped up from her seat and started pacing back and forth in front of Hermione's desk. You get Ron which is what you want and you get me as a bonus!'
'A bonus? You want me to be part of a menage a trois with my ex-boyfriend and his vampire fiance?'
'Yes!'
'No! Have you lost your mind? Wait, this has to be a joke, surely!'
'Not joking! Ron agrees. He thinks it's the best way to go forward!'
'No, I think the best way forward is for you to leave and for me to forget everything you have said since you entered the room!'
Mattie gave an over-exaggerated sigh before standing up and putting her chair back to where it had been previously with ridiculous ease.
'Look, just think about it! It could be brilliant! Even if I do say so myself I am brilliant in bed and I know that you know Ron is as well. It could be... explosive.'
Hermione didn't trust her self to say anything and she watched as Mattie turned with a grin and stalked out the room. Hermione slumped back in her chair.
'This can't be real,' she muttered to herself. 'This has got to be a dream!' she exclaimed, hope rushing through her. 'Pain, I need to feel pain.'
She picked up her wand and aimed a stinging hex at the back of her hand.
'Ah! Bloody hell! Wait, no, that can't mean... think Hermione!'
She thought. I need to wake up, everyone waked up when they think they're falling!
She sat on her chair and pointed her wand at one of the legs. It blasted off and the whole thing fell sideways. Hermione closed her eyes and waited for the impact that she knew would never come.
She hit the floor with a bang and a thud and her head came into contact with the floor at speed.
'Ow, ow, ow!' she shouted before the realisation came over her that she was awake and had been through her entire conversation with Mattie.
It was all real.
Mattie was a vampire.
Mattie wanted Hermione to be part of her and Ron's relationship.
She stumbled to her feet and waved her wand at the chair. It repaired itself and she sat heavily down onto it.
'Well, there's only one thing for it.'
She aimed her wand at her head and, knowing the risks involved she concentrated and reassured herself that this was the best thing, the only thing she could do to make this all better.
'Obliviate!'
For: Myself, because I needed to laugh.
Chapter Rating: T
Chapter Warnings: Lolz
Featured Characters/Pairings: Hermione, Mattie
Chapter Word Count: 1,872
Summary: Hermione gets a couple of surprises when working late one night.
Author's Note: Lolz
Veering way off to the right. At speed. Way off. Like, so far over there it's not even funny. Or is it?
'We need to talk.'
Hermione jumped and stared up at the woman who was glaring down at her. To say she was shocked to see Mattie in her office was an understatement, especially as she had had no warning of her arrival. It was as if she had apparated right in front of her even though that was impossible.
'Um... okay, hi, Mattie, won't you come into the office... so nice of you to make yourself known to me.' She knew that she was done being bitchy to Mattie but she felt she had a valid point.
Mattie tilted her head to the side. 'Sorry, that was rude. I'll... make myself known next time.'
Hermione raised her eyebrows and nodded. 'Thank you. So, what did you want to talk about? Pull up a chair if you want.'
Mattie turned around and pulled the nearest chair towards Hermione's desk. She sat down and propped her feet on the edge of the wooden furniture. Hermione suppressed her eyebrows and let the action pass.
'There's something I haven't told you about. Well actually, there's two things really.'
Hermione held up her hand. 'Mattie, just because we've decided to actually try and be civil and possibly even nice to each other, doesn't mean that you have to start spilling your deepest, darkest secrets.'
'How did you know that my secrets are deep and dark?'
Hermione blinked not entirely sure if Mattie was joking or not. Mattie didn't smile so she had to presume, for the minute, that she was being genuine.
'It's just a turn of phrase, Mattie.'
'Oh, yes of course. I knew that.'
Hermione waited for Mattie to continue with one or a number of her secrets, deep and dark or otherwise. Mattie didn't say anything. Hermione sighed.
'Well...' Hermione prompted.
Mattie jumped and shook her head. 'Right. Yes. Well, the thing is... there really is no way to put this that won't shock you so... I mean I could try and soften the blow but really that would be pointless because-'
'Mattie what the hell are you trying to say?'
'I'm a vampire!'
Hermione blinked a few times before the full impact of Mattie's words hit her.
'But... but...'
Mattie tilted her head to the side, waiting for a more coherent response from Hermione.
'But it's eleven o'clock in the morning!'
Mattie frowned. 'What does the time have to do with anything?'
Hermione shook her head. 'I mean, it's the daytime, granted it's peeing it down outside but it's still light from the sun. How the hell are you... a vampire?'
'Well, I suppose that's not the worst way someone has reacted when I've told them I am in fact the Living Dead so I'll take it. Trust you to go with logic before emotion, though!'
Hermione blinked some more not having a clue how to react to anything Mattie was saying. She had yet to move past 'this is ridiculous'.
'I dunno how it works, apparently there are two types of vampires, the original, evil type who die during the day and insist on feeding on humans and only humans.'
'And the other kind?'
Mattie shrugged again. 'Honestly I'm not entirely sure what we are, I mean, technically we are vampires because of the whole... drinking blood thing but we never sleep and we have something of a skin... condition... type thing... Anyway, we're less savage and more fun!'
'I...' Hermione still had no idea what to say or do or even think. Hermione Granger didn't like not knowing what to think.
'Kinda cool, huh! Makes life interesting, anyway!'
'I... well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it. But... you still need to ingest blood regularly.'
'Kinda. I mean it's more satisfying if it's human blood, tastes really sweet and just...' Mattie's eyes seemed to slide out of focus, Hermione didn't want to imagine what she was thinking about, 'sorry, yes, human blood tastes better to us, I mean the non scary vampires, we try and use other methods. St. Mungo's developed a potion that helps with the suppression of wanting to attack humans for food. It works most of the time.'
'Oh! Well that's excellent! As long as it works most of the time!'
Hermione slid her hand across the table and hoped Mattie hadn't noticed she had stopped right next to her wand. Mattie looked at the table and snorted.
'Bitch, please! I could have that snapped in two and have you pinned against the wall before you move half an inch!'
The half-threat stirred up a question in Hermione's mind.
'So why am I not dead then? Or attacked or fed-upon or turned? I've hardly been your favourite person of late, Ron-. Wait, does Ron know about you being-?'
'Not technically alive? Yeah, he figured that one out pretty quick. When you don't sleep it doesn't take a long time to edit a book, you know.'
'Yes, I'm sure that was the first thing that gave you away! Ron's... okay with it? You haven't cursed or hexed him or anything?'
'Oh, I see, you think that I'm the evil bitch who's got him bewitched so he loves me and not you? Please, Hermione, do you know how tiresome it is keeping someone cursed all day every day?'
'Can't say I do, actually!' Hermione said, anger flooding through her.
'Well, lets just say it's hard work.'
'Should I ever need to curse someone for prolonged periods of time I'll bear that in mind! Now answer my question!'
'No! All right! I have not bewitched my fiance into loving me. Believe it or not, vampires are lovable too, you know!'
It was all Hermione could do to not laugh out loud but she managed to contain it, knowing it probably end badly if she did.
'Considering you're a vampire you drink like a fish, you know!'
Mattie laughed. 'Yeah, I know, I probably shouldn't either, I get angrier when I drink.'
'Probably best to stop then!'
Once more Mattie shrugged. 'Meh, makes life interesting.'
'Interesting! You really do like that word, don't you?'
'I do, yes, and I'm about to make your life a lot more interesting.' Before Hermione had time to retort Mattie continued. 'You need to get over yourself and into another relationship. Brooding over what you thought you were going to have is not healthy.'
'Well, thank you for that brilliant advice, Matilda, I'll store that right next to the 'how tiring it is to curse someone' information. I'm sure they'll be as important as each other in the future.'
'No need to be sarcy! I'm just trying to help.'
'How exactly?' Hermione exclaimed.
'Go out with me!'
Hermione shut her eyes, even blinking was too much for her brain at the minute. Then her brain shifted into gear and she realised she had jumped to conclusions.
'Mattie I really don't think going out on the pull with you is a good idea.'
Mattie smiled. 'No, no, you misunderstand. I meant go out with me. Or stay in with me. Or any variation thereof.'
Hermione stared at her. Both blinking and closing her eyes was beyond her at this point. She coughed and took a deep breath.
'Just so I am perfectly clear because I really need to clarify things here for my own sanity before my brain implodes in on itself and drips out my ears, you want me, Hermione Granger, someone who has only ever been in love with one person, your fiance I hastily add, who is human and male, my type, basically, to start going out with a supernatural being, a friendly vampire if you will, who is female? Something that would have me act, as I believe it's called, out of character in every possible way imaginable.'
Mattie thought for a second and then nodded and grinned.
'Yeah! Pretty much. The reason why I've been fighting with you so much... well I was jealous at first, of course I was, and I knew you were a threat to me and Ron, and then I realised that I was jealous of Ron a little because of everything that you'd had together before me. Well, I want you both, you and Ron and I want you to have us both.'
Hermione felt something twitch in her head. She was pretty sure a small part of her brain had just died. She expected to feel something dripping out her ear in the not to distant future.
'I... I... But... What?'
'Think about it!' Mattie exclaimed as she jumped up from her seat and started pacing back and forth in front of Hermione's desk. You get Ron which is what you want and you get me as a bonus!'
'A bonus? You want me to be part of a menage a trois with my ex-boyfriend and his vampire fiance?'
'Yes!'
'No! Have you lost your mind? Wait, this has to be a joke, surely!'
'Not joking! Ron agrees. He thinks it's the best way to go forward!'
'No, I think the best way forward is for you to leave and for me to forget everything you have said since you entered the room!'
Mattie gave an over-exaggerated sigh before standing up and putting her chair back to where it had been previously with ridiculous ease.
'Look, just think about it! It could be brilliant! Even if I do say so myself I am brilliant in bed and I know that you know Ron is as well. It could be... explosive.'
Hermione didn't trust her self to say anything and she watched as Mattie turned with a grin and stalked out the room. Hermione slumped back in her chair.
'This can't be real,' she muttered to herself. 'This has got to be a dream!' she exclaimed, hope rushing through her. 'Pain, I need to feel pain.'
She picked up her wand and aimed a stinging hex at the back of her hand.
'Ah! Bloody hell! Wait, no, that can't mean... think Hermione!'
She thought. I need to wake up, everyone waked up when they think they're falling!
She sat on her chair and pointed her wand at one of the legs. It blasted off and the whole thing fell sideways. Hermione closed her eyes and waited for the impact that she knew would never come.
She hit the floor with a bang and a thud and her head came into contact with the floor at speed.
'Ow, ow, ow!' she shouted before the realisation came over her that she was awake and had been through her entire conversation with Mattie.
It was all real.
Mattie was a vampire.
Mattie wanted Hermione to be part of her and Ron's relationship.
She stumbled to her feet and waved her wand at the chair. It repaired itself and she sat heavily down onto it.
'Well, there's only one thing for it.'
She aimed her wand at her head and, knowing the risks involved she concentrated and reassured herself that this was the best thing, the only thing she could do to make this all better.
'Obliviate!'