Die, Die Again [7/9]
Fandom: BBC Merlin
Characters & Pairings: Uther/Catrina, Morgause, Morgana, Arthur, Merlin, Kilgharrah, Gwen, Gaius
Genres: Drama, Humor
Rating: T
Warnings: Violence and character death. So very many character deaths. Also asphyxiation, terminal illness, and mind-wipe.
Spoilers: Through 3x05, “The Crystal Cave”
Words: ~19,000
Beta: talesofyesac
Summary: Camelot is stuck in a time loop beginning with Merlin’s arrival and ending with Morgana’s kidnapping. Only Uther retains his memories, but is there enough time in the world to fix all his mistakes?
Chapter 7: Sir Umphrey Rides Again
It was an understatement to say that Arthur Pendragon, crown prince of Camelot, and recently unofficial regent, had a lot on his mind. No sooner had he gotten used to the idea of having a stepmother than she'd fallen ill and died. He worried that he wasn't sad enough, until he got thinking about it, and then he was entirely too sad. Meanwhile, his father, the actual king lest we forget, was falling apart and there was nothing Arthur or anyone else could do for him.
At the same time, he was falling in love with Guinevere, an entirely inappropriate and impossible match, but she wasn't like any other women, and he didn't even like the princesses he'd met. He more or less trusted and relied on Merlin, but every now and then Merlin did something that suggested a whole other life that Merlin kept hidden away, not unlike that improbably huge cavern underneath the castle.
And that was just his personal life. There were many matters of state that urgently required his attention as regent. Was this what his life as king would be like?
He glanced over at his father. Uther was staring grimly at a point on the horizon, entirely avoiding the sight of the queen laid out for her funeral. Arthur didn't care, as long as he was quiet. Gaius had once, and only once, told him the story of how Uther's father had spent the last months of his life ranting at things no one else could see. For years, Arthur wondered if he, too, would die that way. Only recently had it occurred to him that his father might do so.
When the funeral was over, Uther disappeared. Arthur stayed for a bit, watching the common folk pay their respects. Although they had known Catrina even less than the royal household, they still seemed quite moved by her death. Arthur allowed himself a few minutes to imagine what Camelot would have been like if his mother had lived.
After his moment of contemplation was up, he returned to the castle and ordered Merlin to find out where Uther had gone.
Merlin returned after a time, while Arthur was applying himself to state business.
"Ethan says he's in his chambers."
"Doing?"
"Nothing."
Arthur frowned. Nothing? Nothing at all?
"I'll give him some time. He'll recover. It's not like he hasn't been through this before."
The next day, the king was not better. He did not get out of bed and would not speak to anyone.
Arthur decided to try tough love. He crossed his arms and put on a disapproving look.
"If this is how you're going to live, why don't you just die?" he said.
His father closed his eyes and sighed. "Don't you think I would, if I could?"
#
No matter what else happened in Camelot, Ethan worked promptly and fastidiously. He had done so for a quarter century, and would continue doing so as long as he was able. It was beyond most to choose the moment of their demise, but Ethan hoped his would happen at the end of a full day's work, preferably a laundry day.
Noting with concern that His Majesty did not get out of bed, speak or eat for a full day, Ethan prepared to take extraordinary measures.
The following evening, he started dusting the king's chambers. It was a time-consuming job, not one he normally did in the evenings. As he dusted, he spoke, not to anyone in particular, but in the same way that he sometimes whistled when he was feeling cheerful.
Lady Honoria was the most kind and beautiful woman in all the land. She had flaxen hair and skin like fresh strawberries and cream. Sir Umphrey loved her more than anyone in the world, except their son, Jocelyn. Lady Honoria begged Sir Umphrey to stay home and live in idyll with her and Jocelyn. But he had trouble sleeping when he remembered the evils of the world and how he had sworn to combat them. And so Sir Umphrey and his faithful squire Pepin rode away again and again, leaving Lady Honoria and Jocelyn alone.
One day, Sir Umphrey returned home to find funeral arrangements in progress. He asked Jocelyn what had happened.
"Don't you know, father? Your own wife caught ill and died, and you weren't even here. Do you even recall the last words you said to her?"
Sir Umphrey felt deeply ashamed. He began wearing a cilice at all times. Every time Jocelyn touched his father in comfort, it dug into Sir Umphrey's flesh and he grimaced as through struck. When Jocelyn begged him to speak, he would only say "What does it matter?"
Jocelyn and Pepin were now young men, but neither of them had heard of a question that had no answer. Jocelyn became determined to find the answer for his father, hoping that it would cure him of his melancholy.
They first found a chef, the finest in all the land. He told them that life was pleasure, and promised to bake the most delicious cake he had ever baked for Sir Umphrey. But Sir Umphrey took one bite and said it tasted of ash.
Next, they spoke to a bard, the most wonderful in the land. He told them that life was feeling, and promised to sing his most beautiful songs for Sir Umphrey. But Sir Umphrey listened and was not moved, and the bard left.
On and on Jocelyn and Pepin traveled, but it seemed nothing and no one could help Sir Umphrey. Finally, they reached a swamp at the very edge of the world. In the center of the swamp lived an old monk, and when they told him of their troubles, he wrote down a few words on a dirty piece of paper.
"Is that all?" said Jocelyn, angered that they had wasted time getting here, and had gained mere words. He felt that the monk could at least pray for his father. But Pepin, who had seen more of the world, led Jocelyn away.
They returned home, and Jocelyn knelt at his father's bedside. "I'm sorry, father, but I've failed. All the riches this world has to offer have not restored your hope, and there is nothing more I can do."
#
Morgana was on her way to bid Uther good night. She slowed down when she saw Arthur outside the king's chambers, sitting on the floor.
"What's going on?" she asked, alarmed, but he shushed her and pointed towards the door, which was slightly ajar.
From inside, Morgana could hear Ethan's voice.
"Oh," she whispered, sitting down next to Arthur. "Is this the one where Lady Honoria dies? I love that one - so sad!"
#
"After Jocelyn left dejected, Pepin gave Sir Umphrey the monk's note."
Ethan stopped speaking, and continued to polish the mantelpiece. The silence was also part of the story.
Uther watched him for a moment before saying the first words he'd uttered in two days. "Well? What did it say?"
Still turned toward the fireplace, Ethan smiled to himself.
"It said, 'If nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do.'"
#
Merlin grumbled to himself as he carried a potion to the king's chamber. This particular potion had to be made fresh every day, and it was always to be delivered to Uther after supper. It was well after supper now, but Gaius was just now getting to it - how like Gaius to forget a thing he did every single day.
An unusual scene greeted him outside the king's chambers: Arthur and Morgana, huddled together outside the door, apparently eavesdropping.
Before he had a chance to ask what was going on, Ethan swept out of the chamber.
"King's potion," said Merlin, sticking out his hand.
Ethan took the phial without a word and swept back into the chamber. Merlin let out a breath. It wasn't that he didn't like Ethan, just that sometimes he wondered if some mad inventor had built him out of spare parts from the drawbridge and portcullis.
Morgana said, "He changed the ending. Sir Umphrey died of a broken heart. Perhaps he thought that was too dark for Uther to hear right now?"
"Don't be silly," said Arthur. "He told it the same way he's always told it. Sir Umphrey has to live, or how could he see Jocelyn follow in his footsteps?"
"He wouldn't, would he? That's what makes it a tragedy. Tell him, Merlin."
Merlin held up his hands in surrender. "I'm sorry, but I've never heard of Sir Humphrey."
"Umphrey," said Arthur. "Are you joking? What kind of hideously impoverished childhood did you have?"
Merlin waited a moment, to see if Arthur was listening to the words dribbling out of his own mouth. Morgana, too, was watching him with a sort of amused outrage.
Arthur looked from one to the other. "Most people aren't so poor they can't afford stories," he said at last. "How was I to know?"
Ethan reentered the corridor, closing the chamber door silently behind him. He handed the empty phial to Merlin and made to leave.
Morgana stopped him. "Ethan, tell Arthur how the story really ends. You did change the ending for Uther, didn't you?"
Ethan blinked. It seemed he hadn't known about his shadow audience. "Why…no, my lady. I told His Majesty the story I always told His Highness Prince Arthur."
"Aha!" said Arthur. "You see?"
Morgana set her hands on her hips. "Which one is the real one, mine or his?"
"Both, my lady. Each of you got the Sir Umphrey you preferred."
His tone was mild as always, but Morgana still looked a bit anxious, as if she had slain Sir Umphrey herself. Ethan excused himself and went back to his cupboard or wherever he kept himself at night.
As far as Merlin knew, Ethan had no life at all outside his duties. He didn't socialize much with the other servants, didn't drink or dance or flirt. But it was well known among the castle staff that Ethan was the one to fetch when the king was in one of his moods, and now it seemed he had invented a series of stories for Arthur and Morgana. While they argued about whether Jocelyn was a son or a daughter, Merlin wondered where in Albion Uther had found such a man, and why he would be satisfied living the menial life of a servant.
#
The next morning, Ethan resumed his customary duties in the customary way. His Majesty's appetite had not entirely returned, but otherwise the morning routine was back to normal.
"Is there anything else Your Majesty requires?" Ethan asked, as he did every morning when he'd finished his tasks.
His Majesty looked at him thoughtfully.
"One thing. Did Sir Umphrey ever thank his faithful squire for his service?"
Ethan smiled a little. As children, His Highness Prince Arthur and the Lady Morgana had also asked him that question.
"One does good for its own sake, and proves devotion by deeds, not words."
"Yes, of course…but still…I suppose it was understood between them?"
"I have always thought so, Your Majesty."
Ethan whistled as he went about the rest of his day.
#
After Ethan left, Uther lingered at the mirror for a bit. One does good for its own sake, and proves devotion by deeds. Uther himself had told Ethan that, a very long time ago.
Once upon a time, there had been a gallant prince in these lands. He was devoted to righteousness, for he had seen how avarice destroyed his elder brothers. One evening, as he was returning from a patrol in the forest, he'd come across a young boy wandering alone. On questioning, the boy told him that his family had been slain by a great beast. The prince found and killed the beast, which, on its death, turned back into the boy's father. It was the cruelest punishment the prince had ever seen - and he had seen many - for the beast's first victims were the loving family who had welcomed him home.
Moved by the boy's plight, the prince had him taken into the royal household and trained as a servant. After many years of devoted service, during which time the hero prince became many other things - a husband, a father, a king - the boy repaid his debt with a simple story reminding the king of the man he used to be.
Uther hated sitting still when he was feeling unsettled, so he headed to Gaius's chamber and asked the physician if he wouldn't mind a bit of a stroll. As they walked, he explained the entire situation, all the way back to Morgause's spell and the many time disruptions he had experienced.
Gaius listened patiently. When Uther was finished, he said, "May I ask how many times have we had this conversation?"
"This would be the third."
"I take it, then, that I wasn't very helpful before."
"In all fairness, I'm not sure what I'm asking of you."
"I am fully qualified to offer either an honest opinion or nonjudgemental waffle, sire."
They stopped at a window overlooking the training ground where Arthur was demonstrating a new sword technique to his knights. Uther watched his son for a few minutes, pride and affection mingling queasily with guilt.
"I suppose you'd better give me the truth."
"Medicine it is." Gaius nodded decisively. "It seems to me that you've done a fine job winning Morgana over. Yet you have only done for her what cost you nothing, and never anything but what would advance your cause with her. What's more, you've neglected Arthur. I suppose he wasn't unhappy enough to require your attention?"
Uther scowled. Medicine, indeed. "What do you mean, 'cost me nothing?' What am I meant to sacrifice, exactly?"
Gaius's eyes hardened in a way Uther had only seen a handful of times in all the years they'd spent together. "Your ward is magical. Don't you find it the slightest bit ironic that you and she are both keeping the same secret from one another?"
"Of course, but if I were to discover Morgana's secret, clearly the only options would be to enforce the law or upend it entirely. Therefore, I must remain ignorant."
"In other words, you're intentionally deceiving her to avoid making a difficult decision, and using magic to do it."
Uther leaned against the wall, defeated. He hadn't thought of things that way, but now that Gaius had said it, it was undeniable. "You think I should tell her."
"I think you are at a crossroads, and Camelot's destiny lies in the path you choose. And another thing," said Gaius, now fixing him with The Eyebrow. "What was Catrina before she was Catrina?"
"You don't want to know," Uther said. "Truly."
That was it, then. The safe road would be to take his secrets to his grave. It did entail lying to Arthur and Morgana for the rest of his life, but the peaceful and prosperous Camelot that Uther had worked so hard to build would remain. Or he could tell them the truth and risk everything…and it wasn't only his life, but the lives of all his subjects in the balance.
The hair on his arms stood on end when he imagined the catastrophe he might bring down upon Camelot if he chose poorly.
#
Author's Notes: Jocelyn is named for Joss Whedon, who penned the ending line of Ethan's bedtime story.
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