Writer's Block: Remembering mom
So I'm a couple of days late answering this one. But since this past Sunday was the first Mother's Day after mom passed, I'm allowed a few days to contemplate I would think. I have so many memories, most of them fresh. The most recent one that I think of often was how proud of me she looked and acted, despite the cancer being so far progressed, when I told her I had successfully enrolled in college to work towards an Associates in Science, Medical Assisting. I guess she knew that I needed a change after having to care for her in the state she was in...worse than most of the patients I'd ever cared for with a home health company.
Except maybe for the one gentleman that I asked to be pulled from the case due to the neglect his wife was committing and the agency not wanting to put a total stop to it. I griped about the nutrition she provided, the lack of successfully administering meds, and the lack of hygiene she allowed us to provide...she just didn't like having younger women taking care of her hubby, but she herself needed us to care for her. I just couldn't handle getting bitched out for wanting him to have quality care. He died a couple of weeks after I transferred to a different patient, which made me wonder if my perseverance suddenly stopping had anything to do with his rapid demise. I was discouraged from such thought, and told that it was my passion for the job, and those who also had it, that kept most patients going and getting the best care. I was told I could make it in the RN program. I was also treated like shit and paid far less than I should have been getting. Mom kept telling me the whole time that I was special, and they were at least right in that I could make it to RN. She never made me think for an instant that I was stupid or incompetant.
Until she became ill and it got close to the end. I got basically fired, after leaving 2 different jobs to have more time for her. I think what it was, she wasn't comfortable with me helping her do things she normally had no trouble doing because she was confined to the bed and only got up every other day or so, or to use the potty. I remember on my birthday, the day before she died, the nurse wanted her to go to the hospital and she told her that she knew what would happen if she stayed home, but she couldn't handle anymore doctors and needles and fluid pills. She said she would rather be here at home than in some cold, unfamiliar building with a bunch of people she didn't know. That it was my birthday and she wanted to eat as much cake as she could handle, and tell me a few things. What she told me was that she loved me, she knew I would make it through college this time as long as I took it easy. She said she didn't think I had done a bad job caring for her, but admitted that she wasn't totally comfortable with me having to do it because she could see the pain in my eyes. She told me to try to hang on to Honey because he was a good man with a good sense of ethics and that she felt he would eventually outgrow the questioning phase if I could manage to bear with him as much as possible and try to make him cheer up some.
Then I went out to dinner with him, we spent some time together, and he left after bringing me home. Terry was staying up until about 4, which he said he'd wake me up and I'd stay up with her, then when I needed to get some more sleep I was to wake him. Well, I stayed up with her until almost 10, woke him up and went back to bed. I woke up a little before 2pm to Terry telling me to get the BP cuff and hurry up. I watched my mom die as the woman from the rescue squad tried to get a reading. They wouldn't let me close enough to hold her other hand, and I was infuriated by that. I had held it during the night at one point when she was crying out in pain. I should have been holding it when she gasped that last breath.
This isn't doing anything but causing me even more insomnia. I think maybe I should briefly describe a happier memory. I recall on her 49th birthday, I had been saving more money than I spent out in bills. I splurged on her and took her out for lunch, then presented her with some beautiful ruby and gold jewelry--a bracelet with 3 rubies and 4 diamonds, a necklace with a similar pattern and a dangling faceted ruby, and earrings to match the necklace. She was so happy to get them, she practically glowed as I helped her with the clasp on the necklace. After a great lunch, we were both in good spirits and had over an hour before we had to be home so I took her to Cato's and told her to pick out 2 outfits, plus shoes and purse if she needed and some costume jewelry. She did, too...spent almost $100 but I didn't care. I was making her happy. She got to pick where we went, and she ordered herself a steak and baked potato with a trip to the salad bar. Then I asked if she'd rather go to Cato's or Peebles, and she chose Cato's, said she could get more stuff there. She said it was the best birthday ever. Well, she didn't know that I had taken the girls shopping to get her presents, too. When we got home and all, I prepared dinner for everyone, including baking her carrot cake. When Terry got home, we had dinner, cake & ice cream, and opened presents. The girls had each chose an outfit plus a dress from Roses. Terry had expressed wanting to get her some earrings, so I had told him to pick out 3 or 4 pair, I'd help him, he could give me what he could and I'd take care of the rest. We basically went in halves on a couple of pairs of $20 earrings and a pair for $45. I also got a card for him to give her, picked out the gift bags to put her things in, and basically organized the whole thing. She was glowing for several days after she opened all of this, and thanked me a bunch of times because she knew I had a helping hand in all the gifts--she just didn't know how much money I spent. I had saved up $600 to use, and I used all but a full tank of gas and a meal for Honey and I later on in the week.
Except maybe for the one gentleman that I asked to be pulled from the case due to the neglect his wife was committing and the agency not wanting to put a total stop to it. I griped about the nutrition she provided, the lack of successfully administering meds, and the lack of hygiene she allowed us to provide...she just didn't like having younger women taking care of her hubby, but she herself needed us to care for her. I just couldn't handle getting bitched out for wanting him to have quality care. He died a couple of weeks after I transferred to a different patient, which made me wonder if my perseverance suddenly stopping had anything to do with his rapid demise. I was discouraged from such thought, and told that it was my passion for the job, and those who also had it, that kept most patients going and getting the best care. I was told I could make it in the RN program. I was also treated like shit and paid far less than I should have been getting. Mom kept telling me the whole time that I was special, and they were at least right in that I could make it to RN. She never made me think for an instant that I was stupid or incompetant.
Until she became ill and it got close to the end. I got basically fired, after leaving 2 different jobs to have more time for her. I think what it was, she wasn't comfortable with me helping her do things she normally had no trouble doing because she was confined to the bed and only got up every other day or so, or to use the potty. I remember on my birthday, the day before she died, the nurse wanted her to go to the hospital and she told her that she knew what would happen if she stayed home, but she couldn't handle anymore doctors and needles and fluid pills. She said she would rather be here at home than in some cold, unfamiliar building with a bunch of people she didn't know. That it was my birthday and she wanted to eat as much cake as she could handle, and tell me a few things. What she told me was that she loved me, she knew I would make it through college this time as long as I took it easy. She said she didn't think I had done a bad job caring for her, but admitted that she wasn't totally comfortable with me having to do it because she could see the pain in my eyes. She told me to try to hang on to Honey because he was a good man with a good sense of ethics and that she felt he would eventually outgrow the questioning phase if I could manage to bear with him as much as possible and try to make him cheer up some.
Then I went out to dinner with him, we spent some time together, and he left after bringing me home. Terry was staying up until about 4, which he said he'd wake me up and I'd stay up with her, then when I needed to get some more sleep I was to wake him. Well, I stayed up with her until almost 10, woke him up and went back to bed. I woke up a little before 2pm to Terry telling me to get the BP cuff and hurry up. I watched my mom die as the woman from the rescue squad tried to get a reading. They wouldn't let me close enough to hold her other hand, and I was infuriated by that. I had held it during the night at one point when she was crying out in pain. I should have been holding it when she gasped that last breath.
This isn't doing anything but causing me even more insomnia. I think maybe I should briefly describe a happier memory. I recall on her 49th birthday, I had been saving more money than I spent out in bills. I splurged on her and took her out for lunch, then presented her with some beautiful ruby and gold jewelry--a bracelet with 3 rubies and 4 diamonds, a necklace with a similar pattern and a dangling faceted ruby, and earrings to match the necklace. She was so happy to get them, she practically glowed as I helped her with the clasp on the necklace. After a great lunch, we were both in good spirits and had over an hour before we had to be home so I took her to Cato's and told her to pick out 2 outfits, plus shoes and purse if she needed and some costume jewelry. She did, too...spent almost $100 but I didn't care. I was making her happy. She got to pick where we went, and she ordered herself a steak and baked potato with a trip to the salad bar. Then I asked if she'd rather go to Cato's or Peebles, and she chose Cato's, said she could get more stuff there. She said it was the best birthday ever. Well, she didn't know that I had taken the girls shopping to get her presents, too. When we got home and all, I prepared dinner for everyone, including baking her carrot cake. When Terry got home, we had dinner, cake & ice cream, and opened presents. The girls had each chose an outfit plus a dress from Roses. Terry had expressed wanting to get her some earrings, so I had told him to pick out 3 or 4 pair, I'd help him, he could give me what he could and I'd take care of the rest. We basically went in halves on a couple of pairs of $20 earrings and a pair for $45. I also got a card for him to give her, picked out the gift bags to put her things in, and basically organized the whole thing. She was glowing for several days after she opened all of this, and thanked me a bunch of times because she knew I had a helping hand in all the gifts--she just didn't know how much money I spent. I had saved up $600 to use, and I used all but a full tank of gas and a meal for Honey and I later on in the week.