what do I see
[today's food:
1/2 cup fiber one cereal w/ 1/2 cup skim milk and banana
1 serving oatmeal w/ half apple]
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I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know what I've become. My last post was so gung-ho about getting out of this. but as the day progressed, the more I realized how clingy and dependent I've become to this disorder.. disease.. whatever it is. My fall schedule got fucked up somehow and when I couldn't figure out what I was going to do and how to fix it, I threw a terrible fit and cried for an hour. I yelled at my own mother for trying to help me. all because I'm so miserable, full of self-loathing and irritability.
I had planned to eat tonight, as a first step to escaping this black hole, but like all black holes do, it pulled me back already. Hey Adriel, get pissed or frustrated? just don't eat, that'll give you some control!It'll fix everything. or at least one thing.
but before that happened even, I got out of the house today for the first time in an entire week (I think). My sister wanted me to go with her to look at wedding dresses and wedding cake possibilities (she's getting married in March). We were looking at all the magnificent wedding cake designs and examples at the shop, and out of nowhere I fell down and just started crying right there in the middle of the store. I'm sure I embarrassed the shit out of her. she took me to the bathroom, "what's wrong? what's wrong?" How do I explain to her that I don't know if I'll live to see her in her beautiful dress getting married? How do I tell her how if I do, I won't be able to taste the cake I'm helping design? How do I get the words out to let her know how much I am suffering, without feeling guilty that I'm ruining this special experience in her life (picking out things for her wedding). So I said "I'm sorry, I just don't feel very well right now. Can we go home"
However, even if I'm not eating tonight (I tried, I really did), I e-mailed a local center around here and called them to leave a message in hopes of getting some more information and someone to talk to. I'll update here when I hear anything back.
thank you for all your positive comments and immense support. xox
1/2 cup fiber one cereal w/ 1/2 cup skim milk and banana
1 serving oatmeal w/ half apple]
----
I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know what I've become. My last post was so gung-ho about getting out of this. but as the day progressed, the more I realized how clingy and dependent I've become to this disorder.. disease.. whatever it is. My fall schedule got fucked up somehow and when I couldn't figure out what I was going to do and how to fix it, I threw a terrible fit and cried for an hour. I yelled at my own mother for trying to help me. all because I'm so miserable, full of self-loathing and irritability.
I had planned to eat tonight, as a first step to escaping this black hole, but like all black holes do, it pulled me back already. Hey Adriel, get pissed or frustrated? just don't eat, that'll give you some control!It'll fix everything. or at least one thing.
but before that happened even, I got out of the house today for the first time in an entire week (I think). My sister wanted me to go with her to look at wedding dresses and wedding cake possibilities (she's getting married in March). We were looking at all the magnificent wedding cake designs and examples at the shop, and out of nowhere I fell down and just started crying right there in the middle of the store. I'm sure I embarrassed the shit out of her. she took me to the bathroom, "what's wrong? what's wrong?" How do I explain to her that I don't know if I'll live to see her in her beautiful dress getting married? How do I tell her how if I do, I won't be able to taste the cake I'm helping design? How do I get the words out to let her know how much I am suffering, without feeling guilty that I'm ruining this special experience in her life (picking out things for her wedding). So I said "I'm sorry, I just don't feel very well right now. Can we go home"
However, even if I'm not eating tonight (I tried, I really did), I e-mailed a local center around here and called them to leave a message in hopes of getting some more information and someone to talk to. I'll update here when I hear anything back.
thank you for all your positive comments and immense support. xox