to whom it may concern
i feel like you wouldn't like me if the circumstances of our aquaintinceship had of been different. For example say we had of met in a coffee shop or at a bar, or waiting in line at the store, or on a bus or something like that. If we had of met in that type of situation i find it hard to believe that you would like me or that we would have ever become friends.
i have come to realize that everyone i have ever met or considered a friend has been through other friends or work or something like that. what i'm getting at is that i don't think i am a very likeable person, and the only reason why people like me is because they are forced to be around me, therefor they are nice enough to convince themselves that i am worth liking, probably more so out of convience than because they really like me. it is eaiser that way, i do the same thing, like at work, or with a person who is always around mutual friends or something, if you have to be around them, you might as well like them, see what i mean?
i know this must sound extremely insecure, which i can't deny, or it might sound like i am just seeking out approval, but that is not the case. i am not writing this because i want someone to say something that they think i want to hear, something like "oh ben, of course i like you, you are totally likeable." that is not what i want to hear, and i wouldn't believe it anyways. at this point in my life i don't really care if anyone likes me or not, that used to be really important to me because i was only able to find self-worth by using other peoples opinion of me as how i felt about myself. i no longer do that, or at least not to the same extent. i am perfectly content with forming my own opinion of my self and creating my self-esteem and self-worth internally, of course this means that these things are non-existant, but that is nothing new.
i feel the need for change in my life. not so much changing everything around me, but more changing who i am. i hate myself, and i hate just about everything about me: the things i do, the way i act, the way i look and dress, my sense of humor, my intellect, the choices i have made, and those i continue to make. the hardest part of feeling this way is all the things that i can change and all of the different versions of me that i can see myself becoming are people that i hate just as much. perhaps this is a good thing though, because if there is in fact a version of me that i might like and i can't see or imagine what that person is like, it means that i will have to discover who and what that person is like, which is cool cause it means it will take time and effort, and it means that the person i am now is so different and far from that other person, that this guy can't even understand what that guy is like, which is good. does this make any sense at all? perhaps not, it makes some sense to me, but none of this really matters or is at all important.
also i have some good news, i now have $2 to my name, that right TWO DOLLARS! this is a lot better than what i didn't have before.
sorry kid, no can do, these are my two dollars, and im not givvin' it up for no one, even if i have to do a ski race down a scary mountain and try to win over some foregin exchange frence girl staying with the nerdy guy across the street, i'd be better off dead than to give you my two dollars!!!!!
i have come to realize that everyone i have ever met or considered a friend has been through other friends or work or something like that. what i'm getting at is that i don't think i am a very likeable person, and the only reason why people like me is because they are forced to be around me, therefor they are nice enough to convince themselves that i am worth liking, probably more so out of convience than because they really like me. it is eaiser that way, i do the same thing, like at work, or with a person who is always around mutual friends or something, if you have to be around them, you might as well like them, see what i mean?
i know this must sound extremely insecure, which i can't deny, or it might sound like i am just seeking out approval, but that is not the case. i am not writing this because i want someone to say something that they think i want to hear, something like "oh ben, of course i like you, you are totally likeable." that is not what i want to hear, and i wouldn't believe it anyways. at this point in my life i don't really care if anyone likes me or not, that used to be really important to me because i was only able to find self-worth by using other peoples opinion of me as how i felt about myself. i no longer do that, or at least not to the same extent. i am perfectly content with forming my own opinion of my self and creating my self-esteem and self-worth internally, of course this means that these things are non-existant, but that is nothing new.
i feel the need for change in my life. not so much changing everything around me, but more changing who i am. i hate myself, and i hate just about everything about me: the things i do, the way i act, the way i look and dress, my sense of humor, my intellect, the choices i have made, and those i continue to make. the hardest part of feeling this way is all the things that i can change and all of the different versions of me that i can see myself becoming are people that i hate just as much. perhaps this is a good thing though, because if there is in fact a version of me that i might like and i can't see or imagine what that person is like, it means that i will have to discover who and what that person is like, which is cool cause it means it will take time and effort, and it means that the person i am now is so different and far from that other person, that this guy can't even understand what that guy is like, which is good. does this make any sense at all? perhaps not, it makes some sense to me, but none of this really matters or is at all important.
also i have some good news, i now have $2 to my name, that right TWO DOLLARS! this is a lot better than what i didn't have before.
sorry kid, no can do, these are my two dollars, and im not givvin' it up for no one, even if i have to do a ski race down a scary mountain and try to win over some foregin exchange frence girl staying with the nerdy guy across the street, i'd be better off dead than to give you my two dollars!!!!!