....Half dead wasn't what I planned to be
While I was working again today. I kept thinking to myself....why cant they have a thing that records what your thoughts say. I was thinking some pretty deep shit and I wish I could have wrote it down. It was thundering and It was raining and I was just in that mood. I wanted to write. But I do somewhat know what I want to write about. And I think I really have been avoiding it publicly for quite sometime. Going public about what happened with me and Matt and why I feel like I do and what is wrong with me?
After seeing Matt's mom yesterday at BJS and after a long talk with Desh...It just really made me think. Yes people move on but why does their memory linger around you? All the demo ladies ask me how matt is in Iraq and if i miss him and its just easier to go along with it than tell them that Im no longer with him. Sometimes I get that feeling that feeling i'm so happy to not be with him but the imprint of him is there and I don't like it. He never really supported anything I wanted to do and now I'm glad that I can be me and not be dead. Im glad I get to be myself and not be put down every second of it.
Though the feeling and emotion is there on my end. after being with someone for 4 years.. they truly become a part of your family. and Its awkward that four years of my life was spent with his and now I never will see them again. Not that i'm sad, but its just odd. its odd how things go and cycles they go in. I don't want to write up a whole chapter on what we did and how it started and why i stayed and why i left. my book ends here. I don't feel there is any need to write in depth about particular people any more. I just don't care. ugh I cant even put what I want to say in words. I guess I just want people to know that Im not a heartless bitch and that yea i was with someone who i cared about for 4 years. and when you spend that much time with someone you really learn who they are and some times realize things that were meant to be seen. I am not meant to be with him. and I learned alot about myself after going through that relationship that I may have not learned if I didn't. I wish him the best of luck in what he wants to do and I hope he finds the right person to make his own and for him to start a family with.
As for me, I just want to live life. Have fun and do what I want to do. I have nothing holding me down anymore. Ideally there is plenty i want to do and i feel like when im at work i really want to do them but then when i get home I just don't I come here and sit on my computer and type to you. I just need things out of my head. and cleared away. And once they are clear...blahh
Well this was pointless thanks for reading if you did as I sorted out my thoughts didnt even get to where i wanted with this untill my next attempt. Here was nothing =(
After seeing Matt's mom yesterday at BJS and after a long talk with Desh...It just really made me think. Yes people move on but why does their memory linger around you? All the demo ladies ask me how matt is in Iraq and if i miss him and its just easier to go along with it than tell them that Im no longer with him. Sometimes I get that feeling that feeling i'm so happy to not be with him but the imprint of him is there and I don't like it. He never really supported anything I wanted to do and now I'm glad that I can be me and not be dead. Im glad I get to be myself and not be put down every second of it.
Though the feeling and emotion is there on my end. after being with someone for 4 years.. they truly become a part of your family. and Its awkward that four years of my life was spent with his and now I never will see them again. Not that i'm sad, but its just odd. its odd how things go and cycles they go in. I don't want to write up a whole chapter on what we did and how it started and why i stayed and why i left. my book ends here. I don't feel there is any need to write in depth about particular people any more. I just don't care. ugh I cant even put what I want to say in words. I guess I just want people to know that Im not a heartless bitch and that yea i was with someone who i cared about for 4 years. and when you spend that much time with someone you really learn who they are and some times realize things that were meant to be seen. I am not meant to be with him. and I learned alot about myself after going through that relationship that I may have not learned if I didn't. I wish him the best of luck in what he wants to do and I hope he finds the right person to make his own and for him to start a family with.
As for me, I just want to live life. Have fun and do what I want to do. I have nothing holding me down anymore. Ideally there is plenty i want to do and i feel like when im at work i really want to do them but then when i get home I just don't I come here and sit on my computer and type to you. I just need things out of my head. and cleared away. And once they are clear...blahh
Well this was pointless thanks for reading if you did as I sorted out my thoughts didnt even get to where i wanted with this untill my next attempt. Here was nothing =(