Last night's dream...nightmare
This is a freewriting exercise. Be warned. I probably won't begin to make sense about halfway through.
I woke up this morning in a sweat, disoriented, and out of breath. I looked at my phone and there was a message saying "yay snow!". Then I fell back asleep and began dreaming of my insecurities and how maybe I'm only second best. These were the words that utter in my head even now. "Hey Mr. Nutty, meet Eric, he's a really nice guy and I think i love him." I thought it over more and more and my stomach churns over and over. It just seems that every time we are alone things go amazingly, but when we are in public, i get pushed aside for everyone else. I am only just the best friend that understands. I am everyone's confidant, but it seems that is only what I am good for. I remember as a kid wondering why no one would talk to me and confide in me. Then that portion happened, but this love thing is just lagging behid, broken, with a crippled leg. I just want to shoot it down so it stops breaking me up into pieces. Every time I fall for someone i feel as though i create this horcrux and it rips me apart. That is what love does to me rips me from me but puts me back together at the same time. Both bed and bane. You get used to it, but then these tidal waves of emotion come flowing in like a tsunami and they wash you out to sea where you can't swim and the only floation device is named Danielle. And you float for a while but you come across nothing. you want that stable land, but all you get is turbulence and white caps. Thrown around like a rag doll, you can't handle it. Friendship is the key, but then they don't want to lose the friendship. Friendship, maybe that's my bane. my only hurdle that is too magnanimous to cross in a kind of stable nature. I hate the bricks that compose it. The mortor that helped create it. Friendship. Fuck you. That's all that really stands in my way. That and I think i am completely inept in the art of seduction. I'm not really suave...I'm not really good looking. I have come to the conslsion that maybe I am ugly in and out. That maybe I am just a bit scarred. I notice there is one playlist on my ipod that I play over and over again. The title: somber. It sucks that this music is played more than not. Perpetual existience of anger. The misfits song Saturday night keeps coming to mind that best desricbes what i am feeling. "How could I do this without you , they were playing our song, I was crying on saturday night." Seems pertient to how I think of this girl. Her name is Danielle she is 21. I work with her. I go to school with her. We are close I helped her thorugh lot of shit and she thinks of me as a very good friend, but I want more than my present state. But the problem is that I can' tseem to find the right words to communicate how just I think of her. I told her once what I felt but it came out all garbled and fucked up. I need to feel more than numb and calloused. I remember in ninth grade on my band trip. We were on the balcony and I kept wondering whether or not I could jump from my balcony, tenth floor, into the pool. I remember that vividly because afterwards my friend told me to go back to my bed and told me to listen to music. I think i might've cried that night for the first time in a while. That was a hard trip to go through. That whole incident fucked me up for a good while. I still feel the aftermath. I think that fact remeains that I just don't want to feel close to anyone becasue I don't want to feel empty afterwards. But I want to feel close to Danielle. If there was one person who actually got me I think that she is it. She has gone through some shit that most people haven't gone through that I know exactly where she comes from. She has confided in me and I in her. We know each other and we know who we are. I miss her every time that I leave work. Every time I walk around the restaurant, I watch her just to see her smile. I love when she is happy and it makes me happy. Her happiness is very easiyl equated with mine. BUt then egain who am I? Who am I? She is literally a foot taller than I am. I have no chance. I wish I did, but alas I think maybe I should just give up. Should I? I just don't know anymore. I want to tell her how I feel, but I think that will drive her off and have her not talk to me anymore and that would be the worst case scenario. I want her to feel comfortable with me enough to know that I will not do anything to her, negatively. I am just this hopeless romantic. And Iget these glimpes and glimmers of hope that are shaded quickly. I watch too many movies. I think my problem is that I am hoping on this movie romance. Where the guy gets the girl that he deserves and she gets the the guy she deserves. I want that to happen. I want to be able to say that I can't find anyone better than that girl because she is perfect. I want to be able to say that about someone. I know it is a false lackluster dream, but one THat I want to attain. Well enough mindless ranting for the time being. I will most likely be back with more later on tonight. Fun itmes when you are lonely.
I woke up this morning in a sweat, disoriented, and out of breath. I looked at my phone and there was a message saying "yay snow!". Then I fell back asleep and began dreaming of my insecurities and how maybe I'm only second best. These were the words that utter in my head even now. "Hey Mr. Nutty, meet Eric, he's a really nice guy and I think i love him." I thought it over more and more and my stomach churns over and over. It just seems that every time we are alone things go amazingly, but when we are in public, i get pushed aside for everyone else. I am only just the best friend that understands. I am everyone's confidant, but it seems that is only what I am good for. I remember as a kid wondering why no one would talk to me and confide in me. Then that portion happened, but this love thing is just lagging behid, broken, with a crippled leg. I just want to shoot it down so it stops breaking me up into pieces. Every time I fall for someone i feel as though i create this horcrux and it rips me apart. That is what love does to me rips me from me but puts me back together at the same time. Both bed and bane. You get used to it, but then these tidal waves of emotion come flowing in like a tsunami and they wash you out to sea where you can't swim and the only floation device is named Danielle. And you float for a while but you come across nothing. you want that stable land, but all you get is turbulence and white caps. Thrown around like a rag doll, you can't handle it. Friendship is the key, but then they don't want to lose the friendship. Friendship, maybe that's my bane. my only hurdle that is too magnanimous to cross in a kind of stable nature. I hate the bricks that compose it. The mortor that helped create it. Friendship. Fuck you. That's all that really stands in my way. That and I think i am completely inept in the art of seduction. I'm not really suave...I'm not really good looking. I have come to the conslsion that maybe I am ugly in and out. That maybe I am just a bit scarred. I notice there is one playlist on my ipod that I play over and over again. The title: somber. It sucks that this music is played more than not. Perpetual existience of anger. The misfits song Saturday night keeps coming to mind that best desricbes what i am feeling. "How could I do this without you , they were playing our song, I was crying on saturday night." Seems pertient to how I think of this girl. Her name is Danielle she is 21. I work with her. I go to school with her. We are close I helped her thorugh lot of shit and she thinks of me as a very good friend, but I want more than my present state. But the problem is that I can' tseem to find the right words to communicate how just I think of her. I told her once what I felt but it came out all garbled and fucked up. I need to feel more than numb and calloused. I remember in ninth grade on my band trip. We were on the balcony and I kept wondering whether or not I could jump from my balcony, tenth floor, into the pool. I remember that vividly because afterwards my friend told me to go back to my bed and told me to listen to music. I think i might've cried that night for the first time in a while. That was a hard trip to go through. That whole incident fucked me up for a good while. I still feel the aftermath. I think that fact remeains that I just don't want to feel close to anyone becasue I don't want to feel empty afterwards. But I want to feel close to Danielle. If there was one person who actually got me I think that she is it. She has gone through some shit that most people haven't gone through that I know exactly where she comes from. She has confided in me and I in her. We know each other and we know who we are. I miss her every time that I leave work. Every time I walk around the restaurant, I watch her just to see her smile. I love when she is happy and it makes me happy. Her happiness is very easiyl equated with mine. BUt then egain who am I? Who am I? She is literally a foot taller than I am. I have no chance. I wish I did, but alas I think maybe I should just give up. Should I? I just don't know anymore. I want to tell her how I feel, but I think that will drive her off and have her not talk to me anymore and that would be the worst case scenario. I want her to feel comfortable with me enough to know that I will not do anything to her, negatively. I am just this hopeless romantic. And Iget these glimpes and glimmers of hope that are shaded quickly. I watch too many movies. I think my problem is that I am hoping on this movie romance. Where the guy gets the girl that he deserves and she gets the the guy she deserves. I want that to happen. I want to be able to say that I can't find anyone better than that girl because she is perfect. I want to be able to say that about someone. I know it is a false lackluster dream, but one THat I want to attain. Well enough mindless ranting for the time being. I will most likely be back with more later on tonight. Fun itmes when you are lonely.