Entry # 112- Blue on Black
I'm trying to talk Mike into buying me an exercise bike. It doesn't have to be fancy or new. Just something I can climb on daily and burn off some calories. We watched a show on obesity today. It's becoming quite the epidemic. 2/3 of the american population is either obese or overweight. There's just food everywhere and we don't get any exercise. Instead of walking or riding a bike, we drive or ride. We still have that gathering instinct, but we don't live a hunter life to burn off the calories we consume.
I HAVE to lose this weight. I think that if I exercised, I could take the weight off, or at least maintain. I can't afford to gain anymore weight. I have to weigh myself tomorrow, to make sure that I haven't packed on anymore lbs. I wouldn't be surprised if I had put some weight on. I've been eating like a pig and the wrong things. My brain just wants the yummy, fatty stuff. Bread especially. I had an italian sub tonight and fries. I did drink a diet drink, so no extra sugar there, but aspartame isn't the healthiest either.
Another relaxing day. Could be a problem. lonsum23 from live journal suggested I get a dog; one that I could take for a walk. I think that's a good idea, but Mike is against the idea cuz they are such high maintenance. I would take it for walks and Mike would bathe it. Idk. Maybe we will get a dog when Eric get's a little bit older.
I don't have any clear any ideas for a poem, though my entries feel naked without them.
I ponder
I listen
I wonder
I glisten-
Oh, I am glowing
My wrecklessness is showing
I wanna run
I wanna fly
I wanna be free
Wanna be free to be me.
They say only the blind glow in the dark,
they say the moon has a beautiful heart
I wanted to be right
I wanted the war
And then I dicoved the truth
And I didn't get far-
How do I live with a lie?
Marrying the devil
I don't even need to try
I'm beautiful and on fire
My souls on the wire
I see the way things oughta be,
And if you tell me I'm gonna believe
I'll believe anything
If you only love me.
Oh and they say I'm bipolar
But I feel powerful and sober
I am
A goddess
I am
the bride of Christ
You can't touch me
You can fuck me
But you can't read my mind-
I maybe blind
But I am wise
I know a truth from a lie
Even if deep down inside
I'm a little
Crazy.
The poem is more from my bi-polar days. It really isn't how I feel and think today. Yes, I've worshipped Marilyn Manson. I have ran off to LA in search of him. So, I know what it means to be crazy and make crazy decisions; ones that could've gotten me killed. Living in the middle of LA,out of my car; meeting perfect strangers, one's that showed me around the town, and then ditching one of my friends cuz the cops were concerned for my well-being. He was black. So, I think we stood out; that and the TN tags on my car.
thankfully, I am sober and thinking clearly. I've almost forgot what it is that I used to think and what I've said and done. I don't like that. I wanna use it for inspiration and life experience. Plus, it makes for good poetry and stories. But, I guess I'm not about that anymore. I guess I'm just about telling the truth and living it.
Anyway, cya!