(no subject)
time for like a background check??I dunno i just kinda felt like doing it. SO here goes:
Ever since I can remember I'v been obsessed with my looks. When I was younger I was taller than everyone else and neighbors and friends would tell me I should model. I wasn't satisfied with being tall and I'm assuming thin, I can't really remember because I never thought I was thin enough. I didn't have any support or resources and never acted out enough to let it be noticed. My mom was always warning me about what I ate and that it would catch up with me and she'd point stuff out. I'm like 11/12 years old I should not be worrying about that!!Just because she is obsessed with herself doesn't mean I should too!!But it was too late and I guess after seeing her working out putting herself down and stuff I thought well she isn't bad looking and doesn't deserve that, so I did it too. Over the years I was never satisfied because I was taller and then numbers for my weight were higher I just wanted to be normal. I always wanted to be a model or homecoming queen or something anything to be loved I guess. So depression came setting in and so cutting came along, and this is a few years later like between 8/9 grade because during 8th grade I was skipping lunches and sneaking in workouts. So 9th grade I was seperated from my boyfriend, he was at another high school, and I was really depressed and I struggled for a year. My boyfriends mom is a counselor and even came over and talked to my parents about stuff because matt was worried about me. But they did nothing, so for another year it got worse and worse until like almost exactly one year later I was put into outpatient and began therapy and meds. In a few months I was over cutting and happiness was finally a new found feeling. Which leads up to like this past spring and this summer. I dont cut and I'm getting off the meds and have more motivation and energy and focus because of therapy our family and my parents are now going to get help so it should turn out pretty well. But as this is going on I'm becoming more and more obsessive, last year starting 10th grade I was the thinnest I have ever been and I didn't eat like all summer and was working out all day. Then school came and I slowly and not too drastically gained, like maybe 5-10lbs some even muscle. I tried to help myself get better but it didnt work. So Here came summer again and I picked up on old habits, maybe it's season related I dunno. It's always with me though. So here I am this summer the most consumed I'v ever been with this. And I'm even happy with it because I have strength focus and energy that I never had before. I have hope that I will lose the weight be where I want and keep it off, start school beautiful and stay that way. I'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend and that gets better everyday. So that is where I am pretty much currently.
lol who knows why the heck I wanted to do that but w/e..
so far today is one cup of coffee to help things move along lol and now I'm gonna go work out because I'v checked out the friends page and done some relaxing so I'm off to workout and clean and keep restricting becuase I'm fasting as much as possible until friday and I'm hoping this week my family is busy and I can get by on small or nothing dinners. I feel like taking some dramatic pics lol..maybe I will hold my own lil photo shooot..or not. OH by the way I'm so happy to say that I bought some cute undies the other day..smalls might I add!!Finally my butt is shrinking because thongs don't compare because they have nothing to cover I always get like xs in those but for like the boyshorts..SMALLS!Yay!!
Ever since I can remember I'v been obsessed with my looks. When I was younger I was taller than everyone else and neighbors and friends would tell me I should model. I wasn't satisfied with being tall and I'm assuming thin, I can't really remember because I never thought I was thin enough. I didn't have any support or resources and never acted out enough to let it be noticed. My mom was always warning me about what I ate and that it would catch up with me and she'd point stuff out. I'm like 11/12 years old I should not be worrying about that!!Just because she is obsessed with herself doesn't mean I should too!!But it was too late and I guess after seeing her working out putting herself down and stuff I thought well she isn't bad looking and doesn't deserve that, so I did it too. Over the years I was never satisfied because I was taller and then numbers for my weight were higher I just wanted to be normal. I always wanted to be a model or homecoming queen or something anything to be loved I guess. So depression came setting in and so cutting came along, and this is a few years later like between 8/9 grade because during 8th grade I was skipping lunches and sneaking in workouts. So 9th grade I was seperated from my boyfriend, he was at another high school, and I was really depressed and I struggled for a year. My boyfriends mom is a counselor and even came over and talked to my parents about stuff because matt was worried about me. But they did nothing, so for another year it got worse and worse until like almost exactly one year later I was put into outpatient and began therapy and meds. In a few months I was over cutting and happiness was finally a new found feeling. Which leads up to like this past spring and this summer. I dont cut and I'm getting off the meds and have more motivation and energy and focus because of therapy our family and my parents are now going to get help so it should turn out pretty well. But as this is going on I'm becoming more and more obsessive, last year starting 10th grade I was the thinnest I have ever been and I didn't eat like all summer and was working out all day. Then school came and I slowly and not too drastically gained, like maybe 5-10lbs some even muscle. I tried to help myself get better but it didnt work. So Here came summer again and I picked up on old habits, maybe it's season related I dunno. It's always with me though. So here I am this summer the most consumed I'v ever been with this. And I'm even happy with it because I have strength focus and energy that I never had before. I have hope that I will lose the weight be where I want and keep it off, start school beautiful and stay that way. I'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend and that gets better everyday. So that is where I am pretty much currently.
lol who knows why the heck I wanted to do that but w/e..
so far today is one cup of coffee to help things move along lol and now I'm gonna go work out because I'v checked out the friends page and done some relaxing so I'm off to workout and clean and keep restricting becuase I'm fasting as much as possible until friday and I'm hoping this week my family is busy and I can get by on small or nothing dinners. I feel like taking some dramatic pics lol..maybe I will hold my own lil photo shooot..or not. OH by the way I'm so happy to say that I bought some cute undies the other day..smalls might I add!!Finally my butt is shrinking because thongs don't compare because they have nothing to cover I always get like xs in those but for like the boyshorts..SMALLS!Yay!!