unparallel
i think i like it better when things happen in my head instead of real life. it makes me feel in control and safe and the outcomes of various circumstances are dependent on the extent of my imagination and not on people, so i don’t get disappointed. also, i can carefully tweak my own personality and appearance, much like the colour/contrast button on a television set to project the most flattering image of myself. i will have tinkling laughter and flawless skin and skinny calves. i will read and integrate tolstoy quotes (and not just the first line from anna karenina because everybody already knows that one) into everyday conversations. i will drink fluids regularly. funny how it works, really. when things leap out of my mind and into reality i am at an absolute loss. what do i do now? even when i squeeze my eyes shut, really really tight, the problems are still there. stark and intrusive. this is nothing a few well chosen words can dismiss. and after a while whatever it is, you stop noticing it. not acceptance, not entirely, but maybe something very close to that. i don’t know what that is though.