(no subject)
So here's a more practical update in the life of Cassie... or at least practical in that I'm going to recount events literally as they were.
See, last night I decided to get rid of all my word files on the house computer, since i no longer use it, and load them onto my flash drive. So I start to open file after file and skimming the contents. I can't tell you how many old conversations I read last night. Or at least skimmed. Or skipped because I already knew every word by heart.
And the more I read, the more I hurt. Deep hurt. I didn't cry... even though I wanted to... it was just this deep ache that I couldn't shrug off.
There was the letters I sent my best friend, filled with reasons to keep fighting for life... because really, it's worth the battle.
The conversation I thought for sure I'd lost my best friend after. Physically.
The time a girl very dear to me and I, tried to talk about what we really thought, and how to make ammends between us. There were a lot of those.
The one where that boy made my heart leap out of my chest and my eyes well up with tears of shocked thrill. The one that I thought was a dream, a wonderful, magnificent, dream.
The one where my confidant defended me when I didn't know I needed it... wanted to protect me when I had no idea I was in any danger... from the one person I trusted more than anyone ever deserved to be trusted.
And so many more. So many words. Promises. Confessions...
...LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So many damn *explicative explicative* LIES!
But these are conversations of the *past.* It's over now. And I've forgiven, even though I've never recieved real *formal* apologies. And I will forget. I'm trying. But I haven't yet... because of how far the hurt goes.
So that's why instead of loading up my flash drive last night, I deleted file, after file, lie after lie, mistake after mistake, piece of the past after piece of the past. Gone.
So that's the update on me. For those who have wondered where I've been, it's been nursing wounds and trying to minimize the scarring.
And for the record, I'm not coming back. I can't come back. That's part of life sometimes. You get beaten off the path, you don't come back quite the same as before.
The craziest part. I'm ok. And I'm ok with anyone thinking I'm overly emotional. Overly dramatic. Because my God is an enormous God, the only God... and He's going to take care of me.
See, last night I decided to get rid of all my word files on the house computer, since i no longer use it, and load them onto my flash drive. So I start to open file after file and skimming the contents. I can't tell you how many old conversations I read last night. Or at least skimmed. Or skipped because I already knew every word by heart.
And the more I read, the more I hurt. Deep hurt. I didn't cry... even though I wanted to... it was just this deep ache that I couldn't shrug off.
There was the letters I sent my best friend, filled with reasons to keep fighting for life... because really, it's worth the battle.
The conversation I thought for sure I'd lost my best friend after. Physically.
The time a girl very dear to me and I, tried to talk about what we really thought, and how to make ammends between us. There were a lot of those.
The one where that boy made my heart leap out of my chest and my eyes well up with tears of shocked thrill. The one that I thought was a dream, a wonderful, magnificent, dream.
The one where my confidant defended me when I didn't know I needed it... wanted to protect me when I had no idea I was in any danger... from the one person I trusted more than anyone ever deserved to be trusted.
And so many more. So many words. Promises. Confessions...
...LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So many damn *explicative explicative* LIES!
But these are conversations of the *past.* It's over now. And I've forgiven, even though I've never recieved real *formal* apologies. And I will forget. I'm trying. But I haven't yet... because of how far the hurt goes.
So that's why instead of loading up my flash drive last night, I deleted file, after file, lie after lie, mistake after mistake, piece of the past after piece of the past. Gone.
So that's the update on me. For those who have wondered where I've been, it's been nursing wounds and trying to minimize the scarring.
And for the record, I'm not coming back. I can't come back. That's part of life sometimes. You get beaten off the path, you don't come back quite the same as before.
The craziest part. I'm ok. And I'm ok with anyone thinking I'm overly emotional. Overly dramatic. Because my God is an enormous God, the only God... and He's going to take care of me.