I am single now
Single.
There, I said it. I am single. I like the idea of being completely in control of myself, but at the same time, it is terrifying to think that it is just my 13 year old son and I, living alone in this 35 foot trailer. In the past, I haven't been single for long. I skipped from one relationship to another, in search of something that felt right. When all along, I should have just been trying to find what felt right in me.
I was scared back then. Scared to venture out into the world by myself. Scared that people would take advantage of me. Scared that I wouldn't know the right choices to make, without a partner to help me make those choices. Scared. Scared to pay all the bills by myself. Scared to raise my kids on my own. Scared to be the only one truly in charge.
I wonder if it is the programming I received as a child. The stuff that says the world is one big scary place outside of the little logging/farming town I grew up in. I wonder if it is the idea that I was supposed to grow up, marry the farmer's son, have babies, and never leave the safety of our little community.
I wanted adventure. I wanted experiences. I wanted to know more about the world around me. I wanted out of that little town, and that's when all the relationships started.
I don't regret how I got here. I don't regret any of my experiences, my children, my relationships. Each one has taught me so much about being human, and how to do my best to be a darn good one too.
I am single now. Yesterday, I didn't have to ask permission or have an argument with anyone about taking some time for me. I went to a women's group meditation circle. It felt wonderful to be doing this with my son's girlfriend. Afterward, we went out for lunch, and had a great time.
I am single now. This means that my friendships are mine. I don't have to explain to anyone who I am with, why, or for how long. I can hang out with my friends when I want to and not have anyone trying to make me feel guilty for not hanging out with him.
I am single now. This means that I don't have to take care of a man-child pretending to be my partner. The only man-child I have to take care of is StarDancer. I am doing a darn good job of that too.
I am single now. This means that I don't have to feel guilty about having homework at night and that I am ignoring anyone, because StarDancer usually has homework too.
Things are much cheaper now. My grocery bill is so much smaller. I hadn't realized how much a grown man eats! StarDancer and I have small meals that are filling, and easy on the budget.
I think back to the reasons that I always wanted a partner, and they kind of seem silly now. I think part of it was to have a father figure around for my kids, when the men I chose were not good examples of how to be, but ones that were how not to be. The only exception to that, is my ex-husband, Andy. He was and still is an exceptional man. StarDancer is very lucky to have a father such as him. Together, we still raise StarDancer to be the best young man he can be. It's kind of funny though, it took a divorce for Andy and I to grow up and realize how to get along with parenting. I still love him dearly. I always will.
I am single now. :)
There, I said it. I am single. I like the idea of being completely in control of myself, but at the same time, it is terrifying to think that it is just my 13 year old son and I, living alone in this 35 foot trailer. In the past, I haven't been single for long. I skipped from one relationship to another, in search of something that felt right. When all along, I should have just been trying to find what felt right in me.
I was scared back then. Scared to venture out into the world by myself. Scared that people would take advantage of me. Scared that I wouldn't know the right choices to make, without a partner to help me make those choices. Scared. Scared to pay all the bills by myself. Scared to raise my kids on my own. Scared to be the only one truly in charge.
I wonder if it is the programming I received as a child. The stuff that says the world is one big scary place outside of the little logging/farming town I grew up in. I wonder if it is the idea that I was supposed to grow up, marry the farmer's son, have babies, and never leave the safety of our little community.
I wanted adventure. I wanted experiences. I wanted to know more about the world around me. I wanted out of that little town, and that's when all the relationships started.
I don't regret how I got here. I don't regret any of my experiences, my children, my relationships. Each one has taught me so much about being human, and how to do my best to be a darn good one too.
I am single now. Yesterday, I didn't have to ask permission or have an argument with anyone about taking some time for me. I went to a women's group meditation circle. It felt wonderful to be doing this with my son's girlfriend. Afterward, we went out for lunch, and had a great time.
I am single now. This means that my friendships are mine. I don't have to explain to anyone who I am with, why, or for how long. I can hang out with my friends when I want to and not have anyone trying to make me feel guilty for not hanging out with him.
I am single now. This means that I don't have to take care of a man-child pretending to be my partner. The only man-child I have to take care of is StarDancer. I am doing a darn good job of that too.
I am single now. This means that I don't have to feel guilty about having homework at night and that I am ignoring anyone, because StarDancer usually has homework too.
Things are much cheaper now. My grocery bill is so much smaller. I hadn't realized how much a grown man eats! StarDancer and I have small meals that are filling, and easy on the budget.
I think back to the reasons that I always wanted a partner, and they kind of seem silly now. I think part of it was to have a father figure around for my kids, when the men I chose were not good examples of how to be, but ones that were how not to be. The only exception to that, is my ex-husband, Andy. He was and still is an exceptional man. StarDancer is very lucky to have a father such as him. Together, we still raise StarDancer to be the best young man he can be. It's kind of funny though, it took a divorce for Andy and I to grow up and realize how to get along with parenting. I still love him dearly. I always will.
I am single now. :)