burned out
is basically what i am right now. i'm so over grad school. i was fine, actually, until recently. and now i just want to get out. but i have 2 more years. which isn't that much, i know, but still. i haven't had my 1st committee meeting yet, so right now isn't exactly the time to be thinking about graduating since they're the ones that tell me when i'm done. but i just want to be done. i thought that vacation would help me focus again... not really. it just made me realize how much i want to be in a position where i have a little more control over what i do. where the expectations for me aren't to spend 60-70 hours a week in lab; where i can take a vacation or a weekend trip without worrying about whether or not my science will suffer for it; where i can go to daily mass if i want or take dance classes at night and not have to wonder whether my boss will get mad at me and think i'm not working enough. i'm just done.
and maybe part of it is the fact that most people on the same floor as me leave 1-2 hours before i do everyday. maybe it's because i've been doing the same thing for the past year, and i don't feel like i've made any real progress. for all the work that i've done, i don't feel like there's been any reward, because i don't have a publication with mostly my own work.
but then... technically, i've only been here for 3 years. i'm starting my 4th year, which makes me feel like i need to be more accomplished, but i guess on average (maybe?) 4th year is really when people start publishing papers. i just don't know how i'm going to make it through the next 2 years. (and hopefully it's only 2!) i mean... it's a day-by-day kind of thing. that's true. but i guess i want to be sure that as soon as i get to year 5, that i will be out in less than a year. i don't care if the department average is 5 years after you join the department. 5 and a half total is what they told me when i interviewed, and by God it will be 5 and a half when i finish. which puts me at walking in spring 2011. 31 months. except i think i have to defend sometime before graduation. ... 30 months. alright... it looks like it's time for me to start planning the rest of my graduate school career. probably fortunate that i'm actually writing my dissertation proposal right now, otherwise i wouldn't know where to start.
anyway, let's hope i work hard enough in the next 30 months to walk may 2011.
and maybe part of it is the fact that most people on the same floor as me leave 1-2 hours before i do everyday. maybe it's because i've been doing the same thing for the past year, and i don't feel like i've made any real progress. for all the work that i've done, i don't feel like there's been any reward, because i don't have a publication with mostly my own work.
but then... technically, i've only been here for 3 years. i'm starting my 4th year, which makes me feel like i need to be more accomplished, but i guess on average (maybe?) 4th year is really when people start publishing papers. i just don't know how i'm going to make it through the next 2 years. (and hopefully it's only 2!) i mean... it's a day-by-day kind of thing. that's true. but i guess i want to be sure that as soon as i get to year 5, that i will be out in less than a year. i don't care if the department average is 5 years after you join the department. 5 and a half total is what they told me when i interviewed, and by God it will be 5 and a half when i finish. which puts me at walking in spring 2011. 31 months. except i think i have to defend sometime before graduation. ... 30 months. alright... it looks like it's time for me to start planning the rest of my graduate school career. probably fortunate that i'm actually writing my dissertation proposal right now, otherwise i wouldn't know where to start.
anyway, let's hope i work hard enough in the next 30 months to walk may 2011.