(no subject)
ok so I was just reading a post that someone made about going "number 2" haha I feel like a lil kid, okay taking a shit. I dont do it often maybe once a week or longer than that and it has been that way for awhile and so I was thinking that next time I go to the doctors I could ask them for like something that will make me go more regularly, I think that could help with going like everyday or everyother day meaning my system keeps moving and I get everything out sooner because sometimes I spend a three days waiting for it to come out and meanwhile I'm bloated in pain and my stomach sticks out so I'm gonna try that, and to drink a cup of coffee every morning.
so back to an actual update I was at matts friday and I took my journals with me..from middle school til more recently and wow lead to some conversations. first it was funny looking back to the old days and we got into talking about when we first got together and it was just awesome*i'm his first girlfriend hehe a new piece of information, and we're both eachothers first kisses*so then he notices how much I mention my weight..then we get to the newer stuff and I have my thinspiration in there and more depressing mature entries and I end up just crying and pouring out to him that I need help. not need help but just some care. He didn't realize how long I'd been struggling with eating and he thought I was doing better but I told him the truth and that its getting worse. Then I let him read the letter from ana that I had tucked away in there. He looked shocked. He just held me and told me to let it out. He didn't make me talk or confess or do anything. He just let me lay there and hugged me kissed my on my forehead and covered me in a blanket. It was so nice to finally let it out I felt like I'd kept it in so much and releasing it to him felt so good. I just cried and we talked. Not too much but it felt like I'd waited a life time for that, but it was hard becuase I'd never physically spoken about it to anyone. He asked me to promise him that I'd try to be healthy. Not perfect and not a miracle. Just to try to be healthy for myself. I told him I would and I do mean it. I'm going to be more restrictive tho. I will plan out everything everyday and I will excercise too. But I will be healthier because I will not binge. And I don't want it to sound bad because I love him so much and did not lie directly or intentionally because I am going to try to better myself by planning it out to avoid binging and then fasts. So I'm now keeping a written journal again and he's going to read it every so often, not for him- for me. It was my idea so that I can let him in more. I can't go back to therapy and outpatient for this so I am on my own. I'm gonna try to do this right and it seems like I'm taking loop holes around what I told him and I guess thats what I'm doing because I have no inention of gaining any weight, and he's not telling me to gain or to eat a ton just to be safe and healthier. He just wants me happy and nothing means more to me than that. So I'm going to reassure him and not keep him out. He told me that his friend brandon and him have a promise to eachother that brandon will be his best man, to our wedding :) yay nothing made me smile more. We had a night of very connective talking. I feel so close to him now and I didn't think I could get any closer. I had left a shirt there from his party and he gave it back to me after putting some of his aftershave and cologne on it because I had let him put my perform on his shoulder. I wore the shirt yesterday and keep it on my pillow and smell it when I'm sad. he said when I'm anxious or unhappy to keep it with me. I love this kid so much, went and saw willy wonka today lol it was interesting, pretty cute. The sound broke for a lil and then the power went out haha but it was good. And then we got candy bars, it was kinda awkward because I didn't wanna do it but I wanna show him I'm trying. I won't go into detail of what I ate this weekend because It will make me worse off but I can say that I am starting tomorrow as a fresh week and I will work my ass off. I mowed the lawn today in like 95 degree weather and then powerwashed..I have to have burned major calories doing all that. So thats all I really have to say..gonna start tomorrow with a cup of coffee and nothing and then do household stuff then hopefully go walk around the mall for a few hours and then come home and have some tea then painting some shutters in my parents room then the bike for awhile and pilates moves then a shower and if no dinner possible/as little as possible :) as soon as I feel like the water weight is off, more pictures
so back to an actual update I was at matts friday and I took my journals with me..from middle school til more recently and wow lead to some conversations. first it was funny looking back to the old days and we got into talking about when we first got together and it was just awesome*i'm his first girlfriend hehe a new piece of information, and we're both eachothers first kisses*so then he notices how much I mention my weight..then we get to the newer stuff and I have my thinspiration in there and more depressing mature entries and I end up just crying and pouring out to him that I need help. not need help but just some care. He didn't realize how long I'd been struggling with eating and he thought I was doing better but I told him the truth and that its getting worse. Then I let him read the letter from ana that I had tucked away in there. He looked shocked. He just held me and told me to let it out. He didn't make me talk or confess or do anything. He just let me lay there and hugged me kissed my on my forehead and covered me in a blanket. It was so nice to finally let it out I felt like I'd kept it in so much and releasing it to him felt so good. I just cried and we talked. Not too much but it felt like I'd waited a life time for that, but it was hard becuase I'd never physically spoken about it to anyone. He asked me to promise him that I'd try to be healthy. Not perfect and not a miracle. Just to try to be healthy for myself. I told him I would and I do mean it. I'm going to be more restrictive tho. I will plan out everything everyday and I will excercise too. But I will be healthier because I will not binge. And I don't want it to sound bad because I love him so much and did not lie directly or intentionally because I am going to try to better myself by planning it out to avoid binging and then fasts. So I'm now keeping a written journal again and he's going to read it every so often, not for him- for me. It was my idea so that I can let him in more. I can't go back to therapy and outpatient for this so I am on my own. I'm gonna try to do this right and it seems like I'm taking loop holes around what I told him and I guess thats what I'm doing because I have no inention of gaining any weight, and he's not telling me to gain or to eat a ton just to be safe and healthier. He just wants me happy and nothing means more to me than that. So I'm going to reassure him and not keep him out. He told me that his friend brandon and him have a promise to eachother that brandon will be his best man, to our wedding :) yay nothing made me smile more. We had a night of very connective talking. I feel so close to him now and I didn't think I could get any closer. I had left a shirt there from his party and he gave it back to me after putting some of his aftershave and cologne on it because I had let him put my perform on his shoulder. I wore the shirt yesterday and keep it on my pillow and smell it when I'm sad. he said when I'm anxious or unhappy to keep it with me. I love this kid so much, went and saw willy wonka today lol it was interesting, pretty cute. The sound broke for a lil and then the power went out haha but it was good. And then we got candy bars, it was kinda awkward because I didn't wanna do it but I wanna show him I'm trying. I won't go into detail of what I ate this weekend because It will make me worse off but I can say that I am starting tomorrow as a fresh week and I will work my ass off. I mowed the lawn today in like 95 degree weather and then powerwashed..I have to have burned major calories doing all that. So thats all I really have to say..gonna start tomorrow with a cup of coffee and nothing and then do household stuff then hopefully go walk around the mall for a few hours and then come home and have some tea then painting some shutters in my parents room then the bike for awhile and pilates moves then a shower and if no dinner possible/as little as possible :) as soon as I feel like the water weight is off, more pictures