it is finally starting to sink in...
I feel a strange calmness within myself today. It feels like my world has been continuely turned upside down as of late, partially of my own choosing and partially because of the actions and decisions of others. But today... today has been okay.
Yesterday I experienced quite a range of emotions. Happiness, anger, resentment, sadness, optimism, rage, despair, acceptance... the list goes on and on. I guess each new experience is bound to bring around many different types of feelings. It just gets hard when they decide to hit you all at once. But it's all good... I have survived it as I have survived much else in my life. Especially my recent life.
(sigh) I really wish things could have happened differently. I really do. I cared so much... maybe it was too much... maybe it wasn't my fault at all. I'd say the latter is probably at least partially true. Part of me feels like maybe I deserved it in some strange way... I can think of maybe a few who might get a good chuckle out of all of this, despite the hurt it's caused me. Or maybe that's not true at all. I know I have a good friend base and a lot of people who care about me. But sometimes that can seem insubstantial when the one person you claim as your best friend doesn't care, or won't, or can't.
(sigh)... It's a wound that is still sore, but is slowly and surely starting to heal. My life is not going to end because of this. But because it was my choice, it makes it hard to move on from it right away, just for the sheer fact that things, indeed, did end quite abruptly. But I will try, and I will learn what I can from it. I learn more and more about the world every day and this is one of the uglier aspects I've had to learn about people and friendships. But I will take what I can from it.
i enjoyed the times i had with him as a best friend, and where i do not feel quite at peace with the way things ended, i know it is probably for the best.
we were both growing, and going our seperate ways....
yes courtney, reality check, you know this is for the best.
so thank you for those times that i will always hold dear to my heart, for all the laughs, and memories. i know you think that i don't care, that i ran away, that is not the case. and i just want you to know that. once again, thank you matt.
and to those who have been and continue to be supportive, thank you. Your love and patience keeps me together and keeps me going. I don't know what I would do without good friends, and the love of a sweet, sweet girl. thank you for catching my tears, listening to me complain, and helping me move my furniture. i adore you all more than you shall ever know.
<3
Yesterday I experienced quite a range of emotions. Happiness, anger, resentment, sadness, optimism, rage, despair, acceptance... the list goes on and on. I guess each new experience is bound to bring around many different types of feelings. It just gets hard when they decide to hit you all at once. But it's all good... I have survived it as I have survived much else in my life. Especially my recent life.
(sigh) I really wish things could have happened differently. I really do. I cared so much... maybe it was too much... maybe it wasn't my fault at all. I'd say the latter is probably at least partially true. Part of me feels like maybe I deserved it in some strange way... I can think of maybe a few who might get a good chuckle out of all of this, despite the hurt it's caused me. Or maybe that's not true at all. I know I have a good friend base and a lot of people who care about me. But sometimes that can seem insubstantial when the one person you claim as your best friend doesn't care, or won't, or can't.
(sigh)... It's a wound that is still sore, but is slowly and surely starting to heal. My life is not going to end because of this. But because it was my choice, it makes it hard to move on from it right away, just for the sheer fact that things, indeed, did end quite abruptly. But I will try, and I will learn what I can from it. I learn more and more about the world every day and this is one of the uglier aspects I've had to learn about people and friendships. But I will take what I can from it.
i enjoyed the times i had with him as a best friend, and where i do not feel quite at peace with the way things ended, i know it is probably for the best.
we were both growing, and going our seperate ways....
yes courtney, reality check, you know this is for the best.
so thank you for those times that i will always hold dear to my heart, for all the laughs, and memories. i know you think that i don't care, that i ran away, that is not the case. and i just want you to know that. once again, thank you matt.
and to those who have been and continue to be supportive, thank you. Your love and patience keeps me together and keeps me going. I don't know what I would do without good friends, and the love of a sweet, sweet girl. thank you for catching my tears, listening to me complain, and helping me move my furniture. i adore you all more than you shall ever know.
<3