(no subject)
lately things have been fantastic. i keep having to pinch myself to make sure that being with ben isn't just a dream anymore. it took so long to finally have him and now i am not letting him go. i've never been so happy before, and i think after 19 years i owe it to myself, and i owe him every bit of love and affection i have in me to keep him happy with me. he's such a sweetheart. last night he bought nathan a hookah. it was 30 bucks and its really nice, and i was just so happy the whole time they were there picking it out and playing with it. nathan, man i love that guy, he's such a sweet guy. i hope he and i stay friends for the entirety of our lives.
i dont know if its the stress with my mom..she wants to get the hell out of washington, same with my dad. they are both just emotional trainwrecks. mom is insulting me left and right and when i stick up to her she becomes a bitch, and it just gets to be extreme screaming matches. well what do you expect when you sit there and tell me that im doing everything wrong...i'm off to a better start than she was. she ran away from home at 16 to be with my dad...cute right? well how about she finds out she's knocked up the day of her wedding, with my sister. my parents jumped in too fast, they almost had their divorce finalized not even 2 years after they were married, but decided they loved eachother too much to lose one another and only be connected through stephanie. a couple years later, i was conceived. hey whats up. mom still to this day says that i was made from love, i wasnt a mistake like my sister. how messed up is that. she said i used to be such a sweet little girl and now im a bitter woman. well constant life struggles aren't there to make you miss happy sunshine daisy. i was cleaning up some stuff and found this not i wrote my mom i was probably no older than 9 or 10 and it said 'mommy i wish you would kiss me goodnight it helps me fall asleep' and if thats not heartbreaking, i dont know what is. i remember once my mom starting working at oyster bay inn, is when i started to be so unhappy. i never saw her, and when i did it wasn't my mom. she was always trying to make sure the house was clean and our laundry was done, you know, mom stuff...but not being my mom. i started losing closeness with her, and it hurt. thats when i started to gain weight like crazy. i felt like i didnt have a mommy anymore, and i didnt have anyone to care about me. dad was really neglectful. im lucky i had stephanie to take care of me, shes 5 years older than me, and she used to cook dinner for us and make our lunches. i to this day appreciate her so much for being there for me when mom and dad werent. i have mixed feelings about my life, my role in this house. at times i think wow i wish mom and dad went through with their divorce. other times, im glad they didnt. i went through a pretty tough phase in life, probably from 6th grade on, it was like a battle to keep my head held high in school. i had gotten pretty big due to the depression i had, and i didnt know this until i was 18, but i have ovarian cysts, which have screwed up my hormones since i developed them. i would be a lot different, physically, if i had known earlier on. my sister, the nurse, told me to get tested for it. she still saves me to this day. of course i skipped out on every single life event i am not writing a biography (yet.) but i do feel that there are significant things in my life that have caused me to become a different person than the girl i used to be, the girl my mom still sees when she looks at me. she's just such a bitter person. it hurts. i dont know what im doing wrong, nor do i believe im doing anything wrong. i mean, ive misguided myself, but im doing everything in my power to fix myself. i finally have a POSITIVE number in my bank account. my heart finally stopped wretching in pain when i paid the rest of that debt off. i now have a better life ahead of me than the one im leaving behind. as much as i hate this person, as much as i fear him, and for the rest of my life i wont ever be able to forgive him for what he did to me and forced me to do, i hope he is happy. just hope its not happiness caused from hurting girls like he hurt me. i dont think its decent to go on in life brooding over anything, its too much on your conscious. and too much for me to handle. i plan on forgetting about him as a person, and just remembering him for the scumbag he was. thank you for the personal strength to learn how to carry on with or without you. and fortunately, it is without you. i really wish i didnt make that mistake. wishing doesnt help though.
my dad and i have grown pretty close, i can talk to him about alot now. i feel comfortable around him. he has lightened up alot since i was a kid. i think he finally grew up. plus i think he is more comfortable around me as an adult now instead of me as a child. i love my dad so much. its taken a lot of time to say that. he wasn't a good dad, but he will make a fantastic grandfather. i cant wait for that day. i am starting to realize how much he's sacrficed for this family. he is a smart great man. i love telling people 'my dad is a rocket scientist'. no one believes me. but he is. my dad dropped out of school because he was bored of it, he was too smart. so he joined the navy. he worked under my mom's stepdad. my parents met at a navy bbq. my parents are great, i love them so much. really, even though my mom hurts my feelings alot and we constantly fight, at the end of the day she is still my mom. i can talk to her about anything. i am learning to talk to my dad about more, he is more of the advice other than boys. mom is the boy and friend advice. and i get alot of things from her. like the ability to judge a persons character almost just by seeing them. i have yet to be wrong about anyone. hypocritical? because of the guy who i first gave myself to, well...as i said before, male attention was something i lacked almost my entire life, so the first person who gave it to me, i wanted to keep around. guess what, i did...for a long time. and he reminded me alot of my dad when i would not really do anything but he would get mad at me anyway. now that i think about it, i dont have feelings about it. before i would start crying or get really pissed. now im like, no use in sticking with the past, i have the best future ahead of me that i could ask for. ben. i'm looking forward to the life together we always talk about. he wants the best for me and wont settle for anything less. i know i found a keeper. and i want the world to know...i want this man's babies. going to florida and leaving him is going to be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. looking into his big blue eyes for the last time until question marks...is heartbreaking just thinking about it. the time apart is just going to strengthen our bond. its going to be tough but he is the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the last puzzle piece to my heart. and i love giving myself to someone completely. but the move is going to leave us both very vulnerable. the way i see it, instead of buying me a promise ring, i got a lip ring. but thats ok because i love it. i cant believe i found someone who loves everything about me...right? =]
my scar from my surgery is really ugly, like i KNEW it would be. i have yet to go to physical therapy. bad huh...but i went through it before and still have the papers from it, so ive been doing it myself. they cant do much else than ive already done.
its raining pretty bad. we're having another open house today. ive been up since 7 and i dont know why, i woke up to Biography: David Cassidy. and then Capone decided to get into the Tinderbox bag sitting on my floor, so he caused a ruckus and ive been up since. i was cleaning up my room and bathroom and decided to take a break for now. i cant vacuum until my parents wake up. i really hate being up this early. i mean 9 isnt so bad now but 7. come on.
robby and i and probably ben and nathan are hanging out today. im happy about that. obby and i arent as close anymore, cuz life bludgeoned him with a freakin 8x10 brick of cement to the face. hopefully before i leave i will have the closeness with all of my friends that we once had, so when i move back it's like were picking up where we left off, not picking up the pieces trying to salvage what was there. im glad that my past isnt weighing me down anymore. i just wish i could quit being so bitter about some things.
i dont know if its the stress with my mom..she wants to get the hell out of washington, same with my dad. they are both just emotional trainwrecks. mom is insulting me left and right and when i stick up to her she becomes a bitch, and it just gets to be extreme screaming matches. well what do you expect when you sit there and tell me that im doing everything wrong...i'm off to a better start than she was. she ran away from home at 16 to be with my dad...cute right? well how about she finds out she's knocked up the day of her wedding, with my sister. my parents jumped in too fast, they almost had their divorce finalized not even 2 years after they were married, but decided they loved eachother too much to lose one another and only be connected through stephanie. a couple years later, i was conceived. hey whats up. mom still to this day says that i was made from love, i wasnt a mistake like my sister. how messed up is that. she said i used to be such a sweet little girl and now im a bitter woman. well constant life struggles aren't there to make you miss happy sunshine daisy. i was cleaning up some stuff and found this not i wrote my mom i was probably no older than 9 or 10 and it said 'mommy i wish you would kiss me goodnight it helps me fall asleep' and if thats not heartbreaking, i dont know what is. i remember once my mom starting working at oyster bay inn, is when i started to be so unhappy. i never saw her, and when i did it wasn't my mom. she was always trying to make sure the house was clean and our laundry was done, you know, mom stuff...but not being my mom. i started losing closeness with her, and it hurt. thats when i started to gain weight like crazy. i felt like i didnt have a mommy anymore, and i didnt have anyone to care about me. dad was really neglectful. im lucky i had stephanie to take care of me, shes 5 years older than me, and she used to cook dinner for us and make our lunches. i to this day appreciate her so much for being there for me when mom and dad werent. i have mixed feelings about my life, my role in this house. at times i think wow i wish mom and dad went through with their divorce. other times, im glad they didnt. i went through a pretty tough phase in life, probably from 6th grade on, it was like a battle to keep my head held high in school. i had gotten pretty big due to the depression i had, and i didnt know this until i was 18, but i have ovarian cysts, which have screwed up my hormones since i developed them. i would be a lot different, physically, if i had known earlier on. my sister, the nurse, told me to get tested for it. she still saves me to this day. of course i skipped out on every single life event i am not writing a biography (yet.) but i do feel that there are significant things in my life that have caused me to become a different person than the girl i used to be, the girl my mom still sees when she looks at me. she's just such a bitter person. it hurts. i dont know what im doing wrong, nor do i believe im doing anything wrong. i mean, ive misguided myself, but im doing everything in my power to fix myself. i finally have a POSITIVE number in my bank account. my heart finally stopped wretching in pain when i paid the rest of that debt off. i now have a better life ahead of me than the one im leaving behind. as much as i hate this person, as much as i fear him, and for the rest of my life i wont ever be able to forgive him for what he did to me and forced me to do, i hope he is happy. just hope its not happiness caused from hurting girls like he hurt me. i dont think its decent to go on in life brooding over anything, its too much on your conscious. and too much for me to handle. i plan on forgetting about him as a person, and just remembering him for the scumbag he was. thank you for the personal strength to learn how to carry on with or without you. and fortunately, it is without you. i really wish i didnt make that mistake. wishing doesnt help though.
my dad and i have grown pretty close, i can talk to him about alot now. i feel comfortable around him. he has lightened up alot since i was a kid. i think he finally grew up. plus i think he is more comfortable around me as an adult now instead of me as a child. i love my dad so much. its taken a lot of time to say that. he wasn't a good dad, but he will make a fantastic grandfather. i cant wait for that day. i am starting to realize how much he's sacrficed for this family. he is a smart great man. i love telling people 'my dad is a rocket scientist'. no one believes me. but he is. my dad dropped out of school because he was bored of it, he was too smart. so he joined the navy. he worked under my mom's stepdad. my parents met at a navy bbq. my parents are great, i love them so much. really, even though my mom hurts my feelings alot and we constantly fight, at the end of the day she is still my mom. i can talk to her about anything. i am learning to talk to my dad about more, he is more of the advice other than boys. mom is the boy and friend advice. and i get alot of things from her. like the ability to judge a persons character almost just by seeing them. i have yet to be wrong about anyone. hypocritical? because of the guy who i first gave myself to, well...as i said before, male attention was something i lacked almost my entire life, so the first person who gave it to me, i wanted to keep around. guess what, i did...for a long time. and he reminded me alot of my dad when i would not really do anything but he would get mad at me anyway. now that i think about it, i dont have feelings about it. before i would start crying or get really pissed. now im like, no use in sticking with the past, i have the best future ahead of me that i could ask for. ben. i'm looking forward to the life together we always talk about. he wants the best for me and wont settle for anything less. i know i found a keeper. and i want the world to know...i want this man's babies. going to florida and leaving him is going to be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. looking into his big blue eyes for the last time until question marks...is heartbreaking just thinking about it. the time apart is just going to strengthen our bond. its going to be tough but he is the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the last puzzle piece to my heart. and i love giving myself to someone completely. but the move is going to leave us both very vulnerable. the way i see it, instead of buying me a promise ring, i got a lip ring. but thats ok because i love it. i cant believe i found someone who loves everything about me...right? =]
my scar from my surgery is really ugly, like i KNEW it would be. i have yet to go to physical therapy. bad huh...but i went through it before and still have the papers from it, so ive been doing it myself. they cant do much else than ive already done.
its raining pretty bad. we're having another open house today. ive been up since 7 and i dont know why, i woke up to Biography: David Cassidy. and then Capone decided to get into the Tinderbox bag sitting on my floor, so he caused a ruckus and ive been up since. i was cleaning up my room and bathroom and decided to take a break for now. i cant vacuum until my parents wake up. i really hate being up this early. i mean 9 isnt so bad now but 7. come on.
robby and i and probably ben and nathan are hanging out today. im happy about that. obby and i arent as close anymore, cuz life bludgeoned him with a freakin 8x10 brick of cement to the face. hopefully before i leave i will have the closeness with all of my friends that we once had, so when i move back it's like were picking up where we left off, not picking up the pieces trying to salvage what was there. im glad that my past isnt weighing me down anymore. i just wish i could quit being so bitter about some things.