Snakes on a Shield!
Did you know ...
... that in the Middle Ages, a girl could alternate between being delighted at being the prize in a tournament and having flashes of modern feminism and independence?
... that in the Middle Ages, "sacked" was a commonly employed colloquialism?
... that a thug with a magic shield will risk being beheaded (or worse) for killing a prince, all so he can win a box of shiny gold and the chance to bone a hot lady?
All this and so much more (there is not very much more) in the latest episode of Merlin!
Something needs to be established before I "explain" the second episode of the BBC's awful Merlin series, namely, the events of the last episode. Eve Myles tries to kill Arthur. Merlin saves Arthur's life. Merlin's reward is to be given a place in the royal household, as Arthur's manservant. Both Merlin and Arthur are horrified by this, promising that /hilarity will ensue/. And homoerotic subtext.
The opening establishes that there's a tournament and a thuggish knight named Valiant (hee) is competing in it. And by competing, we mean cheating. And by cheating we mean, he's paid some dude to make a magical shield that spouts deadly snakes at command.
The episode quickly turns into a series of fairly unexciting medieval tournament things put on by the SCA, interspersed with Merlin as the most hilariously incompetent manservant/squire/everything ever (ha ha, he can't use a sword! ha ha, he doesn't understand armour! ha ha, his incompetence could cost Prince Arthur his life! ha ha, why the fuck doesn't Arthur have a competent servant?) and Arthur's jock!angst (thanks, Dice) because losing is not an option, especially if you have an evil king for a father (Giles isn't around much at all, really - presumably he was told there would be no witches to behead at the tournament and went off for some quiet time so Anthony Head could feel a bit better about his career).
Oh, and Merlin shockingly misuses magic (and for some reason is still living in Gaius' hovel instead of ... in the castle, near the man he's supposed to be serving) and Gwen continues to be black and more competent than Merlin (she knows everything about armour because, of course, she is the daughter of a blacksmith - alternately, she's the world's least interesting Time Lord. The opinions of the Merlin Watching Party are currently divided).
Seriously, it is boring and fairly unexciting battle after battle, like the audience can't tell that things are going to come to a head with Arthur and Valiant of the Poisonous Snake Shield, although there's a random black knight with an afro hanging about to get conveniently bitten by the shield snakes.
Merlin bumbles around, discovering Valiant's secret through sheer dumb luck (and with some help from CSI Camelot ... no, really) and after Sir Afro gets taken down, he bumbles about some more (being the least stealthy ninja ever) which is only accepted because he peeks in on Valiant /feeding mice to his shield/, which may be the only truly awesome moment of this episode.
... God, I have this episode running in the background, and at /twenty minutes/, Merlin figures out that Valiant is going to use the shield to kill Arthur in the final round of the tournament (which may or may not make sense, as Gaius is now babbling about being able to cure Sir Afro, who's just been poisoned and put in a coma, but not actually killed).
Oh, here Giles gets to do something! He randomly invites Valiant the Thug Knight to hang out in Camelot at the end of the tournament. Because, man, Camelot needs more violent bullies; Arthur just isn't kicking enough people for his father's tastes.
There is /even more unstealthy bumbling/ (God, where is a ninja when you need one) as Merlin goes to confront the shield again to chop off one of the snake heads to bring to Gaius to manufacture the blah blah blah I don't care, and now Merlin is confronting Arthur with the decapitated snake head.
God, this episode is so random and poorly plotted between the awful fight scenes. And it's not like the first episode set expectations high.
Gaius cures Sir Afro, who is promptly killed by the snakes just in time for Arthur to confront Valiant and his father with his wild accusations of magic snake shields, now without any kind of proof (except for the snake head, which impresses no one). Without proof, Giles has no reason to believe his son, and Arthur is made to look like an idiot in front of court. Merlin is almost hauled off to the dungeons again (woo!), but Valiant asks Giles to spare his life (boo!) and insults Arthur's masculinity in the process. Arthur slinks off with his tail between his legs, and, once he and Merlin are alone, flips out, leading to the glorious and very period line "You're sacking me?!" when Arthur dismisses Merlin.
Merlin also now apparently cares about Arthur's opinion of him, as a human being and servant, after an undetermined number of days in his service.
And then. /Then/. Merlin goes to the caves under the castle to speak with John Hurt the Last Bad CGI Dragon. With the /exact same talking to dragon footage/ from the first episode, with some (mostly) new dialogue dubbed in about how Merlin and Arthur are incomplete without each other. John Hurt the Last Bad CGI Dragon is pretty damn awful CGI, but apparently they could only afford two minutes of really bad CGI dragon for the entire series. We look forward to Merlin pointlessly confronting the dragon, again and again, as the series goes on, to save production costs and let them slap John Hurt's name on every episode.
After his pointless confrontation with John Hurt the Last Bad CGI Dragon, Merlin goes to mumble pig latin at a stone dog over and over again, in a montage of "Merlin completely fails at spells". Morgana has a dream of Arthur dying, and ... Merlin warns him about something they both understand. Arthur gets jock!angst all over the screen and is manfully resigned to death for the sake of his pride. I mean, duty.
No one makes out with anyone.
The morning of the tournament, there is still a stone dog in Merlin's room, and Morgana shows up in Arthur's to warn him (and by warn him, I apparently mean she says 'be careful' and doesn't explain her freaky prophecy dream). Everyone completely ignores her scene with Arthur to wonder if they're related and when we'll see some incest babies.
... The chainmail in this show makes it look like Arthur's wearing a chainmail bunnyhug before he puts his helmet on.
At the last possible minute, Merlin manages to bring the stone dog to life and runs to reveal Valiant's snake shields (no one wants to spend the time figuring out how a spell to bring stone to life will bring enchanted painted snakes to life). At the even laster possible minute, after Arthur strips out of some of his armour, Merlin casts the spell that makes the snakes come out. Valiant completely fails to cover and Arthur gets to fight some terrible CGI snakes, which he easily dispenses after Morgana throws him a sword ... from somewhere.
Arthur kills Valiant with a sword to the stomach. Everyone cheers! It is almost as good as a beheading!
There is a party, where Arthur looks /really dumb/ in a cheap gold circlet and gets very close to lucky with Morgana, only for Morgana to remember that she has been taking lessons in feminism from a time traveller, and Morgana and Arthur start bantering like the couple who hate each other but also like each other in a bad teen drama. Morgana storms out, and Merlin tries to get Arthur to buy him a drink. He doesn't get a drink, but he gets unsacked.
... Man, that episode was terrible and felt horribly filler-like, for a second episode.
Next week promises to be betterworse. There'll be a plague! And Nimue! And that scene with John Hurt the Last Bad CGI Dragon ... again!
Did I miss anything, Team Merlin Watching Party?
... that in the Middle Ages, a girl could alternate between being delighted at being the prize in a tournament and having flashes of modern feminism and independence?
... that in the Middle Ages, "sacked" was a commonly employed colloquialism?
... that a thug with a magic shield will risk being beheaded (or worse) for killing a prince, all so he can win a box of shiny gold and the chance to bone a hot lady?
All this and so much more (there is not very much more) in the latest episode of Merlin!
Something needs to be established before I "explain" the second episode of the BBC's awful Merlin series, namely, the events of the last episode. Eve Myles tries to kill Arthur. Merlin saves Arthur's life. Merlin's reward is to be given a place in the royal household, as Arthur's manservant. Both Merlin and Arthur are horrified by this, promising that /hilarity will ensue/. And homoerotic subtext.
The opening establishes that there's a tournament and a thuggish knight named Valiant (hee) is competing in it. And by competing, we mean cheating. And by cheating we mean, he's paid some dude to make a magical shield that spouts deadly snakes at command.
The episode quickly turns into a series of fairly unexciting medieval tournament things put on by the SCA, interspersed with Merlin as the most hilariously incompetent manservant/squire/everything ever (ha ha, he can't use a sword! ha ha, he doesn't understand armour! ha ha, his incompetence could cost Prince Arthur his life! ha ha, why the fuck doesn't Arthur have a competent servant?) and Arthur's jock!angst (thanks, Dice) because losing is not an option, especially if you have an evil king for a father (Giles isn't around much at all, really - presumably he was told there would be no witches to behead at the tournament and went off for some quiet time so Anthony Head could feel a bit better about his career).
Oh, and Merlin shockingly misuses magic (and for some reason is still living in Gaius' hovel instead of ... in the castle, near the man he's supposed to be serving) and Gwen continues to be black and more competent than Merlin (she knows everything about armour because, of course, she is the daughter of a blacksmith - alternately, she's the world's least interesting Time Lord. The opinions of the Merlin Watching Party are currently divided).
Seriously, it is boring and fairly unexciting battle after battle, like the audience can't tell that things are going to come to a head with Arthur and Valiant of the Poisonous Snake Shield, although there's a random black knight with an afro hanging about to get conveniently bitten by the shield snakes.
Merlin bumbles around, discovering Valiant's secret through sheer dumb luck (and with some help from CSI Camelot ... no, really) and after Sir Afro gets taken down, he bumbles about some more (being the least stealthy ninja ever) which is only accepted because he peeks in on Valiant /feeding mice to his shield/, which may be the only truly awesome moment of this episode.
... God, I have this episode running in the background, and at /twenty minutes/, Merlin figures out that Valiant is going to use the shield to kill Arthur in the final round of the tournament (which may or may not make sense, as Gaius is now babbling about being able to cure Sir Afro, who's just been poisoned and put in a coma, but not actually killed).
Oh, here Giles gets to do something! He randomly invites Valiant the Thug Knight to hang out in Camelot at the end of the tournament. Because, man, Camelot needs more violent bullies; Arthur just isn't kicking enough people for his father's tastes.
There is /even more unstealthy bumbling/ (God, where is a ninja when you need one) as Merlin goes to confront the shield again to chop off one of the snake heads to bring to Gaius to manufacture the blah blah blah I don't care, and now Merlin is confronting Arthur with the decapitated snake head.
God, this episode is so random and poorly plotted between the awful fight scenes. And it's not like the first episode set expectations high.
Gaius cures Sir Afro, who is promptly killed by the snakes just in time for Arthur to confront Valiant and his father with his wild accusations of magic snake shields, now without any kind of proof (except for the snake head, which impresses no one). Without proof, Giles has no reason to believe his son, and Arthur is made to look like an idiot in front of court. Merlin is almost hauled off to the dungeons again (woo!), but Valiant asks Giles to spare his life (boo!) and insults Arthur's masculinity in the process. Arthur slinks off with his tail between his legs, and, once he and Merlin are alone, flips out, leading to the glorious and very period line "You're sacking me?!" when Arthur dismisses Merlin.
Merlin also now apparently cares about Arthur's opinion of him, as a human being and servant, after an undetermined number of days in his service.
And then. /Then/. Merlin goes to the caves under the castle to speak with John Hurt the Last Bad CGI Dragon. With the /exact same talking to dragon footage/ from the first episode, with some (mostly) new dialogue dubbed in about how Merlin and Arthur are incomplete without each other. John Hurt the Last Bad CGI Dragon is pretty damn awful CGI, but apparently they could only afford two minutes of really bad CGI dragon for the entire series. We look forward to Merlin pointlessly confronting the dragon, again and again, as the series goes on, to save production costs and let them slap John Hurt's name on every episode.
After his pointless confrontation with John Hurt the Last Bad CGI Dragon, Merlin goes to mumble pig latin at a stone dog over and over again, in a montage of "Merlin completely fails at spells". Morgana has a dream of Arthur dying, and ... Merlin warns him about something they both understand. Arthur gets jock!angst all over the screen and is manfully resigned to death for the sake of his pride. I mean, duty.
No one makes out with anyone.
The morning of the tournament, there is still a stone dog in Merlin's room, and Morgana shows up in Arthur's to warn him (and by warn him, I apparently mean she says 'be careful' and doesn't explain her freaky prophecy dream). Everyone completely ignores her scene with Arthur to wonder if they're related and when we'll see some incest babies.
... The chainmail in this show makes it look like Arthur's wearing a chainmail bunnyhug before he puts his helmet on.
At the last possible minute, Merlin manages to bring the stone dog to life and runs to reveal Valiant's snake shields (no one wants to spend the time figuring out how a spell to bring stone to life will bring enchanted painted snakes to life). At the even laster possible minute, after Arthur strips out of some of his armour, Merlin casts the spell that makes the snakes come out. Valiant completely fails to cover and Arthur gets to fight some terrible CGI snakes, which he easily dispenses after Morgana throws him a sword ... from somewhere.
Arthur kills Valiant with a sword to the stomach. Everyone cheers! It is almost as good as a beheading!
There is a party, where Arthur looks /really dumb/ in a cheap gold circlet and gets very close to lucky with Morgana, only for Morgana to remember that she has been taking lessons in feminism from a time traveller, and Morgana and Arthur start bantering like the couple who hate each other but also like each other in a bad teen drama. Morgana storms out, and Merlin tries to get Arthur to buy him a drink. He doesn't get a drink, but he gets unsacked.
... Man, that episode was terrible and felt horribly filler-like, for a second episode.
Next week promises to be betterworse. There'll be a plague! And Nimue! And that scene with John Hurt the Last Bad CGI Dragon ... again!
Did I miss anything, Team Merlin Watching Party?