120 days in solitude
So... I guess the deal with being 17-21 years old is that apparently every decision has the potential to be a life shaker... I was thinking today.. well actually I was watching season 3 of the Gilmore Girls since my mom and I finally bought it and watched 3 episode in a row (whoo yes, my life can finally be based on year old sit-coms) ..and so I was thinking about how much stress I put on myself making decisions back in grade twelve. The scholarship hype and the u of l application and figuring out that I'm just for sure not an english major and yes I can do science... yeah it was big. And then changing to psych and soc with the double major undertaking, then the "scew co-op, I'm going to Quebec for my first summer in university" was a fun one too.. And somewhere someone is tallying it all up because apparently these are all life or death decisions. Then there's the people and the living space, the saving money or not, the lack of vehicle and mooching off my parents, those are all decisions, or just some things I had the illusion of control over. And the whole mating ritual gets more intense as people utter words like marriage, "the one", moving in, etc etc .. almost enough to get me forgetting I told myself I'm not even going to worry about it till 25. World travel first, some sort of degree, being myself and building myself first instead of building myself on someone else. My mother has the ability to freak anyone out about the future, my whole family is into dread and impending doom when it comes to any decision.
BUT like it or lump it for me, these four months of summer are mine, not by arrangement but just by the way things fell out by happenstance.. usually in my life when odd things just work themselves into impecable situations it's for a reason - not some sort of soap opera, teary eyed "destiny" sort of thing - just some common sense thing where life itself says "yeah, this is good for you, this is what you need." .. Then it's pretty hard to fight it, I mean I could be sitting around stressed about the life decisions I'm not making right now but that's only using the situation against myself. And I know I'm just supposed to breathe; if I haven't wrecked my life in 19 years, I won't screw it up by not facing or rushing or contriving things for four months (one down, three to go).
I know when september comes nothing will be in this space anymore. It won't be easier, life doesn't get easier, just different. And everything will come face to face, all the factors flat on the table and any decisions will be informed and for sure a long time coming.. But that's the best route, not to make any sudden movements right now, not to push through with idealism or despair, with hope or momentary bursts of happiness but to just be independant and grow that part of myself into a new sort of competance.
It's my time. That's not selfish, I plan on volunteering and learning and putting it to good use. But other than that.. these are just four months.
BUT like it or lump it for me, these four months of summer are mine, not by arrangement but just by the way things fell out by happenstance.. usually in my life when odd things just work themselves into impecable situations it's for a reason - not some sort of soap opera, teary eyed "destiny" sort of thing - just some common sense thing where life itself says "yeah, this is good for you, this is what you need." .. Then it's pretty hard to fight it, I mean I could be sitting around stressed about the life decisions I'm not making right now but that's only using the situation against myself. And I know I'm just supposed to breathe; if I haven't wrecked my life in 19 years, I won't screw it up by not facing or rushing or contriving things for four months (one down, three to go).
I know when september comes nothing will be in this space anymore. It won't be easier, life doesn't get easier, just different. And everything will come face to face, all the factors flat on the table and any decisions will be informed and for sure a long time coming.. But that's the best route, not to make any sudden movements right now, not to push through with idealism or despair, with hope or momentary bursts of happiness but to just be independant and grow that part of myself into a new sort of competance.
It's my time. That's not selfish, I plan on volunteering and learning and putting it to good use. But other than that.. these are just four months.