Question of the day: "Why do your teeth look like that? Did you do meth?"
Journal Question: “Why are your teeth like that?” February 12, 2013
Before you read this, please keep in mind, the only exception to the things I say about the men I have had relationships with, is my ex-husband, Andy.
Sometimes, it really sucks that I have a pretty face, but the minute I open my mouth to speak, my broken teeth scare people away. No, I have never done meth. No, I have never been into any drugs that destroyed my teeth. I have done my best to keep my teeth as long as I could. My family has soft enamel, if we have any at all. Fluoride destroys our teeth behind the enamel, because it is only effective if you have enamel to begin with. To top it off, because I was born into a poor family, meaning that my mother was on welfare, dentists treated me horribly when I went to see them. It is absolutely terrifying to get to the dentist, because I was called so many bad names every time I went to see a dentist as a kid, and young adult. I was not born into a family with insurance, except the meager state Medicare that dentists didn’t like to take.
Could you imagine sitting helpless in a dentist chair, at a very young age, and being told horrible things, like “welfare brat” or “you aren’t going to amount to anything, just like your mom,” (which was their opinion). The dentists were completely compassion less. Of course, most of my dentist experience was in the small town I grew up in, where everyone "knew" my welfare mom was a bar-hopping lush who kept having welfare kids in hopes of landing a man. (Again public opinion, but I heard it all the time from the adults in town)
It hurts when people judge me based on my smile, so I tend to shy away from people as much as possible. My history of shitty boyfriends is probably because the really smart and good ones couldn’t stand to look at me, because of my teeth. Oh, sure, they can be my friend but that’s about it.
I realized that I have taken that compassion-less attitude that was served to me at a young age, and transferred it to other people, so I wouldn’t be hurt anymore. I shy away from people. I don’t get the job because although I have loads of experience, people like to look at a perfect set of teeth. I take odd jobs, because my mouth makes people think bad things about me that aren’t true.
What is true?
When I was 24, I had all my upper teeth pulled out and replaced by dentures. Not that I wanted to do that, or that they were that bad. But State Medicare would not pay to have them filled and fixed properly. That required the kind of wealth that I was not privileged to have. AS I lay back on the chair to be given some gas to sleep, I had a panic attack. The dentist and assistants were not compassionate at all. They got angry with me, and when I asked to have my husband in there, they told me that he was in the waiting room, but would not allow him to come to my side. I was scared, and told them to just give me some shots of nova-cane and pull them out. I remember how scared I was, and the whole time they were pulling out my teeth, I cried because I was scared. They said horrible things about me, about my teeth, and that I should have learned how to brush properly. I did brush. I brushed often, but that wasn’t the real problem, and no one really cared to understand or give me any sort of respect as a human being. I was a Medicare patient, which to them, meant I was a low life. The rest of my teeth at that time, were drilled into for a partial denture on the bottom. Although I protested and questioned the idea of drilling, as I knew that would bring cavities that I didn’t want, the drilling was the eventual ruin of my remaining teeth. Brushing well and flossing only saved them until a few years ago, when most of them were broken off. I brush daily, and when I have a toothache, I brush more often; to deaden the nerves so the pain will stop.
I am very intelligent, and have been told that I have an extremely high IQ. I keep perusing an education, because I have a passion for learning. It seems that my education is one of the things that I can do right and I can feel good about myself. One of the reasons that going back to school online has been so successful, is that I do not have to be in a classroom of people who look at me as if I am a meth-head because of my teeth.
Everything is good in my little virtual world, where I can talk to people who can’t see me, and they treat me with respect, as a human being worthy of love, and honor my intelligence.
Then, the depression starts in when I meet someone that I am very attracted to, but he doesn’t want to get close to me, because of my teeth. I see the disdain in his eyes, and I go home and cry.
I meet people online. Some of the men I have met online, who think that I am beautiful on the inside and out. However, I am scared to actually meet them in person, because I know that look. The look that says they couldn’t stand to look at me talk, and that this would be the last time I would hear from them. I think that is sad, painful, and lonely.
I have had a long string of crappy boyfriends, because touch, even if the person is mean to me, is better than being lonely. There is a song that says, “if you can’t be with the one you love, then love the one you’re with.” I am fairly sure that the song was written for people who were not in my shoes, but all the same, I have let myself be abused because those were the only relationships I could be in where someone would call me beautiful, sexy, or just tell me that I am loved.
I am tired of being in crappy relationships. I am tired of being abused. I just want someone to look past my genetic imperfections and see me! I want someone to SEE me for WHO I am. I am smart, funny, loving, giving, sweet, kind, strong, vulnerable, and amazing if anyone cares to get that close.
Then if I am lucky enough to form a friendship with someone, and I feel as if I am getting too close, I experience the fear of abandonment issues that keep me from allowing others to get too close. When they do get close, and I get hurt, scared, or they just aren’t at the same or reasonably similar intellect as I am, I feel frustrated and put them away, walk out, or just burn my bridges. I think this is a self-preservation mechanism that keeps my emotions just distant enough to avoid intimacy. Of course, this also relates back to my lack of self-confidence in my appearance.
It’s easy for someone who has always had a good relationship with their dentist, to simply tell me to just go get my teeth fixed. But it’s not been that easy. Imagine your worst fear, and then think about submitting to the will of another person to face that fear. You are helpless against the will of the other person. You have no idea what he or she will do, say, or think as you are submitting to that person. It may not be your physical life that is in the hands of another person, but it is your emotional life that must be in total submission.
I have been at the verge of having enough trust to go ahead and get my teeth fixed. I realize that the strength to overcome this fear needs to come from deep within myself. Although I am almost there, I seem to have a serious issue that keeps me from following through. It’s a fear I need to overcome, but I don’t know how to overcome it. Just do it is great advice, from a new friend of mine. I appreciate his honesty and candor, but even he sees my teeth and I can’t help but wonder if he silently wants to ask me what happened. I believe that is why I started writing this journal entry, especially after I was blatantly asked about my teeth by another neighbor, who actually wanted me to show him my broken teeth. I refused, because it’s embarrassing and I don’t want to gross anyone out, because I am grossed out. There lies my internal battle - I am grossed out by my own teeth, and I need to figure out how to turn that personal disdain into strength and confidence to make that move and go to the dentist to start having my teeth fixed.
~Beverly “Star” McKee-Jossy