Entry # 108- Stars All Sweep
I took Eric to laspalmas and it was delicious. I ended up having cheese enchiladas and he had the grilled fish fllet. I was hungry all day today. I have eaten enough sugar free bread to last me a week! Haven't weighed myself lately Last time I did, I had gained 5 lbs. I can take off more- I just have to be strict on the Atkins and it's really tough. I'm not into starving myself anymore. And it doesn't work. I lost my appetite for two months and I lost absolutely no weight.
Am I destined to weigh 220 my entire life now? sigh. I know it's bad, but my health isn't all that great. I have high cholesterol and high tryglicerides. It's bad because I don't care. I should. But I don't. Somehow, though, I still think I should lose this extra weight. I haven't given up.
I was thinking today about excitement and how I can no longer feel it. I watch tv and am reminded of this fact, and then a thought occurs to me. It's ok. I feel contentment and that's good enough. I think I'm getting used to the way that I feel or don't feel. I am learning to accept it. Gone is that urge to feel sad. Gone is the thought that I'm missing out on something.
Didn't do much today. Same ole same ole. I didn't get out today, which is odd for me, I usually get out everyday. That'll probably change tomorrow. Hopefully, Sunday will be a little bit more productive and active. I can't use the word exciting cuz I don't feel that way anymore, and I'm trying so hard to be honest with myself and others. No more fake laughing. No more using words that speak emotion. Just plain jane me.
What's the purpose?
Words that entice...
How's it useful?
Word's that invite-
I'm tired of the fake smiles
I'm tired of the fake laughs
I want to be real
Nothing else lasts.
Love and lust
I've had them
Peace and prosperity
I've had zen,
Sex is overrated
Time is fated
Everything is jaded
Everything is hated
Only it's not that way for me.
The world as it is...
No fear.
The world as it is...
I hear.
I don't face love
Not from the force above.
What does that mean?
I'm just a body it seems.
Just a body.
I can watch bloody scenes
No compassion
No sympathy
What does that mean?
I can hear people scream
No compassion
No sympathy
What does that mean?
I used to obsess
I used to feel depressed
Now I merely wish to sleep
In my dreams I'm real
In my dreams I'm healed
In my dreams
I can still feel.
Yes.
Only in my dreams.
A pointless poem. When I had emotion, I would stun people with my words. Now, it's just humdrum, same ole same ole. I'm getting to where I don't mind feeling this way, though. It is better then feeling depressed and suicidal all the time.
Anyway- talk to ya'll later!