(no subject)
Crashing from my night out yesterday, I opted out of going anywhere this fine saturday evening. Which, after some rationalizing, I've decided is completely fine... And once I told myself to fricken calm down and enjoy it, I watched an old favourite. The movie is called Gossip and it came out ages ago, when I was in junior high, so I guess about 6 years ago... And yeah it's got Joshua Jackson and Kate Hudson but they're not the main characters and yeah, it portrays university life much more glamourously than that which any of us have (that was one of the reasons I was so enamoured with it back in the day, because I thought I was going to be a kickass cool uni student...oh well) but it's also good for a bit of a gut twister, a bit of a mind f..., one of those movies where you're like "whoa, I have to watch it again" once you get to the end.. At least I thought so, maybe I'm just nostalgic or something but it made me rather happy.
And now I'm watching the religion channel because there's a major program on how evil harry potter is and I've always wanted to hear the fundamentalist try and back this up.. I mean really, do you have to worry about this stuff when most kids have been watching the simpsons since they were in the womb? or if they find out about sex in grade two from the kid who decided to strip the barbies and make them do stuff, or since the kids just have to live in this world anyways? And where is the credit, I mean if your kid WANTS to get into witchcraft, there's very little you can do anyways, they have to make their own decision, as a parent you can set a good example but maybe reading this stuff is the first step to not being influenced, to having to decide the difference between fiction and fantasy. I think the scarier thing is if kids never learn that, if they're over protected, then they're just walking time bombs for susceptibility and not thinking for themselves.
*shudder* the program even has its own "dun dun dunnn" backgroun music. I used to feel holy for watching religious tv, like it was time well spent. Who's kidding themselves, is there really any time well spent while the tv's on? lol oh well soon I'll play video games and we all know that's a much better past-time... wow I'm a loser.
I apologize to the people whose ljs are spammed with this because I retardedly haven't learned how to cut my long entries into a link. I have a friend who had to go to Source and pick up some softcore for his/her psychology study (I want to keep him or her very anonymous so I won't even give out the sex, paranoid a bit but I don't want to get in trouble for GOSSSIP..dunn dun dunnn.. go rent the movie). The newest trend in the faculty is arousal research .. so that's how they do it, they hook a machine up to your special parts and get you to watch a movie and monitor your reaction. So he/she's testing out the effectiveness of the movies with his/her significant other today. Wish I could justify my bad habits with scholarly progress lol, even if they're not in this area. "Um yeah.. I'm doing a study on the correlation between liver damage and drinking... that's why I've been skipping class to nurse my hangovers" just joking, I don't drink on weekdays anymore, as my friend has reminded me (I've probably written this before) "we're not in our first year anymore stef" .. no we're not. Now is just getting through it.. there's quite the consensus in my third year classes of a burnt out sensation.. we're tired of cramming facts in and spewing them out for an A. But you've heard me rant about the academic machine before.
You know, I don't even think I'd be useful in a study like that, I mean how aroused can you really get when you've got wires coming from your.... ok no more talking about it.
So I did my last sociology observation in Humpty's restaurant, for an hour, in the smoking section on the coldest day of the winter. See, the afternoon was the only time I could do it, I really wanted to show at 2am because that's when all the drunks come on over from Essies and since the place is 24hours, the poor waitresses have to deal with them ordering pan scramblers till the wee hours and having worked right close there till late lots of us would go to humpty's for a coffee to calm down after a long stressful shift. And being stone sober you sure catch everything, the guys who are shouting, the girl who looks like she's about the pass out, eye liner smudged down her face and her head on the shoulder of a gangly guy in a cowboy hat that's got his arm around her a little too tight. My favourite was the guy who came in with one of those bags they put over parking meters when they're not working that he had put over his head and ripped eye holes in it. He ran around the place like that, going to every table, trying to get people to cheer for him because he was drunk. ... It was that or I wanted to go in the morning before 10am because they have real cheap breakfast from 6-10am and all these interesting people come out of the woodwork to take advantage of this, I knew this from a day when I was just pissed off at my life and had to get out of my house and humpty's was obviously the logical choice. Anyways, back to the observation (I really shouldn't be writing about this now, I have to do the damned paper tomorrow), I drove up to the place and thought "oh shit" because the parking lot was empty and the place was empty, they were vacuuming when I came in and something in my brain connected with the below 30 weather outside and I asked for a table in the rectangular quarentined smoking section and it was gold. Within five minute the place was packed. Any smoker would have died trying to have a puff outside so there was a wide spectrum of people, from seniors to business people to the mentally handicapped and teenagers. A good one to watch was a lady, about 40 yrs old, who came in by herself and sat in the corner smoking but was so nervous about just being there by herself for that reason so she started talking on her cell phone and never stopped until she was leaving. The younger people, about 20 to my left kept talking about weird things, "you know what sucks, the lobsters keep getting smaller but the price keeps going up" .. maybe they knew I was listening in, or lobster was a pseudonym for something or they really are interested in them. Yeah, I know I've delved into a new form of creepiness for this class and right about now you're saying the arousal study looks less freaky than this but... we were told to get detail. Frig beware for students with notebooks at coffee shops.
headache's coming back. You know I'm so danged lucky and I don't even know how to appreciate it. How does that happen? When people actually loose the ability to feel something or to feel something enough? People are so nice to me. I have so many opportunities. I have days after days. Heck I cold sound like Jan Arden and break into "I've got a good mother." A car. A computer. A best friend and then some. And yet so desensitized that I have to pace my room in a panic about something, anything, at least every month. There's always something more to upset me, to get angry about, to feel depressed about... but I do belive it's not the world, it's me. And I don't know what's normal because we all only have our experiences, how do you know how someone else experiences happiness? If your level of happiness is less than theirs or more? Normal is being able to deal with life? Is it? Who can? It's just day after day and I guess if you call that dealing then yeah most of us make it.
The above paragraph isn't depressed, it's just thoughtful. And more babbling, i don't think anyone's made it this far in the entry so maybe I don't have to apologize if it came across badly anyways. Do you like small talk? I find it a very high pressure situation, you have about 5 minutes to make a great impression or say something that would leave this person wanting to actually say hi again or maybe to make them feel a bit better about their day or associate talking to you as a pleasant experience. And so maybe that's why I'm so horrible at the whole thing because I'm just too worried about screwing it up when it comes about about. I say stuff I know no one needs to hear, things like "Boy is it cold outside" or "How are your classes?" and then I deviate once they reply and end up with a lot of slow pity nods and akward excuses to keep on walking. I've become an expert at faking tunnel vision at school and it's really sad, almost scary how easy it is. You see someone, know you have nothing worthwhile to say or anything worth stopping them, then you convince yourself that they probably want to avoid conversation with you as well and look straight ahead, past them, out the window, up the stairs, develop a cough, a need to look at your cell phone, something on your clothing that needs examining. And then they're gone. And the social opportunity is gone. And your both intact. Right? I wonder if other people do this too. I wonder if I'm right and they're grateful I didn't have to stop them. I also wonder if anyone who has the unfortunate experience of an ambitious me giving out a "hey what's up?" actually feels good about the ensuing small talk. What do you think? I small talk even worth it? It's important somewhere in the process of getting to know people and ideally it's a passing thing because you don't have to screw around with small talk usually when you're talking to a good friend ... but there are people who never cross that threshold and I just keep babbling about the weather to them day after day until I don't know what else to do than divert my eyes.
Social akwardness is interesting in itself. It's nice to think there will always be people more and less social capable than myself. All talents and skills appear on a spectrum and most people aren't at the ends. I find it reassuring. If you're a general person, there will always be someone fatter than you and someone thiner, someone with a bigger nose and someone with a smaller one, someone smarter and someone dumber... etc.
That's a nice thought to end with.
And now I'm watching the religion channel because there's a major program on how evil harry potter is and I've always wanted to hear the fundamentalist try and back this up.. I mean really, do you have to worry about this stuff when most kids have been watching the simpsons since they were in the womb? or if they find out about sex in grade two from the kid who decided to strip the barbies and make them do stuff, or since the kids just have to live in this world anyways? And where is the credit, I mean if your kid WANTS to get into witchcraft, there's very little you can do anyways, they have to make their own decision, as a parent you can set a good example but maybe reading this stuff is the first step to not being influenced, to having to decide the difference between fiction and fantasy. I think the scarier thing is if kids never learn that, if they're over protected, then they're just walking time bombs for susceptibility and not thinking for themselves.
*shudder* the program even has its own "dun dun dunnn" backgroun music. I used to feel holy for watching religious tv, like it was time well spent. Who's kidding themselves, is there really any time well spent while the tv's on? lol oh well soon I'll play video games and we all know that's a much better past-time... wow I'm a loser.
I apologize to the people whose ljs are spammed with this because I retardedly haven't learned how to cut my long entries into a link. I have a friend who had to go to Source and pick up some softcore for his/her psychology study (I want to keep him or her very anonymous so I won't even give out the sex, paranoid a bit but I don't want to get in trouble for GOSSSIP..dunn dun dunnn.. go rent the movie). The newest trend in the faculty is arousal research .. so that's how they do it, they hook a machine up to your special parts and get you to watch a movie and monitor your reaction. So he/she's testing out the effectiveness of the movies with his/her significant other today. Wish I could justify my bad habits with scholarly progress lol, even if they're not in this area. "Um yeah.. I'm doing a study on the correlation between liver damage and drinking... that's why I've been skipping class to nurse my hangovers" just joking, I don't drink on weekdays anymore, as my friend has reminded me (I've probably written this before) "we're not in our first year anymore stef" .. no we're not. Now is just getting through it.. there's quite the consensus in my third year classes of a burnt out sensation.. we're tired of cramming facts in and spewing them out for an A. But you've heard me rant about the academic machine before.
You know, I don't even think I'd be useful in a study like that, I mean how aroused can you really get when you've got wires coming from your.... ok no more talking about it.
So I did my last sociology observation in Humpty's restaurant, for an hour, in the smoking section on the coldest day of the winter. See, the afternoon was the only time I could do it, I really wanted to show at 2am because that's when all the drunks come on over from Essies and since the place is 24hours, the poor waitresses have to deal with them ordering pan scramblers till the wee hours and having worked right close there till late lots of us would go to humpty's for a coffee to calm down after a long stressful shift. And being stone sober you sure catch everything, the guys who are shouting, the girl who looks like she's about the pass out, eye liner smudged down her face and her head on the shoulder of a gangly guy in a cowboy hat that's got his arm around her a little too tight. My favourite was the guy who came in with one of those bags they put over parking meters when they're not working that he had put over his head and ripped eye holes in it. He ran around the place like that, going to every table, trying to get people to cheer for him because he was drunk. ... It was that or I wanted to go in the morning before 10am because they have real cheap breakfast from 6-10am and all these interesting people come out of the woodwork to take advantage of this, I knew this from a day when I was just pissed off at my life and had to get out of my house and humpty's was obviously the logical choice. Anyways, back to the observation (I really shouldn't be writing about this now, I have to do the damned paper tomorrow), I drove up to the place and thought "oh shit" because the parking lot was empty and the place was empty, they were vacuuming when I came in and something in my brain connected with the below 30 weather outside and I asked for a table in the rectangular quarentined smoking section and it was gold. Within five minute the place was packed. Any smoker would have died trying to have a puff outside so there was a wide spectrum of people, from seniors to business people to the mentally handicapped and teenagers. A good one to watch was a lady, about 40 yrs old, who came in by herself and sat in the corner smoking but was so nervous about just being there by herself for that reason so she started talking on her cell phone and never stopped until she was leaving. The younger people, about 20 to my left kept talking about weird things, "you know what sucks, the lobsters keep getting smaller but the price keeps going up" .. maybe they knew I was listening in, or lobster was a pseudonym for something or they really are interested in them. Yeah, I know I've delved into a new form of creepiness for this class and right about now you're saying the arousal study looks less freaky than this but... we were told to get detail. Frig beware for students with notebooks at coffee shops.
headache's coming back. You know I'm so danged lucky and I don't even know how to appreciate it. How does that happen? When people actually loose the ability to feel something or to feel something enough? People are so nice to me. I have so many opportunities. I have days after days. Heck I cold sound like Jan Arden and break into "I've got a good mother." A car. A computer. A best friend and then some. And yet so desensitized that I have to pace my room in a panic about something, anything, at least every month. There's always something more to upset me, to get angry about, to feel depressed about... but I do belive it's not the world, it's me. And I don't know what's normal because we all only have our experiences, how do you know how someone else experiences happiness? If your level of happiness is less than theirs or more? Normal is being able to deal with life? Is it? Who can? It's just day after day and I guess if you call that dealing then yeah most of us make it.
The above paragraph isn't depressed, it's just thoughtful. And more babbling, i don't think anyone's made it this far in the entry so maybe I don't have to apologize if it came across badly anyways. Do you like small talk? I find it a very high pressure situation, you have about 5 minutes to make a great impression or say something that would leave this person wanting to actually say hi again or maybe to make them feel a bit better about their day or associate talking to you as a pleasant experience. And so maybe that's why I'm so horrible at the whole thing because I'm just too worried about screwing it up when it comes about about. I say stuff I know no one needs to hear, things like "Boy is it cold outside" or "How are your classes?" and then I deviate once they reply and end up with a lot of slow pity nods and akward excuses to keep on walking. I've become an expert at faking tunnel vision at school and it's really sad, almost scary how easy it is. You see someone, know you have nothing worthwhile to say or anything worth stopping them, then you convince yourself that they probably want to avoid conversation with you as well and look straight ahead, past them, out the window, up the stairs, develop a cough, a need to look at your cell phone, something on your clothing that needs examining. And then they're gone. And the social opportunity is gone. And your both intact. Right? I wonder if other people do this too. I wonder if I'm right and they're grateful I didn't have to stop them. I also wonder if anyone who has the unfortunate experience of an ambitious me giving out a "hey what's up?" actually feels good about the ensuing small talk. What do you think? I small talk even worth it? It's important somewhere in the process of getting to know people and ideally it's a passing thing because you don't have to screw around with small talk usually when you're talking to a good friend ... but there are people who never cross that threshold and I just keep babbling about the weather to them day after day until I don't know what else to do than divert my eyes.
Social akwardness is interesting in itself. It's nice to think there will always be people more and less social capable than myself. All talents and skills appear on a spectrum and most people aren't at the ends. I find it reassuring. If you're a general person, there will always be someone fatter than you and someone thiner, someone with a bigger nose and someone with a smaller one, someone smarter and someone dumber... etc.
That's a nice thought to end with.