...it's been awhile...
I have never been more miserable than I am right now.
How do you tell your heart to stop loving someone who has stopped loving you? You can't. Though everything happens for a reason, you question why. Why you. Why now. Why him. You thought it would last forever. For you it just might, that love you feel may never go away, and whenever you see him it may just make your heart break all over again. Every time. So then, what is the answer? Do you run away? Do you endure the pain of wishing things were different?
I don't know the answer to these questions running through my head, but running away seems to be the easiest option. It was so much easier when he was far away to deal with my emotions, but now that he's here, he's close, every breathing day is a struggle. I thought I would marry him. I never wanted to get married. Now I probably never will. I feel inadequate, I feel unlovable. I look around me, at friends who have families, friends that are happy. I know that I can never tell from the outside how happy they really are, but I have heard the joy of children is like no other. I wish I felt I had something to live for. I am not saying that I want children anytime soon, I just wish there was something out there that I felt I was indispensable to. If something would just go right for me for once....a job, a steady income, the ability to not have to worry about money. This heartbreak has been so telling on me mentally and physically. I look older, I look tired. My skin is not what it used to be, my body is in physical pain most of the time, probably because so many times, it is difficult to pull myself from my bed. Mentally, I can't even begin to describe the way I feel. I wish the pain could all go away....
How do you tell your heart to stop loving someone who has stopped loving you? You can't. Though everything happens for a reason, you question why. Why you. Why now. Why him. You thought it would last forever. For you it just might, that love you feel may never go away, and whenever you see him it may just make your heart break all over again. Every time. So then, what is the answer? Do you run away? Do you endure the pain of wishing things were different?
I don't know the answer to these questions running through my head, but running away seems to be the easiest option. It was so much easier when he was far away to deal with my emotions, but now that he's here, he's close, every breathing day is a struggle. I thought I would marry him. I never wanted to get married. Now I probably never will. I feel inadequate, I feel unlovable. I look around me, at friends who have families, friends that are happy. I know that I can never tell from the outside how happy they really are, but I have heard the joy of children is like no other. I wish I felt I had something to live for. I am not saying that I want children anytime soon, I just wish there was something out there that I felt I was indispensable to. If something would just go right for me for once....a job, a steady income, the ability to not have to worry about money. This heartbreak has been so telling on me mentally and physically. I look older, I look tired. My skin is not what it used to be, my body is in physical pain most of the time, probably because so many times, it is difficult to pull myself from my bed. Mentally, I can't even begin to describe the way I feel. I wish the pain could all go away....