Remembering...
"I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where the heart is, then I'm out of place. Lord give me strength to make it through this somehow. I've never been more homesick than now."
Yeah, that's about how I feel right now. I miss her. Last year, about right now I was being told that I was going to be given the chance to say goodbye to my grandma. I had a few minutes to go in the room and tell her goodbye and release her to go to Heaven. This woman that I had the best relationship with, she was my friend and we talked about everything, was going to go home. I see it so clearly. I remember the moments I spent with her in her room. I sang to her. She used to love to hear me sing. I read to her from the Bible. I wrote her a letter and made her some promises that I've kept. She stared out the window. I think she may have looked at me once or twice in those last few moments. Then I watched her breathe her last breath and I knew when it happened that she was gone. My heart pounded inside me and I was almost begging for someone to say, "She's gone." But no one would! Then my mom finally announced it. The nurse came in, checked her vitals, then unplugged the oxygen machine. We all lost it at that moment. I haven't quite grieved the way I feel that I should. I'm afraid to let go of it. Instead, I cry a bit, then tell myself I have to be strong. Why am I so stubborn? Why am I so afraid to cry a little while?
My grandma always knew what was going on in my life. I told her everything! She would listen to me talk for hours upon hours. My greatest sadness is that I can't share my upcoming joy with her. The joy of Greg, of graduation, when I get married, when I have kids. I want her to be a part of all this. I'm sure if she can look down, she's smiling. I hope she's proud of me. Thank God for Greg. All of a sudden I broke down on the phone tonight. Like I haven't in forever. He is my best friend. He put down everything he had to do for tomorrow to be here for me. He amazes me. Anyway, I wish my grandma was here to witness the overflow of joy that I have now. Maybe in Heaven she's looking down and rejoicing with me...
Yeah, that's about how I feel right now. I miss her. Last year, about right now I was being told that I was going to be given the chance to say goodbye to my grandma. I had a few minutes to go in the room and tell her goodbye and release her to go to Heaven. This woman that I had the best relationship with, she was my friend and we talked about everything, was going to go home. I see it so clearly. I remember the moments I spent with her in her room. I sang to her. She used to love to hear me sing. I read to her from the Bible. I wrote her a letter and made her some promises that I've kept. She stared out the window. I think she may have looked at me once or twice in those last few moments. Then I watched her breathe her last breath and I knew when it happened that she was gone. My heart pounded inside me and I was almost begging for someone to say, "She's gone." But no one would! Then my mom finally announced it. The nurse came in, checked her vitals, then unplugged the oxygen machine. We all lost it at that moment. I haven't quite grieved the way I feel that I should. I'm afraid to let go of it. Instead, I cry a bit, then tell myself I have to be strong. Why am I so stubborn? Why am I so afraid to cry a little while?
My grandma always knew what was going on in my life. I told her everything! She would listen to me talk for hours upon hours. My greatest sadness is that I can't share my upcoming joy with her. The joy of Greg, of graduation, when I get married, when I have kids. I want her to be a part of all this. I'm sure if she can look down, she's smiling. I hope she's proud of me. Thank God for Greg. All of a sudden I broke down on the phone tonight. Like I haven't in forever. He is my best friend. He put down everything he had to do for tomorrow to be here for me. He amazes me. Anyway, I wish my grandma was here to witness the overflow of joy that I have now. Maybe in Heaven she's looking down and rejoicing with me...