(no subject)
So I had an epiphany over the weekend. And my epiphany was this: I think I'm ready to date other people. If there's anything my last visit with Andy has proved, it's that he just doesn't give a shit anymore. He used to, there still used to be SOMETHING there, something that i could latch onto, and so I kept hoping and hoping instead of letting go. But something happened over this summer, I think. He just grew up and he grew up without me and without needing me anymore. And that is that. I think my epiphany had something to do with my body just not being able to handle it anymore. You can only take that kind of pain for so long (since the end of sophomore year anyone???) without snapping either into some kind of enlightenment or into some kind of suicidal track. And I already played with the suicidal track last year and didn't much care for it.
Here is what happened to get my epiphany: I was laying on my bed, thinking how lonely I was, and I was imagining someone lying next to me, and us staring up at the cieling and talking. And then I realized, that person wasn't Andy. I don't know who it was, but it was the first time I didn't automatically think of him. And something in me was like "well, that's it then." Just like that. I realized there has to be someone else, someone else out there that I just haven't quite found yet, and all they want to do is make me happy. Cause God knows I'm a pretty fucking devoted girlfriend, and all I want to do is make other people happy, so there has to be someone out there looking out for me. Somewhere.
Obviously to say I'm completely better is a huge lie. Do I miss him? Yes, of course. Sometimes a whole lot. But I find that now it is easier to look beyond. And it is also easier to look at him and realize that he's changed, he's just changed, and that's all. And that's not really anyone's fault. That's just what happens.
"That Particular Time"
my foundation was rocked
my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old
I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time
we thought a break would be good
for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart
would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant
I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself
i am
you knew you needed more time
time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed
to fly solo and I dutified what you wanted
at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe
but I still left
at that particular time
-Alanis Morisette
Here is what happened to get my epiphany: I was laying on my bed, thinking how lonely I was, and I was imagining someone lying next to me, and us staring up at the cieling and talking. And then I realized, that person wasn't Andy. I don't know who it was, but it was the first time I didn't automatically think of him. And something in me was like "well, that's it then." Just like that. I realized there has to be someone else, someone else out there that I just haven't quite found yet, and all they want to do is make me happy. Cause God knows I'm a pretty fucking devoted girlfriend, and all I want to do is make other people happy, so there has to be someone out there looking out for me. Somewhere.
Obviously to say I'm completely better is a huge lie. Do I miss him? Yes, of course. Sometimes a whole lot. But I find that now it is easier to look beyond. And it is also easier to look at him and realize that he's changed, he's just changed, and that's all. And that's not really anyone's fault. That's just what happens.
"That Particular Time"
my foundation was rocked
my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old
I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time
we thought a break would be good
for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart
would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant
I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself
i am
you knew you needed more time
time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed
to fly solo and I dutified what you wanted
at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe
but I still left
at that particular time
-Alanis Morisette