tracing circles around the sun
spoke with my granpa this morning, was blown away by how out-of-it he's getting. he told me he got me a birthday card, and mind you my b-day is in november, and he later made a comment that its good that im driving again because "thats good excersize". i dont want to see him lose it, not the man who bought me my first blue plastic flute. fuck getting old.
had pleasant late-morning chat session with the rents, ate amazing fruit salad they made with blackberries, pears, walnuts and apples.
today is, after all, the day to thank your mother for pushing you out. thanks mum.
my head is divided between extreme emotions, part of me is elated to be so in love, with the most amazing person* i could hope to find, and the other part of me is depressed because my cat might die. to me, the tormented state is to live in split selves where guilt scolds your pleasure. i have to go pick her up in a few hours because i simply cannot afford to keep her on fluids any longer. tomorrow is more testing and prodding and screening her, all to locate this mysterious evil that has plundered her health. i cant help but feel this inclination that they will simply not find anything, as is my usual confidence in the medical world. i wish money wasnt the reason i cant help her more. im already needing to pull $550 out of my ass, and who knows how much more tomorrow and the next day. its so hard....so hard when to say when enough is enough. i just dont know what all of this is really doing for her.
all i want to do is curl up back in my love's arms, close my eyes and fall away from the reality that i might lose her.
until then, a long hot shower to steam away my morbid thoughts.
my nose has that tingling of sadness you get just before the tears drip.
---ia
had pleasant late-morning chat session with the rents, ate amazing fruit salad they made with blackberries, pears, walnuts and apples.
today is, after all, the day to thank your mother for pushing you out. thanks mum.
my head is divided between extreme emotions, part of me is elated to be so in love, with the most amazing person* i could hope to find, and the other part of me is depressed because my cat might die. to me, the tormented state is to live in split selves where guilt scolds your pleasure. i have to go pick her up in a few hours because i simply cannot afford to keep her on fluids any longer. tomorrow is more testing and prodding and screening her, all to locate this mysterious evil that has plundered her health. i cant help but feel this inclination that they will simply not find anything, as is my usual confidence in the medical world. i wish money wasnt the reason i cant help her more. im already needing to pull $550 out of my ass, and who knows how much more tomorrow and the next day. its so hard....so hard when to say when enough is enough. i just dont know what all of this is really doing for her.
all i want to do is curl up back in my love's arms, close my eyes and fall away from the reality that i might lose her.
until then, a long hot shower to steam away my morbid thoughts.
my nose has that tingling of sadness you get just before the tears drip.
---ia