my flaws are open season
I can't think of anything else but what happened the other day. I can barely sleep, nothin' tastes good, I can't concentrate... All I seem to know how to do in this life is fuck up. And I know Jordan has to feel ten times worse, but I'm not feelin' too happy with him right now. He promised we'd keep this to ourselves. Because, ya know what, everyone says keepin' secrets is so terrible? It wouldn't've been in this case. It would've been a kindness. 'Cause what can this truth do but destroy?
What if Taffy never forgives us? Maddie has everything set to get her back-- we just have to wait 'til next month for the moon to be right, or somethin' like that-- but what if she comes back and wants nothin' to do with either one of us? Yes, okay, we were spelled, but is that enough to counteract the notion that her boyfriend and I both slept with Heather? And she's so damn sweet and innocent, maybe the other stuff won't occur to her...
What makes this even worse is that neither one of us can talk to her about it. Hell, I'd give it a try, even if I can't see her, but how'm I to know where she is? She's probably as far away from us as she can get. Wouldn't blame her. She'd probably be better off without me in her life, but I sure as hell wouldn't be better off without her. I think the spell proved that. I think... maybe I'd be on top of Smugglers' Bluff again.
It's always been a seductive idea to me when things go to hell in my life, like they seem to do on a consistent basis. I know it ain't right to do that, because of the people you'd leave behind who'd be hurt by it. Not that there'd be that many in my case. Sure, it'd upset my Ma, and Astra'd miss me. My bro would just say, "See, I toldja he was a fuck up." But I just-- I dunno.
I know what she would tell me. That it's not an answer, that it's a cowardly way out, that it's bad karma. She'd be right. Maddie'd probably say somethin' similar, considerin' she died so young. She'd be right, too. And I'm thinkin' she'd be a lot more pointed about it than Taffy'd be.
Somethin' needs to change, that's all. It has to. 'Cause I can't go down that path again.
What if Taffy never forgives us? Maddie has everything set to get her back-- we just have to wait 'til next month for the moon to be right, or somethin' like that-- but what if she comes back and wants nothin' to do with either one of us? Yes, okay, we were spelled, but is that enough to counteract the notion that her boyfriend and I both slept with Heather? And she's so damn sweet and innocent, maybe the other stuff won't occur to her...
What makes this even worse is that neither one of us can talk to her about it. Hell, I'd give it a try, even if I can't see her, but how'm I to know where she is? She's probably as far away from us as she can get. Wouldn't blame her. She'd probably be better off without me in her life, but I sure as hell wouldn't be better off without her. I think the spell proved that. I think... maybe I'd be on top of Smugglers' Bluff again.
It's always been a seductive idea to me when things go to hell in my life, like they seem to do on a consistent basis. I know it ain't right to do that, because of the people you'd leave behind who'd be hurt by it. Not that there'd be that many in my case. Sure, it'd upset my Ma, and Astra'd miss me. My bro would just say, "See, I toldja he was a fuck up." But I just-- I dunno.
I know what she would tell me. That it's not an answer, that it's a cowardly way out, that it's bad karma. She'd be right. Maddie'd probably say somethin' similar, considerin' she died so young. She'd be right, too. And I'm thinkin' she'd be a lot more pointed about it than Taffy'd be.
Somethin' needs to change, that's all. It has to. 'Cause I can't go down that path again.