ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
So technically I'm supposed to be finishing a Bio Physics paper that is due tomorrow but instead I am writing here because i feel like it could be more fulfilling than the conversation that I had tonight with James.
I know that it was getting late and he needs sleep and I should be working on the paper I mentioned above, but damnit we were just starting to talk about the whole science issue and the conversation was just not going to happen. It's like a huge tease to have it brought up, even if I was the one who did, and then not have it talked about in a serious conversation. Because as much as we have talked about it lately, I feel as if he hasn't been taking it seriously because i keep on giving in and letting him. When all i really want is to have a serious conversation about it where we discuss how we both feel and how we are going to manage this. I know that it's a huge hurdle to overcome, but what makes it especially aggravating to me is sensing (and possibly truthfully) that he really just doesn't give a shit about it and expects me to leave it that way. I cannot continue putting up the front that this does not bother me, because it does. I think about how can we be as serious as we are, if he doesn't take things that I talk about seriously, with the care that I show the things that he cares about. If I know that he likes something I will try it, try to understand it and at least show an interest, because hey, guess what, sometimes you can become interested in something you don't initially like or know anything about just because you are open to it. And it mostly seems like he's not open to it. It's like he just lets me talk about it, but he doesn't care about what I am saying---so why even say it? I am just talking for myself then, and anything that I feel is important is instantly lost and i just feel that what I saw as important should be degraded, and that leaves me feeling extremely dejected.
I know that I should have said something more explicitly before this to him but each time I have tried it's not like I have been met with any kind of open mind or even some kind of receptiveness. I don't know why I would even try---EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME! And I think that that in and of itself is the real killer of my passion, of my wanting to share of myself with someone that I care about.
I have been trying really hard to change the things that I have been wanting to work on, and I have even been changing things that I didn't know that I was because I have been open to other things (even though I know that I haven't changed as much as I might think that I am.) I am not going to put all the blame on myself (for the first time) because I don't feel it is entirely my fault. I have tried to be respectful of his position, but I am getting to the point of how can I respect something that can, to put it bluntly, just piss me off at times. "God has a sense of humor making opposites attract" I cant remember who said that but at times it is really really true.
Now that I am just rambling on and on I'm going to stop and try to finish my paper now, even though I am not in any mood---not even close.
p.s. how fitting that I am listening to nowhere fast...
I know that it was getting late and he needs sleep and I should be working on the paper I mentioned above, but damnit we were just starting to talk about the whole science issue and the conversation was just not going to happen. It's like a huge tease to have it brought up, even if I was the one who did, and then not have it talked about in a serious conversation. Because as much as we have talked about it lately, I feel as if he hasn't been taking it seriously because i keep on giving in and letting him. When all i really want is to have a serious conversation about it where we discuss how we both feel and how we are going to manage this. I know that it's a huge hurdle to overcome, but what makes it especially aggravating to me is sensing (and possibly truthfully) that he really just doesn't give a shit about it and expects me to leave it that way. I cannot continue putting up the front that this does not bother me, because it does. I think about how can we be as serious as we are, if he doesn't take things that I talk about seriously, with the care that I show the things that he cares about. If I know that he likes something I will try it, try to understand it and at least show an interest, because hey, guess what, sometimes you can become interested in something you don't initially like or know anything about just because you are open to it. And it mostly seems like he's not open to it. It's like he just lets me talk about it, but he doesn't care about what I am saying---so why even say it? I am just talking for myself then, and anything that I feel is important is instantly lost and i just feel that what I saw as important should be degraded, and that leaves me feeling extremely dejected.
I know that I should have said something more explicitly before this to him but each time I have tried it's not like I have been met with any kind of open mind or even some kind of receptiveness. I don't know why I would even try---EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME! And I think that that in and of itself is the real killer of my passion, of my wanting to share of myself with someone that I care about.
I have been trying really hard to change the things that I have been wanting to work on, and I have even been changing things that I didn't know that I was because I have been open to other things (even though I know that I haven't changed as much as I might think that I am.) I am not going to put all the blame on myself (for the first time) because I don't feel it is entirely my fault. I have tried to be respectful of his position, but I am getting to the point of how can I respect something that can, to put it bluntly, just piss me off at times. "God has a sense of humor making opposites attract" I cant remember who said that but at times it is really really true.
Now that I am just rambling on and on I'm going to stop and try to finish my paper now, even though I am not in any mood---not even close.
p.s. how fitting that I am listening to nowhere fast...