pressure of paranoia
"all those big words he must have learned in college" -modest mouse
"it's always the fallen ones I think are going to save me" -3EB
I think my brain is crawling out of my head trying escape. What can I do, nothing? For sure nothing, there is nothing for sure. It's amazing because I'm left alone with myself. i thought I wanted some time void of anything. Right now it's void of purpose. I'm sitting here trying to write, trying to findsomeone to talk to... someone who will sympathize, tell me I'm right, and shower attention on me. Which is why I'm posting crap like this. Tell me it'll be alright, tell me I'm stronger than this and I haven't made all the wrong decisions, tell me the future is going to work out fine and that I'm not entirely wrong, tell me my grasp on reality has not flown out the window and I'm not doing bad again. Tell me I'm still failing because that's the truth. Tell me it's not helping me learn as much as it should, it's not the overcoming and becoming better I hoped for. It's everything that presented itself when I gave up. I don't want to get it. Get away. Rational reasoning should never come from the wrong side. There's nothing left. I have no options. Either way I'm left worse off than before and this could be the hole I've dug for myself or just some unfair consequence of loosing grasp and beginning to just endure life.
Not everyone gets this low, even when everything is wrong.
I just want to shout "can you care? or pretend to for a while?" but I know it's dumb. I know it doesn't matter and I should learn to grow up and stop thinking about myself. Except that I'm freaking out, but I'm sure that too will pass - it has to.. things like this... they have to pass.
"it's always the fallen ones I think are going to save me" -3EB
I think my brain is crawling out of my head trying escape. What can I do, nothing? For sure nothing, there is nothing for sure. It's amazing because I'm left alone with myself. i thought I wanted some time void of anything. Right now it's void of purpose. I'm sitting here trying to write, trying to findsomeone to talk to... someone who will sympathize, tell me I'm right, and shower attention on me. Which is why I'm posting crap like this. Tell me it'll be alright, tell me I'm stronger than this and I haven't made all the wrong decisions, tell me the future is going to work out fine and that I'm not entirely wrong, tell me my grasp on reality has not flown out the window and I'm not doing bad again. Tell me I'm still failing because that's the truth. Tell me it's not helping me learn as much as it should, it's not the overcoming and becoming better I hoped for. It's everything that presented itself when I gave up. I don't want to get it. Get away. Rational reasoning should never come from the wrong side. There's nothing left. I have no options. Either way I'm left worse off than before and this could be the hole I've dug for myself or just some unfair consequence of loosing grasp and beginning to just endure life.
Not everyone gets this low, even when everything is wrong.
I just want to shout "can you care? or pretend to for a while?" but I know it's dumb. I know it doesn't matter and I should learn to grow up and stop thinking about myself. Except that I'm freaking out, but I'm sure that too will pass - it has to.. things like this... they have to pass.