mood swings and degrees of discontentment
On a day like today.. things can get skewed. Lots of propects that cheat you on the payoff.. There is no pay off, no real one, no promises for ignorance.
So I'm the sucker, that believes my own mind anyway. I've gotten over the propaganda and social persuasion, the flashing lights in either direction, but it's the dumb voice inside my head that tells me everything is alright. It's the numbness that doesn't set off alarms, rather it coaxes and confides with me that the easier way isn't always the worst, can't always be the worst, I haven't tried it all the time so how would I know? I'm starting to know, it's the worst. But will that help? Does it ever?
I got ambitious last night. I became enthusiastic again about trying. I thought about greater days but not as reminiscence but as a possibility and a rationality of, why can't that be tomorrow? Then I thought harder about the last few months. About the only relief from it being Christmas with the structure and standard I cannot provide in my own life. And it's the trying that gets me I think, with the knowledge that in the end I'm just going to fail again. Going to mess it up for myself and everything that rides on it... So I get rebuked by my best efforts. This morning I started with good intentions but now I'm going to stop kidding myself.
The weather makes this easier but I need to sit down and reassess the standards in my life. Maybe I'm living right now the way I want to be living and disillusioned about where I think I should be.. but it's going to get striaghtened out, it has to, I've got too much to figure and too much ahead.
Hope.
So I'm the sucker, that believes my own mind anyway. I've gotten over the propaganda and social persuasion, the flashing lights in either direction, but it's the dumb voice inside my head that tells me everything is alright. It's the numbness that doesn't set off alarms, rather it coaxes and confides with me that the easier way isn't always the worst, can't always be the worst, I haven't tried it all the time so how would I know? I'm starting to know, it's the worst. But will that help? Does it ever?
I got ambitious last night. I became enthusiastic again about trying. I thought about greater days but not as reminiscence but as a possibility and a rationality of, why can't that be tomorrow? Then I thought harder about the last few months. About the only relief from it being Christmas with the structure and standard I cannot provide in my own life. And it's the trying that gets me I think, with the knowledge that in the end I'm just going to fail again. Going to mess it up for myself and everything that rides on it... So I get rebuked by my best efforts. This morning I started with good intentions but now I'm going to stop kidding myself.
The weather makes this easier but I need to sit down and reassess the standards in my life. Maybe I'm living right now the way I want to be living and disillusioned about where I think I should be.. but it's going to get striaghtened out, it has to, I've got too much to figure and too much ahead.
Hope.