- - -
Ok.
I begin by proclaiming that this is destined to lack structure, and/or significance. But, I promise meaning on some level. Maybe. I may come out of this sounding crazy, or cocky, or something, however it's a risk I am willing to take at this point.
I have touched on this previously in the recent past. Nevertheless, there is something internally gnawing at me, like trying to tell me that I have not completely lifted this weight.
It's just that. . .
For years, the people who know me best (and, really, even some who don't) know that a large part of how I define myself is whatever quality I have been blessed/cursed with that causes people to pour their soul out to me. Yes, I am still the sarcastic, smart-ass, that they have found some way to love, but many people regard me as the person they go to when they need a confidant, or advice, or counsel, etc. So many times have I ended up gaining knowledge I would have been much better off never hearing, or at least less stressed out. Now, I am not trying to be all self-proclamatory (not a word) and say I am a beacon of support, stability, wisdom, or any of the above. But, because of all the "experience" I guess you could say I have in this "field" not only have I grown to love caring about people and attempting to help them, I may actually have become decent at it.
The point is,
Nothing frustrates me more than seeing someone who I know, deep inside the very bones of me, that I could help in some way or another, but not knowing how to go about it. It is not as though they have approached me with their problems, or feelings, and asked me to discuss it with them. It is just that I can see it some way inside of them, that they need me, or SOMEONE to just talk to. And, it is just my overconfidence issue that causes me to believe on a strong level that I could be the person they need on some level or another.
This (school) year, more than any other thus far in my life, I have met several amazing people who have impacted me significantly, or changed me in some irreversible manner. Some I spend more time with than others, but they all have one thing in common. I have this feeling inside of me that I am not doing all I can for them. Wow. This sounds borderline asinine to me, so probably completely asinine to the rest of the "world" reading this.
Yesterday when I was talking to Patty somewhat about this, I finally began to realize why I surround myself with the people that I do. For awhile now I had been struggling with what my motives were with choosing who I spend all my time with, or who I care about, or who I want to be associated with, etc. My closest friends seemingly have absolutely nothing outwardly in common. (Oh, except we did notice when we were brainstorming commonalities that about 97.6% of them are currently in/had taken AP US before. Ha, that must be what it is. I am drawn to people in AP US.) But after last night's conversation, and a little extra individual contemplation, I figured these two things: 1) in some way, my closest friends have a quality (or two or three or four) that I don't have, or that I do not do as well as they do, etc. and 2) for whatever reason, I feel I could be just as beneficial to them as they are to me, in one way or another.
I hope this is coming together a little. I'm finally starting to feel less full from eating lunch earlier. I think all this strenuous typing and thinking has been burning calories *fingers crossed* ha.
Anyways.
It is most likely naive of me to assume that I can just help people so easily, and even more so, selfish, to think that I deserve to be one of the people they can go to for help, etc.
There is always that theory that people need to feel needed. If that is truly the case, than I guess I am addicted to the feeling of necessity. Some people have profound reasons that they absolutely know why they are here on this earth. Like, they are straight-A students, all-star athletes, magnificent musicians, or some combination of those three, or others. While I did I guess define myself by each of those things to some extent at one point in my life or another, "things" change, and now I am left with little fragments of those ideals and characteristics which I am continually trying to piece together to become somewhat of a whole person. And this human quality I have of wanting to feel needed is certainly part of this.
(so,
i am impressed by anyone who stuck through this whole entry.
and doubly impressed if said reader does not color me insane.)
El Fin?
I begin by proclaiming that this is destined to lack structure, and/or significance. But, I promise meaning on some level. Maybe. I may come out of this sounding crazy, or cocky, or something, however it's a risk I am willing to take at this point.
I have touched on this previously in the recent past. Nevertheless, there is something internally gnawing at me, like trying to tell me that I have not completely lifted this weight.
It's just that. . .
For years, the people who know me best (and, really, even some who don't) know that a large part of how I define myself is whatever quality I have been blessed/cursed with that causes people to pour their soul out to me. Yes, I am still the sarcastic, smart-ass, that they have found some way to love, but many people regard me as the person they go to when they need a confidant, or advice, or counsel, etc. So many times have I ended up gaining knowledge I would have been much better off never hearing, or at least less stressed out. Now, I am not trying to be all self-proclamatory (not a word) and say I am a beacon of support, stability, wisdom, or any of the above. But, because of all the "experience" I guess you could say I have in this "field" not only have I grown to love caring about people and attempting to help them, I may actually have become decent at it.
The point is,
Nothing frustrates me more than seeing someone who I know, deep inside the very bones of me, that I could help in some way or another, but not knowing how to go about it. It is not as though they have approached me with their problems, or feelings, and asked me to discuss it with them. It is just that I can see it some way inside of them, that they need me, or SOMEONE to just talk to. And, it is just my overconfidence issue that causes me to believe on a strong level that I could be the person they need on some level or another.
This (school) year, more than any other thus far in my life, I have met several amazing people who have impacted me significantly, or changed me in some irreversible manner. Some I spend more time with than others, but they all have one thing in common. I have this feeling inside of me that I am not doing all I can for them. Wow. This sounds borderline asinine to me, so probably completely asinine to the rest of the "world" reading this.
Yesterday when I was talking to Patty somewhat about this, I finally began to realize why I surround myself with the people that I do. For awhile now I had been struggling with what my motives were with choosing who I spend all my time with, or who I care about, or who I want to be associated with, etc. My closest friends seemingly have absolutely nothing outwardly in common. (Oh, except we did notice when we were brainstorming commonalities that about 97.6% of them are currently in/had taken AP US before. Ha, that must be what it is. I am drawn to people in AP US.) But after last night's conversation, and a little extra individual contemplation, I figured these two things: 1) in some way, my closest friends have a quality (or two or three or four) that I don't have, or that I do not do as well as they do, etc. and 2) for whatever reason, I feel I could be just as beneficial to them as they are to me, in one way or another.
I hope this is coming together a little. I'm finally starting to feel less full from eating lunch earlier. I think all this strenuous typing and thinking has been burning calories *fingers crossed* ha.
Anyways.
It is most likely naive of me to assume that I can just help people so easily, and even more so, selfish, to think that I deserve to be one of the people they can go to for help, etc.
There is always that theory that people need to feel needed. If that is truly the case, than I guess I am addicted to the feeling of necessity. Some people have profound reasons that they absolutely know why they are here on this earth. Like, they are straight-A students, all-star athletes, magnificent musicians, or some combination of those three, or others. While I did I guess define myself by each of those things to some extent at one point in my life or another, "things" change, and now I am left with little fragments of those ideals and characteristics which I am continually trying to piece together to become somewhat of a whole person. And this human quality I have of wanting to feel needed is certainly part of this.
(so,
i am impressed by anyone who stuck through this whole entry.
and doubly impressed if said reader does not color me insane.)
El Fin?