Recollections of drunken fun sexy times VI
Last night was quite possibly the best night ever involving free alcohol. There's awesome nights where you pay for alcohol, or don't consume alcohol (GASP!), but this one takes the grand prize for nights involving free alcohol.
As you all know by now, I have that job that gives me free beer. Well, yesterday, I worked the last shift of the promotion. Much beer was had. I ended up staying back with this chick after work, consuming much alcohol at The Australian Hotel. We met 2 really cool guys - one a stock exchange guy and another an accountant. Now, this sounds like a rather dull combination. As dull as Beethoven's hearing. However, they were pseudo gay. Like me. I made many gay comments about myself to Simone (that's that woman's name who stayed back with me). Then those guys came along and were all fake gay like me! It was great - stuff like "oh yes. we should go back there for some quick anal rape of each other". I love them. Up the ass. More beers were consumed. Up the ass.
So then simone decided to drag me off to another pub just up the road. She took me upstairs and mistook a hotel room door for a balcony. She was also very drunk. As drunk as me, if not more. That hotel room door opened and funnily enough the room was unoccupied. I suggested sex. She suggested not having sex. I suggested a threesome with a broom laying there. She agreed.
Anyway, after more searching we found the stairs to the top and got onto the balcony. Much to her dismay, it was occupied by a work Christmas party full of rich types. It had sushi and everything for free. She was about to leave with me downstairs. However, what some people see as a hinderance, I see as an opportunity. I promptly got on a table and announced:
"Dear employees, I would just like to announce that the recent market results are in. Thanks to you all, we have increased our market share by 3.7% and retained our competitive advantage. Congratulations"
Expecting to be arseraped, I was pleasently surprised when everyone clapped and cheered. Success. And free sushi :) I like sushi. Up the ass.
Eventually we migrated downstairs. Simone and I ended up talking to two blokes, one British. I did so in an Irish accent. For about 10 minutes. Then I told them I'm actually Russian. After they said they don't believe me, I did the Cossack dance for them in the middle of the pub. That seemed to convince them. We left with them to go back to the Australian, but not before I made them scissors paper rock each other for the last free beer coupon. Back at the Australian more beers were consumed. I also spoke to a group of Irish backpackers in my Irish accent. Irish people are always drunk, and I was drunk, so logic would dictate that I was Irish.
We caught a cab to ScuBar and in the taxi Simone was trying to speak to the Chinese cabdriver in Chinese. The cabbie just wouldnt understand her (probably because she was actually saying Japanese things). I started using my mad Year 7 Chinese skillz (the ones earned before quitting to do German). In other words, I kept shouting "WO SHI BAI DAWEI! HEY CABDRIVER! WO SHI BAI DAWEI!!!!". This means "My name is David White in Chinese". Later in the cab ride, I go "hey caaaaabdriver...........have you ever had anal sex with a midget?" He got very angry. He kept shouting at us in Chinese.
By this stage I had drunk about 10 beers all up.
So we get to scubar, go downstairs and the British bloke buys a jug of Shandi (that beer mixed with wine/champagne/dont remember mixture). All his mates there also have jugs. He pours me a beer. And I mean it when I say that this glass of beer was never empty in the hour i sat at their table. I'd take a sip, they'd fill it back up. It was awesome. I was so happy that I sent a drunken message to a mate of mine. I reread it to make sure it made sense. My stepdad called me and I couldnt hear him, so I said hold on, and I ran to the toilet so the music wouldnt break the call up. So as I entered the toilet where it was silent, I hung up the phone and proceeded to type him a message. This action made perfect sense to me and the probably 15+ beers in my system at that time.
We lost Simone at one stage (actually we didn't find her again). So I went through my mobile to see if I have her number. I saw a 'Simone' in my phone book and called. I was greeted by a very sleep 'uuuh...hello.' I replied "where are you. weve been looking for you. are you having anal with another woman or something. get your tongue ring back here".
Her reply: "uhhhh..Stas. Are you calling the right number? This is your stepsister".
Eventually I left the bar to go to the train station. The trains weren't running anymore and some random guy expressed his dismay at the situation.
me: yeah fucking trains
him: its stupid, how do we get home! its the governments fault
Me: no wanker! the government is shit.
Him: yeah, dickface! the government IS SHIT!
Me: Dude. Seriously, it's the fault of the government!
Best argument ever, where we were just agreeing with each other.
I got home, went to bed, woke up 2 hours later with a maaaassive headache. So I had the brilliant drunken idea of only getting the part of my brain that doesnt have a headache to go to sleep, as that's much healthier. And keep the headache part awake as it's not operating properly. Well, that was my logic. I stayed up for another hour thinking about how smart I am and how I should sell this idea on ebay.
EDIT: Forgot the best part. I checked the smses I sent last night when I woke up:
SMS to stepdad (note: it was sent to my stepdad, my ex manager and the number 22255 at the same time) - 'm with a friends's i'll phine
SMS to my mate - I love irish and englis they hot so oval free fucking alcohol
As you all know by now, I have that job that gives me free beer. Well, yesterday, I worked the last shift of the promotion. Much beer was had. I ended up staying back with this chick after work, consuming much alcohol at The Australian Hotel. We met 2 really cool guys - one a stock exchange guy and another an accountant. Now, this sounds like a rather dull combination. As dull as Beethoven's hearing. However, they were pseudo gay. Like me. I made many gay comments about myself to Simone (that's that woman's name who stayed back with me). Then those guys came along and were all fake gay like me! It was great - stuff like "oh yes. we should go back there for some quick anal rape of each other". I love them. Up the ass. More beers were consumed. Up the ass.
So then simone decided to drag me off to another pub just up the road. She took me upstairs and mistook a hotel room door for a balcony. She was also very drunk. As drunk as me, if not more. That hotel room door opened and funnily enough the room was unoccupied. I suggested sex. She suggested not having sex. I suggested a threesome with a broom laying there. She agreed.
Anyway, after more searching we found the stairs to the top and got onto the balcony. Much to her dismay, it was occupied by a work Christmas party full of rich types. It had sushi and everything for free. She was about to leave with me downstairs. However, what some people see as a hinderance, I see as an opportunity. I promptly got on a table and announced:
"Dear employees, I would just like to announce that the recent market results are in. Thanks to you all, we have increased our market share by 3.7% and retained our competitive advantage. Congratulations"
Expecting to be arseraped, I was pleasently surprised when everyone clapped and cheered. Success. And free sushi :) I like sushi. Up the ass.
Eventually we migrated downstairs. Simone and I ended up talking to two blokes, one British. I did so in an Irish accent. For about 10 minutes. Then I told them I'm actually Russian. After they said they don't believe me, I did the Cossack dance for them in the middle of the pub. That seemed to convince them. We left with them to go back to the Australian, but not before I made them scissors paper rock each other for the last free beer coupon. Back at the Australian more beers were consumed. I also spoke to a group of Irish backpackers in my Irish accent. Irish people are always drunk, and I was drunk, so logic would dictate that I was Irish.
We caught a cab to ScuBar and in the taxi Simone was trying to speak to the Chinese cabdriver in Chinese. The cabbie just wouldnt understand her (probably because she was actually saying Japanese things). I started using my mad Year 7 Chinese skillz (the ones earned before quitting to do German). In other words, I kept shouting "WO SHI BAI DAWEI! HEY CABDRIVER! WO SHI BAI DAWEI!!!!". This means "My name is David White in Chinese". Later in the cab ride, I go "hey caaaaabdriver...........have you ever had anal sex with a midget?" He got very angry. He kept shouting at us in Chinese.
By this stage I had drunk about 10 beers all up.
So we get to scubar, go downstairs and the British bloke buys a jug of Shandi (that beer mixed with wine/champagne/dont remember mixture). All his mates there also have jugs. He pours me a beer. And I mean it when I say that this glass of beer was never empty in the hour i sat at their table. I'd take a sip, they'd fill it back up. It was awesome. I was so happy that I sent a drunken message to a mate of mine. I reread it to make sure it made sense. My stepdad called me and I couldnt hear him, so I said hold on, and I ran to the toilet so the music wouldnt break the call up. So as I entered the toilet where it was silent, I hung up the phone and proceeded to type him a message. This action made perfect sense to me and the probably 15+ beers in my system at that time.
We lost Simone at one stage (actually we didn't find her again). So I went through my mobile to see if I have her number. I saw a 'Simone' in my phone book and called. I was greeted by a very sleep 'uuuh...hello.' I replied "where are you. weve been looking for you. are you having anal with another woman or something. get your tongue ring back here".
Her reply: "uhhhh..Stas. Are you calling the right number? This is your stepsister".
Eventually I left the bar to go to the train station. The trains weren't running anymore and some random guy expressed his dismay at the situation.
me: yeah fucking trains
him: its stupid, how do we get home! its the governments fault
Me: no wanker! the government is shit.
Him: yeah, dickface! the government IS SHIT!
Me: Dude. Seriously, it's the fault of the government!
Best argument ever, where we were just agreeing with each other.
I got home, went to bed, woke up 2 hours later with a maaaassive headache. So I had the brilliant drunken idea of only getting the part of my brain that doesnt have a headache to go to sleep, as that's much healthier. And keep the headache part awake as it's not operating properly. Well, that was my logic. I stayed up for another hour thinking about how smart I am and how I should sell this idea on ebay.
EDIT: Forgot the best part. I checked the smses I sent last night when I woke up:
SMS to stepdad (note: it was sent to my stepdad, my ex manager and the number 22255 at the same time) - 'm with a friends's i'll phine
SMS to my mate - I love irish and englis they hot so oval free fucking alcohol