"I keep hearing Mission Impossible and mistaking it for my ring tone."
Well, so far I've had hair antics, burst into tears, and had one of those HNGH moments.
But s'all good, s'all good.
ANYWAY. Some of you may remember the Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's pimp post I did forever ago. I've decided in order for you all to join me on the "Why do I watch this show god I hate everything o PlaBeedo no QUETZALCOATL IS NOT PERUVIAN DOES THAT CLOWN HAVE A FAMILY CARD GAMES CARD GAMES CARD GAMES" boat, I actually have to show you some of the quality episodes!
... I am also not even starting with episodes in the first season because I love you.
So, skipping 93 episodes because seriously, go watch them yourselves, here is Kia's rendition of episode 94! Screencaps were done by immicolia, and they are incredible.
Like all good shows about a children's card game, we begin with a-- cemetery. But don't worry, we've got stuff like BACKSTORY starting right now!
"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I OFFER TO MILK MRS. O'LEARY'S COW OH WHAT A WORLD WHAT A WORLD"
"PEARSOOOOON HOLD ON I'LL JUST LIFT THIS BEAM"
"... No, Crow, it's too late for me. Never mind that in the time that we're having this conversation about me burning to death, you really could lift this beam. Or, you know, you'd think that more people would see this place burning, but oh well. Good-bye, cruel world!"
"... No, really, it'd just take a few minutes--"
"OH THE SMOKE INHALATION. Here, let me give up entirely on the thought of living and give you my deck of trading cards. Oh, and my motorcycle."
"... Are you fucking serious."
"BOY I SURE HOPE THE SIGHT OF ME BURNING IN A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH BEFORE YOUR EYES WON'T SCAR YOU FOR LIFE OR ANYTHING I MEAN REALLY WHAT'S SO TRAUMATIC ABOUT YOUR MENTOR BURNING IN A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH BEFORE YOUR EYES *HACKHACKEXPIRE*"
... Do I really need to caption this. Do I really.
"... Thank you, cavalry, I could have used you HOURS AGO."
"I'm sorry, Crow, I was perfecting my mohawk and coincidentally missed Pearson being incinerated. Happens to the best of us, right?"
Fastforwarding to the present, in LA CASA DE GREASE MONKEY, Bruno is either pondering the deepest intricacies of cyberspace or looking at physics-defying porn.
Quite possibly both.
Yusei joining in doesn't make it any easier to figure out. Except now Crow's D-Wheel is involved and PMSing, which means this can't possibly end well.
"HEY GUYS I'M BACK--"
"Wait, is that my motorcycle-- ARE YOU UNZIPPING YOUR PANTS"
Crow vents his rage by impersonating Gumby.
Then tries to distract them by emulating some of those sexy positions Bruno was derping over earlier.
... I mean really, check out that flexibility. That passion.
Too bad Yusei and Bruno aren't noticing at all.
"BABY SPEAK TO ME DID THEY HURT YOU"
Bruno and Yusei go all mad scientist/grease monkey/married couple on him, leaving Crow to wonder why he leaves anything shiny and metallic remotely near them.
He would also like Bruno to zip up his pants.
HERE COME THE COPPERS, Smurfette and Don Quixote.
And this is why we knock first.
"... I hate my job."
Turns out Security's investigating a THREE-YEAR-OLD case, where they think Pearson dying wasn't an accident. Because - really, of course this makes sense, I mean hahaha - he was killed by a trading card.
When did this become Detective Conan?
also how the hell did they know which card killed him IF NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE AND SHIT KIND OF BURNED TO THE GROUND
Crow has a "You mean he was dueling somebody?!" moment and imagines it, and wait--
Isn't that mohawk guy-- oh my god is that the Count's distant relative
"Are you seriously telling me I'm about to get murdered by a scrap of PAPER?"
... Yeeeep, that looks like murdering to me! (Look, kids! BLOOD!)
And so where is mohawk guy now?
Trading children's trading cards with a Chinese man, obviously!
... IN A STRIP CLUB. if 4Kids leaves this in, I will be very surprised
Crow goes for bromance, and finds them being conquered by children-- except Yusei, who has taught his to grovel like a good little pet.
"Now, if you call me 'Master', I'll give you this nice shiny card! Do you want that? Snookums does, doesn't he?"
"YUSEIIIIIIIIIIII THEY'RE TOUCHING MEEEEEEEEEEEE THEY NEVER COVERED THIS IN KINGSHIP AND POMPOUS BASTARD 101"
Ignoring this, Crow starts Flashback # Who-Even-Knows-But-There-Will-Be-More-I'm Sure.
Once upon a time, Crow had a long-lost reunion with a puddle.
Men on bikes to the rescue!
We're Men
We're Men on Bikes
We run around Satellite
Winning our fights
We're Men
We're Men on Bikes
We defeat the bad and wear cool helmets
THAT'S RIGHT!
You maaaaaay think we're fabulous
But that better not mean gay or else we'll punch out your lights--
... I mean. Yes, Pearson and Bolger. Known affectionately to each other as Piercing and Booger.
They also like to pretend they're Pokemon masters from time to time.
... Or Sailor Moon, they're not picky.
Crow is appropriately horrified awed.
I mean, if I saw Satan Scorpion's lovechild with Vile Vulture in front me, I'd be properly horrified awed too.
Anyway, the Men on Bikes and Crow start working together to teach children how to make weapons-- I mean, dueling devices.
"HEY BOLGER IS THIS SHARP ENOUGH OR SHOULD I TEST IT ON YOUR CROTCH--"
"NO WE'RE GOOD"
But then Pearson kicked the bucket and the child labor got out and Crow got to deal with all sorts of things like jail.
"And that's why my life sucks."
"..."
"......."
"... Hey kids, what do you think of child labor?"
"WE LOVE IT, MASTER."
"See, look, they've never been happier."
And then we remember to get back to the plot.
After Crow has some bonding with his baby.
And Yusei has some bonding with Jack's crotch, which will later be written about in graphic detail by a fangirl, I have no doubt.
But now we get to see Jack romance his coffee. there's plot here I swear
"Um, so I totally dig hot blond former celebrities, so why don't we go on a date--"
"There is no Jack Atlas in date, therefore it sucks and you suck."
And then Crow stole his bike.
"RAPSCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOON"
This is totally irrelevant except that I too have a drim of enjoying good gob after a nice workout at Siver's Gym, because that's a GOOD CHOICE. Plot-wise, Crow is heading to talk to Bolger about cards that kill people.
"Okay, this may be Jack's bike, but I can just pretend to be an ass and it'll work great! They'll never know I'm not him!"
"Okay, Crow, here we go. Get your game face on."
"THERE IS NO JACK ATLAS IN D-WHEEL DEALERSHIPS THEREFORE THEY SUCK AND YOU SUCK."
And then he was arrested.
"Hell yeah, that TOTALLY worked-- wait."
Luckily for Crow, Bolger comes along and tries to get him drunk, but that doesn't work, so they have happy times reminiscing about the fun adventures of Piercing and Booger.
"Oh by the way, in my imagination, the guy who used this card to kill Pearson looks just like you! Hahaha, isn't that a hoot?"
"... Crow, if I seduce you right now, will that work in getting you to forget about it?"
"... No."
Crow is becoming suspicious, and corners Bolger.
"I-I-I--!"
"I NEVER ENJOYED BEING CALLED BOOGER AND I WANT A CARD FROM YOU THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAVE."
"I mean, SURE, Piercing is a nice pet name, but who the hell affectionately calls someone after NASAL EXCREMENT, IT ALWAYS RUINED THE MOOD BY THE WAY WE SHOULD PLAY CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES OR I WON'T TELL YOU WHO THE MURDERER IS EVEN THOUGH IT'S BLATANTLY OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD THAT I OFFED HIM."
"... I'm going home."
But they decided to duel anyway because that is what you do in this show.
"I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS, CROW."
"You look remarkably gay."
"Excuse me what, you just haven't seen my helmet. Ladies loooove the helmet."
This is the moment I questioned why I watch this show.
Oh, right. So Crow can get damaged by a pair of gigantic chopsticks-- wait.
"CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW IF YOU DIE I AM TAKING ALL OF YOUR EARNINGS AND SPENDING IT ON COFFEE AND THEN I'LL DRINK IT ON YOUR GRAVE."
Yusei would be supportive, but Jack is blocking his view.
Will Bolger admit he killed his beloved? Will Yusei ever be able to see the match? Will Bruno tear himself away from the computer screen? Will Crow manage to keep from crashing for once? WILL THIS SERIES EVER MAKE SENSE?
... The answer to the last one is no, but STAY TUNED.
And this is why I'm going to hell.
But s'all good, s'all good.
ANYWAY. Some of you may remember the Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's pimp post I did forever ago. I've decided in order for you all to join me on the "Why do I watch this show god I hate everything o PlaBeedo no QUETZALCOATL IS NOT PERUVIAN DOES THAT CLOWN HAVE A FAMILY CARD GAMES CARD GAMES CARD GAMES" boat, I actually have to show you some of the quality episodes!
... I am also not even starting with episodes in the first season because I love you.
So, skipping 93 episodes because seriously, go watch them yourselves, here is Kia's rendition of episode 94! Screencaps were done by immicolia, and they are incredible.
Like all good shows about a children's card game, we begin with a-- cemetery. But don't worry, we've got stuff like BACKSTORY starting right now!
"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I OFFER TO MILK MRS. O'LEARY'S COW OH WHAT A WORLD WHAT A WORLD"
"PEARSOOOOON HOLD ON I'LL JUST LIFT THIS BEAM"
"... No, Crow, it's too late for me. Never mind that in the time that we're having this conversation about me burning to death, you really could lift this beam. Or, you know, you'd think that more people would see this place burning, but oh well. Good-bye, cruel world!"
"... No, really, it'd just take a few minutes--"
"OH THE SMOKE INHALATION. Here, let me give up entirely on the thought of living and give you my deck of trading cards. Oh, and my motorcycle."
"... Are you fucking serious."
"BOY I SURE HOPE THE SIGHT OF ME BURNING IN A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH BEFORE YOUR EYES WON'T SCAR YOU FOR LIFE OR ANYTHING I MEAN REALLY WHAT'S SO TRAUMATIC ABOUT YOUR MENTOR BURNING IN A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH BEFORE YOUR EYES *HACKHACKEXPIRE*"
... Do I really need to caption this. Do I really.
"... Thank you, cavalry, I could have used you HOURS AGO."
"I'm sorry, Crow, I was perfecting my mohawk and coincidentally missed Pearson being incinerated. Happens to the best of us, right?"
Fastforwarding to the present, in LA CASA DE GREASE MONKEY, Bruno is either pondering the deepest intricacies of cyberspace or looking at physics-defying porn.
Quite possibly both.
Yusei joining in doesn't make it any easier to figure out. Except now Crow's D-Wheel is involved and PMSing, which means this can't possibly end well.
"HEY GUYS I'M BACK--"
"Wait, is that my motorcycle-- ARE YOU UNZIPPING YOUR PANTS"
Crow vents his rage by impersonating Gumby.
Then tries to distract them by emulating some of those sexy positions Bruno was derping over earlier.
... I mean really, check out that flexibility. That passion.
Too bad Yusei and Bruno aren't noticing at all.
"BABY SPEAK TO ME DID THEY HURT YOU"
Bruno and Yusei go all mad scientist/grease monkey/married couple on him, leaving Crow to wonder why he leaves anything shiny and metallic remotely near them.
He would also like Bruno to zip up his pants.
HERE COME THE COPPERS, Smurfette and Don Quixote.
And this is why we knock first.
"... I hate my job."
Turns out Security's investigating a THREE-YEAR-OLD case, where they think Pearson dying wasn't an accident. Because - really, of course this makes sense, I mean hahaha - he was killed by a trading card.
When did this become Detective Conan?
also how the hell did they know which card killed him IF NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE AND SHIT KIND OF BURNED TO THE GROUND
Crow has a "You mean he was dueling somebody?!" moment and imagines it, and wait--
Isn't that mohawk guy-- oh my god is that the Count's distant relative
"Are you seriously telling me I'm about to get murdered by a scrap of PAPER?"
... Yeeeep, that looks like murdering to me! (Look, kids! BLOOD!)
And so where is mohawk guy now?
Trading children's trading cards with a Chinese man, obviously!
... IN A STRIP CLUB. if 4Kids leaves this in, I will be very surprised
Crow goes for bromance, and finds them being conquered by children-- except Yusei, who has taught his to grovel like a good little pet.
"Now, if you call me 'Master', I'll give you this nice shiny card! Do you want that? Snookums does, doesn't he?"
"YUSEIIIIIIIIIIII THEY'RE TOUCHING MEEEEEEEEEEEE THEY NEVER COVERED THIS IN KINGSHIP AND POMPOUS BASTARD 101"
Ignoring this, Crow starts Flashback # Who-Even-Knows-But-There-Will-Be-More-I'm Sure.
Once upon a time, Crow had a long-lost reunion with a puddle.
Men on bikes to the rescue!
We're Men
We're Men on Bikes
We run around Satellite
Winning our fights
We're Men
We're Men on Bikes
We defeat the bad and wear cool helmets
THAT'S RIGHT!
You maaaaaay think we're fabulous
But that better not mean gay or else we'll punch out your lights--
... I mean. Yes, Pearson and Bolger. Known affectionately to each other as Piercing and Booger.
They also like to pretend they're Pokemon masters from time to time.
... Or Sailor Moon, they're not picky.
Crow is appropriately horrified awed.
I mean, if I saw Satan Scorpion's lovechild with Vile Vulture in front me, I'd be properly horrified awed too.
Anyway, the Men on Bikes and Crow start working together to teach children how to make weapons-- I mean, dueling devices.
"HEY BOLGER IS THIS SHARP ENOUGH OR SHOULD I TEST IT ON YOUR CROTCH--"
"NO WE'RE GOOD"
But then Pearson kicked the bucket and the child labor got out and Crow got to deal with all sorts of things like jail.
"And that's why my life sucks."
"..."
"......."
"... Hey kids, what do you think of child labor?"
"WE LOVE IT, MASTER."
"See, look, they've never been happier."
And then we remember to get back to the plot.
After Crow has some bonding with his baby.
And Yusei has some bonding with Jack's crotch, which will later be written about in graphic detail by a fangirl, I have no doubt.
But now we get to see Jack romance his coffee. there's plot here I swear
"Um, so I totally dig hot blond former celebrities, so why don't we go on a date--"
"There is no Jack Atlas in date, therefore it sucks and you suck."
And then Crow stole his bike.
"RAPSCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOON"
This is totally irrelevant except that I too have a drim of enjoying good gob after a nice workout at Siver's Gym, because that's a GOOD CHOICE. Plot-wise, Crow is heading to talk to Bolger about cards that kill people.
"Okay, this may be Jack's bike, but I can just pretend to be an ass and it'll work great! They'll never know I'm not him!"
"Okay, Crow, here we go. Get your game face on."
"THERE IS NO JACK ATLAS IN D-WHEEL DEALERSHIPS THEREFORE THEY SUCK AND YOU SUCK."
And then he was arrested.
"Hell yeah, that TOTALLY worked-- wait."
Luckily for Crow, Bolger comes along and tries to get him drunk, but that doesn't work, so they have happy times reminiscing about the fun adventures of Piercing and Booger.
"Oh by the way, in my imagination, the guy who used this card to kill Pearson looks just like you! Hahaha, isn't that a hoot?"
"... Crow, if I seduce you right now, will that work in getting you to forget about it?"
"... No."
Crow is becoming suspicious, and corners Bolger.
"I-I-I--!"
"I NEVER ENJOYED BEING CALLED BOOGER AND I WANT A CARD FROM YOU THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAVE."
"I mean, SURE, Piercing is a nice pet name, but who the hell affectionately calls someone after NASAL EXCREMENT, IT ALWAYS RUINED THE MOOD BY THE WAY WE SHOULD PLAY CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES OR I WON'T TELL YOU WHO THE MURDERER IS EVEN THOUGH IT'S BLATANTLY OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD THAT I OFFED HIM."
"... I'm going home."
But they decided to duel anyway because that is what you do in this show.
"I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS, CROW."
"You look remarkably gay."
"Excuse me what, you just haven't seen my helmet. Ladies loooove the helmet."
This is the moment I questioned why I watch this show.
Oh, right. So Crow can get damaged by a pair of gigantic chopsticks-- wait.
"CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW IF YOU DIE I AM TAKING ALL OF YOUR EARNINGS AND SPENDING IT ON COFFEE AND THEN I'LL DRINK IT ON YOUR GRAVE."
Yusei would be supportive, but Jack is blocking his view.
Will Bolger admit he killed his beloved? Will Yusei ever be able to see the match? Will Bruno tear himself away from the computer screen? Will Crow manage to keep from crashing for once? WILL THIS SERIES EVER MAKE SENSE?
... The answer to the last one is no, but STAY TUNED.
And this is why I'm going to hell.