Betrayal of the Heart
What was I supposed to do? Be #2 in his life? Come between him and his new family? If he really loved/ loves me he would be with me and not her. He would love his child and stay with me. Love doesn't make sense!!!! It just hurts. I was happy once. I was on cloud 9, but now I'm back down to earth... back to reality and pain. Why did I think I could be happy. What makes me so selfish to think I deserved happiness?
I am only human...
Who am I supposed to run to now? Who am I supposed to tell everything to now? Who am I supposed to kiss and hug and love now? Who am I supposed to dance with now? Why won't the tears stop? Why won't the pain subside? I feel like something is cutting me inside. Deep. He hurt me more than he could ever had done with any knife or fist or words.... he broke my heart. Not because he wanted to but because he felt like he had to. I have to forget that his heart still belongs to me. I have to forget that I love him too. I have to forget him....
I want to hate him!!! I want to scream at him and tell him he's wrong for doing this to us... but I can't... not when I'm looking into his eyes. I see everything when I look into his eyes. I see love and pain and hate and hope and hopelessness, but mostly I see happiness that we had that is gone now and will never return. It's gone forever. And so is my heart...
I will ALWAYS love you!!! I will ALWAYS think of you and wonder how you are!!! I will ALWAYS think of how it was and how it could of been!!!! You will ALWAYS be in my prayers... you and your child and your child's mother... You will ALWAYS be in my heart... the one you healed just to shatter again!!! You will ALWAYS be.....
A friend wrote this... I couldn't of said it any better...
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes it hostage. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'I love you but it can't be, It's just not fair to her' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Not justin the heart. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. I hate what it makes us. Happy at first and then alone in the end. Betrayal."
Megan*
John and Megan
October 11 - October 31, 2005/ November 5, 2005