(no subject)

[starvation]

there's this sort of pall over things
a fog or a veil over my sight or
the color
the color of the people and the landscapes
the tint of it's all wrong
and i remember the sky of my youth
and I look to the photographs
and I see the sky to day
and I know it's the same sky it's always been
and yet
and yet
and that exemplifies the larger problem
that there is a strangeness, an alien quality
and i am fundamentally removed from my surroundings
vibrated just slightly out of alignment
and I just slip off of every surface
and the memories of youth oppress me
but i let myself get entangled because they're more solid
more real
more true
and I see myself through them
and I'm impossibly still a child as a result
and adulthood seems far away
and worse, unobtainable
because the adulthood I idealize looked and felt different
the color of adulthood is wrong now
the cars and the clothes and the restaurants
I'm faking it
hiding in a strangers body
an idiot on stilts in a trench coat
and it was likely a lie
images projected into my head by television and movies
but it took root
and I want it to be true
and it isn't
and it can't be
so here I am