Secrets and Skeletons
Family secrets and skeletons don't just cause me unnecessary shame and guilt ( after all, it's not my skeleton rattling noisily from generations ago, or my skeletons that live in my exN's, ) they have caused me paranoia. Damn it's perverted to expect a child to protect and maintain the Secrets and Skeletons in order to remain a member, or punish them in devious ways when they don't. I'm not a child anymore , though still am in some ways [how much approval from others do I really freakin' need? i.e, if the little voice inside says it's ok, it's ok and let it go ] and need to be in others [i.e., lose the jaded weariness, let awe and wonder back in] . But my paranoia--the perceptual self-doubts to outright hallucinatory-type experiences, is a different animal. Some N's really were out to "get me", I just didn't know it, but I sensed it, and had such intense anxiety that I couldn't attach to anything obvious or even identify, that I developed a cloud of free-floating paranoia that would come and go like any cloud does. Funny--people say I am great in a crisis, and am calm in a storm. The Peacemaker. The anxiety was internalized, rarely visible on the outside, except for rare occasions.
Loss of something meaningful to me (death of a person or pet, or relationship death) seems to trigger it, and that paranoid cloud can start its drift long before the obvious loss gets here. I never experienced it when my parents died, and I think it's because at their end, our relationships were healed as much as they humanly could be, and we were in good places with one another. It's the unexpected stuff that my subconscious was expecting all along that I have to sort through. How much did I bring about through behaviors based on my own unconscious fears, vs. was I reading warning signs and just preparing for the bomb to fall ? I think the hallucinatory experiences were some form of flashback, or body memory, or just a general overload problem, although I have had 3 + genuine ESP experiences as well. Will be working on this one for some time to come, but it's all still good, in spite of 'Dem Bones.
Loss of something meaningful to me (death of a person or pet, or relationship death) seems to trigger it, and that paranoid cloud can start its drift long before the obvious loss gets here. I never experienced it when my parents died, and I think it's because at their end, our relationships were healed as much as they humanly could be, and we were in good places with one another. It's the unexpected stuff that my subconscious was expecting all along that I have to sort through. How much did I bring about through behaviors based on my own unconscious fears, vs. was I reading warning signs and just preparing for the bomb to fall ? I think the hallucinatory experiences were some form of flashback, or body memory, or just a general overload problem, although I have had 3 + genuine ESP experiences as well. Will be working on this one for some time to come, but it's all still good, in spite of 'Dem Bones.