Die, Die Again [8/9]
Fandom: BBC Merlin
Characters & Pairings: Uther/Catrina, Morgause, Morgana, Arthur, Merlin, Kilgharrah, Gwen, Gaius
Genres: Drama, Humor
Rating: T
Warnings: Violence and character death. So very many character deaths. Also asphyxiation, terminal illness, and mind-wipe.
Spoilers: Through 3x05, “The Crystal Cave”
Words: ~19,000
Beta: talesofyesac
Summary: Camelot is stuck in a time loop beginning with Merlin’s arrival and ending with Morgana’s kidnapping. Only Uther retains his memories, but is there enough time in the world to fix all his mistakes?
Chapter 8: The Brave May Fall, But Cannot Yield
"You look lovely, my lady," said Gwen, encouragingly.
Morgana turned around, looking at herself in the mirror. She did look lovely, but that wasn't really why she was procrastinating. After all these years as the king's ward, she still got nervous when he summoned her for a private meeting. When she was younger, she simply found him intimidating. As she grew up, she found that she could coax a smile out of him sometimes, and flattered herself that she could touch the king's heart in a way that no one else could.
But then came the nightmares.
Her dawning awareness that she was magical turned her back into that scared little girl, and she still wondered if the king would have her executed if he found out. Morgause certainly thought so. Even Gaius thought so, and he was the king's best friend, if someone like Uther could be said to have friends.
Smiling nervously, she left Gwen and made her way to the royal solar.
She joined Uther on a plush settee, trying to keep her mind blank. Thinking of nothing at all was the only way she had found to prevent her thoughts from showing plainly on her face.
"I must make you a confession, Morgana," he said. His voice was halting and tentative, hesitation that he never showed the public and his family only rarely.
"Please, speak your mind, my lord." She smiled encouragingly. "Surely there's nothing so terrible it could come between us."
He took her hands. "Very well. This is a short story, for there's little I can say that will matter once I reach the crux. When Gorlois was away fighting on the northern plains…I betrayed my wife with his. That was twenty-four years ago. You are my daughter, not Gorlois's."
Morgana's world shattered, collapsed, then rebuilt itself from the ground up. Her vision blurred at the edges, and she realized she should probably continue to breathe.
"You will be crowned princess of Camelot. This is your seal." He handed her a small velvet pouch.
Trembling, she took the seal out of its pouch and looked it over. The dragon insignia was carved into a ruby, and set into gold. "Why…why now?"
"Because you deserve to know," he said simply.
Of all the things he might have said, that was most unexpected. She tried to wipe away the tears, but more came to replace them. He handed her a handkerchief with the same dragon insignia, his - their - family crest.
"T-then there's something I need to tell you, too. I…somehow…." It was too difficult to explain in words. She took out one of her hairpins, wrought in the shape of a flower. She held it in her hands, and although she was not aware of it, her eyes glowed gold. When she opened her hands, the hairpin had become a real, live flower.
"Your mother was a priestess of the Old Religion," said Uther softly. "It's no surprise that you inherited some of her gifts."
Morgana was completely overwhelmed. She had never heard Uther speak this way of magic; indeed, she wouldn't have thought him capable of it, if he hadn't just done so. Because of me, she realized, and her heart beat faster. He changed for me, because he loves me. Impulsively, she threw her arms around him, and was gratified that he returned her embrace without hesitation.
After a moment, she broke free and sat back, looking at the king. Her father, the king. His eyes were damp, and he looked as though he weren't sure if he should be as happy as he was.
She slapped him.
"That's for my father! I mean, Gorlois." She crossed her arms. Was he…smiling? "Is that funny to you?"
"I deserve that, and more. But you should know Gorlois defended his own honor perfectly well. He gave me this as a memento," said Uther, tapping the scar above his eye.
Morgana gasped. "He knew?"
"Oh yes, he could do arithmetic. He loved you all the same. Just as I do."
Uther took off a glove and stroked her cheek. She had only ever felt his bare hands when she was half-asleep, on the occasions when he had come to soothe her nightmares. As a child, she often wondered why he never took the gloves off, whether he felt the need to protect himself even from her.
Voice shaking almost beyond recognition, Morgana said, "I…I'm going to need another handkerchief."
#
"But this is wonderful news!" said Morgause, at midnight that night. "You have a legitimate claim to the throne. More's the better that idiot already gave you the proof."
Morgana said nothing for a moment, just stood there looking like a wounded bird, and Morgause's heart sank. No, it couldn't possibly be….
"You needn't be ashamed, sister. You didn't choose your father."
"That's not it. I…have no interest in the throne if it means harming my father and brother."
"Then, will you harm me?"
"No! Of course not, sister." Morgana sighed unhappily. "I only wish we could all live in peace."
Morgause's face hardened. "That can never happen."
"I'm sorry you think so. I hope this isn't the last I see of you, but I'll understand if it is."
With that, Morgana left her sister spewing steamy clouds into the frigid autumn air.
#
Emboldened by his success with Morgana, Uther turned his thoughts to Arthur. The crown prince would obviously need to know about his sister, though that was only the beginning.
In a room selected for this purpose, Uther met Arthur across a table. Morgana sat at Uther's right hand, and Merlin hovered behind Arthur's shoulder. Uther hadn't requested Merlin's presence - that would require too much explanation - but he was glad the boy was there, just in case.
Arthur waited expectantly, fingers laced together on the table. A diplomatic posture.
Uther began, "I have something to tell you. Several things, actually. The first of which is about Morgana."
He explained, watching Arthur's reaction carefully. It went from incredulous to angry, then back.
"Let me see the seal," said Arthur. Morgana handed it over, and Arthur inspected it. "She's older than me."
Uther and Morgana stared at him. "Yes?" said Uther.
In clipped tones, Arthur repeated, "She's older than me. That means you were still married to my mother at the time."
"Yes," Uther admitted. He did not elaborate or try to defend his actions.
Arthur set his hands back on the table, looking sharper somehow, if not exactly angry. "What else?"
Once before, Arthur had learned the secret of his birth. The only thing that stopped him from killing Uther then was Merlin's assurances that the story was fiction. Uther hoped to soften the blow this time, both by confessing it himself and by offering a gift. Not a trifling bauble, but something that cost as much for Uther to give as it enriched Arthur to receive.
"You must believe that I loved your mother, Arthur. When she died, it was as though a dagger lodged in my heart…I kept her from you because it hurt too much to touch. Do you understand?"
Arthur nodded slowly.
"I regret that my weakness robbed you of knowledge that should, by rights, be yours. It was terribly unfair to both you and your mother, so…I had her things taken out of storage. You may ask about any of it, and I will tell you whatever I know."
At that, Arthur's mask of indifference cracked. He looked around the room in open astonishment, taking it all in. "Anything at all?" He picked up a book of poetry, flipping the pages until he came to a branch of pressed cherry blossoms.
"Your mother bought a handful of pips from a foreign trader after he showed her that pressing. Out of that batch, only one grew. When it finally bloomed, she said it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen."
"Then that's why…the cherry tree in the gardens…. But it only blooms for about a week. Wasn't she disappointed?"
"She looked forward to it every year. She thought -" Uther's breath caught in his throat, "-that it was more beautiful for its short life."
A tear escaped Arthur's eye, and he wiped it away quickly. "I know - I know you always said no man was worth my tears -"
Uther smiled. "Men, no. Women, most certainly."
Arthur looked down at his hands, fidgeting. "I always thought…I mean, didn't you ever think…that the wrong person died?"
The dagger in Uther's heart twisted. "Not once," he lied, putting all his conviction into it. "Regardless of how you came into the world, whatever mistakes of mine played a part, I would not take them back if it meant losing you." He looked to Morgana. "Both of you. There is nothing that means more to me in this world or the next, than you, my children. Whatever else you think of me, believe that I would do anything for either of you."
Arthur and Morgana were speechless. And for that moment, the three were a family.
Uther felt that if Destiny saw fit to strike him down then and there, he would die happy. Yet he knew he wasn't about to get away that easily. He had done too many wrongs in his life to make up for so quickly, and he was still avoiding the most painful confessions, the ones that might yet cost him everything. He was afraid, terrified of the consequences, but he could not go on buying Arthur's love with deceit.
Uther took a steadying breath. "There's more."
"Honestly, father," Arthur sighed. "Why not wait till Christmas and make an Advent calendar? Only instead of chocolate, we'd get some heinous thing you did twenty years ago."
Arthur and Morgana laughed, relieving the tension in the room. Uther closed his eyes and silently asked whether he really, absolutely must do this…but he already knew the answer.
He began speaking. Arthur and Morgana quieted at the sound of his voice.
"I was born the youngest prince of King Constant II. I never expected to be king. However, when my father was incapacitated, my brothers fought over the crown. They bickered and deceived each other until they were both dead and a usurper took the throne. When I reclaimed the throne, I began a new dynasty, a clean slate.
"I say all this to explain why I felt it so important to have a true and indisputable heir to my own throne. If the same thing were to happen to my own children as happened to my brothers…"
Uther closed his eyes. Arthur and Morgana remained silent. After a moment, he continued. "My queen was unable to produce an heir. I went to Nimueh, a high priestess of the Old Religion. She made your birth possible, Arthur."
"You…used magic to conceive me?" Arthur's face went stony.
"Yes."
"Is that why my mother died?"
Having started down this path, Uther had no choice but to admit that Arthur was correct.
"Did you know?" Arthur's hand rested on the hilt of his sword, his eyes filling with a terrible rage.
"I knew someone would die -"
Arthur stood, gripping the sword.
"-but I swear to you, I didn't know it would be her!"
"You told me witchcraft was evil. You told me all those who practice it must burn. You let me believe I killed my mother when it was your fault all along! Is there anything, anything at all you've taught me as gospel truth that wasn't a shameless lie?" Arthur's voice raised gradually until he was shouting.
Only one thing came to mind.
"I love you. That is the truth."
Arthur blinked, stunned. Without another word, he walked out the door.
Uther stared vaguely at the place where his son had been. "Merlin?"
"Yes, sire."
"You'll look after him…won't you?"
Merlin bowed lower than Uther had ever seen him do, and ran out the door after Arthur.
Die, Die Again Master Post
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