early morning musings
Wow I was still going out with Ollie at the last post...well we broke up November 8th got bk together New Years Eve n broke up again 23rd January and it's been weird ever since... Ollie told me the other day that he still has feelings for me,(I don't know if to believe him and should it make a difference to me) and like I don't want to even have to think about him, I wish I could just cut him out of me, but it's like hes stuck on like a cut, ugly and painful and you just want it to go away and you wish you hadn't been so stupid but it's there and it's gonna scar n you stuck with it forever. And anyway it's been a long ass time since I've posted anything and I shoudl be doing my coursework but I can't concentrate when I've got all this crap floating around in my head, the voices will not shuttup and I want to scream as my fone refuses to connect to the only person I know who can understand where the fuck I'm coming from. Im just stressed and not in a productive way and I want to cry because I don't want these feelings I don't want any of this. I want everything to go back the way things were before I ever came to Coventry when I had real mates and someone who loved me n I loved him b4 everything got messed up and wrecked. Before there were stupid councelling sessions and perscription/non perscription drugs, before when I could sleep at night and now this is all I can think about.
I don't know if I could be with someone again, fell that closeness, that connection like we're the only people in the world and somehow everything makes sense.
like you know when you just had the right amount to drink and you think that you can solve everything, that moment of perfect clarity.
I don't know if I could get that close to someone again, without the paranoia, or the fear that it would all end up the same.
Like when one moment your entire life is clearly mapped out and you know exactly whats going to happen and then it's gone and your lost, and nothing matters and you don't care anymore, or give a shit about anything, when it's the hardest thing in the world to get out of bed and put ur game face on. When that game face is the only thing you have left.
When it gets to the point where you've forgotten what it's like to feel the real light of happiness, when you've forgotten what it's like to feel anything at all, and pain's the only thing that makes the remotest amount of sense because it's real.
All the time it feels like there's something heavy on you chest maing it hard to breathe that everything around you's trapping you and forcing you further into the darkness inside yourself.
I've kind of forgotten my main point but it feels sorta good to let out all the stuff I've been holding in since like november.
I don't know if I could be with someone again, fell that closeness, that connection like we're the only people in the world and somehow everything makes sense.
like you know when you just had the right amount to drink and you think that you can solve everything, that moment of perfect clarity.
I don't know if I could get that close to someone again, without the paranoia, or the fear that it would all end up the same.
Like when one moment your entire life is clearly mapped out and you know exactly whats going to happen and then it's gone and your lost, and nothing matters and you don't care anymore, or give a shit about anything, when it's the hardest thing in the world to get out of bed and put ur game face on. When that game face is the only thing you have left.
When it gets to the point where you've forgotten what it's like to feel the real light of happiness, when you've forgotten what it's like to feel anything at all, and pain's the only thing that makes the remotest amount of sense because it's real.
All the time it feels like there's something heavy on you chest maing it hard to breathe that everything around you's trapping you and forcing you further into the darkness inside yourself.
I've kind of forgotten my main point but it feels sorta good to let out all the stuff I've been holding in since like november.