the patron saint of liars & fakes
in typical fashion, after having one of the craziest months of my entire life, I'm left with all kinds of things I'd love to release from my brain, but without the words (or reasons) to do so the way I'd like. it is strange to realize you've been (half-jokingly) telling yourself everything is changing, only to open your eyes, take a breath, and realize you were way closer to the mark than you previously thought.
I'm not sure that I've ever felt like such a subject of speculation to so many people who have either no clue or no place in the situation. I'm not sure I've ever become such a scapegoat (and I'm sure reoccouring punchline) to so many people, without even the decency of an answered phone call or instant message to the people involved. I'm not sure I've ever been placed in a situation where somehow I'm guilty as sin, but the other (equally) involved party is an angel. makes sense, doesn't it?
but that's fine - I'm not asking for or expecting anyone to care or take my side. my real friends are still here, and my real friends aren't all full of shit.
I've been called a lot of things lately. it doesn't realy matter to me. I've heard it before, and ill probally hear it again. I'm aware that some of the things I've done, and some of the ways I've chosen to live my life and the situations I've allowed myself to get into hardly would constitute the "easy" or "normal" or "right" (or maybe even "honest") way of living for most people, but I digress. maybe I'm not the person that you thought that I was. maybe I've never even come close to being that person. I'm not ashamed of that. you've got your reasons, I've got mine.
so lets throw it all against the wall -
according to the west virginia enquirer, I'm a liar, thief, piece of shit to everyone around me, selfish, an asshole, and probally a whole slew of other things I'm not even aware of. since this is all coming from some of the most blatently two faced, lying, self-centered, holier than thou people I've ever met in my entire life (some of which are new developments, some of which are a long time coming), I can't really say that I let myself bank too much on it. I dunno - I guess I'm just not okay with all kinds of assumptions being made, and then spread to everyone in the greater united states without me even being given a chance to discuss it myself. silly me.
but you know - whatever. everyone seems to be siked to be rid of me (and patiently awaiting my death, I hear), and I'm siked to know who my real friends are. I always felt like I was the fuckup inside of a great circle of friends. now I realize I was just one of many fuckups. everyone else is just way better at talking themselves up.
but there's a difference, believe it or not. I'm changing. I'm trying to do more "right" things, and less fucked up ones. the whole thing has come to a point that doesn't even directly affect me, but being that it does involve one of my closest and oldest friends, I can't just sit back and watch all kinds of shit be talked to/about him (weirdly by the same group that's caused all my recent drama) without saying something. the bottom line is that its all fucking wrong. nobody has a place in any situation ever to try and persuade someone out of a situation they're (generally) happy in, for someone else's benefit, LET ALONE when its all in a connected group of friends (and believe me, I'm aware I'm approaching territory I don't have much room to speak about). no matter what way you try to make it look, its fucked up, and has effectively been the knife to the heart of something that was once beautiful.
and it makes me fucking sad, honestly. be pissed off that you met me, or wish over the internet that I'd never came in to contact with your life, but the bottom line is that before everyone (myself included at various points) started going behind everyone else's back and talking shit, or conspiring against eachother, or fucking the same girls/guys, or trying to fuck up eachother's relationships, we were a tight fucking family. two bands set on changing the fucking world without letting anything else -- girls, drama, egos, money, etc getting in the way. if I could, I'd take all the shit back that happened because of me. but I'm not naive enough to think it would have made a difference anyway.
it'll never be the same. things got polluted a long time ago, people split off into smaller groups, and I kept my mouth shut. now that I've been "kicked out" of the cool kids club, I don't really feel the need to. however, I do feel that it would be somewhat trite for me to voice all my opinions over the internet. I'm holding on to thinking maybe some people will grow up a couple years and we can actually talk over it. I'm holding on, but I won't hold my breath.
I'm sure that the writing of this letter won't make a difference. I'm sure that it will be analyzed for grammar and style points, torn apart, probally replied to to make me look bad, and generally just taken as "oh, there greg goes talking shit again" which is the exact opposate of what I'm trying to do. regardless, I'm posting this because I feel like I have to stand up for myself and my friends. I refuse to sit back (again) and watch someone else be torn apart, criticized, and shittalked over a situation that none of his "friends" had the thought to inform him was even occouring.
I think its fucking shady. I don't like to play fucking high school games with people. I graduated a long time ago. I've had things, money, clothes, etc swiped from me by my so called friends, and never said a fucking word. my reputation has been fucked, lies spread, and people have been hurt, all over he said-she said bullshit (thanks, durst). its stupid, and starting right now, I will no longer be playing.
delete me as your myspace friend so you get your point across.
maybe spread some shit around to people it in no way concerns.
but when it finally blows up for the rest of you (which it inevitably will once the lack of easier targets is noticed), don't look to me for an "I'm sorry" or even for an "I told you so."
the saying goes that if you make your bed, you have to sleep in it. I'm resting sound. I'd only wish you the same (but I'd also doubt its likelyhood).
save yourself. I'm doing fine.
I'm not sure that I've ever felt like such a subject of speculation to so many people who have either no clue or no place in the situation. I'm not sure I've ever become such a scapegoat (and I'm sure reoccouring punchline) to so many people, without even the decency of an answered phone call or instant message to the people involved. I'm not sure I've ever been placed in a situation where somehow I'm guilty as sin, but the other (equally) involved party is an angel. makes sense, doesn't it?
but that's fine - I'm not asking for or expecting anyone to care or take my side. my real friends are still here, and my real friends aren't all full of shit.
I've been called a lot of things lately. it doesn't realy matter to me. I've heard it before, and ill probally hear it again. I'm aware that some of the things I've done, and some of the ways I've chosen to live my life and the situations I've allowed myself to get into hardly would constitute the "easy" or "normal" or "right" (or maybe even "honest") way of living for most people, but I digress. maybe I'm not the person that you thought that I was. maybe I've never even come close to being that person. I'm not ashamed of that. you've got your reasons, I've got mine.
so lets throw it all against the wall -
according to the west virginia enquirer, I'm a liar, thief, piece of shit to everyone around me, selfish, an asshole, and probally a whole slew of other things I'm not even aware of. since this is all coming from some of the most blatently two faced, lying, self-centered, holier than thou people I've ever met in my entire life (some of which are new developments, some of which are a long time coming), I can't really say that I let myself bank too much on it. I dunno - I guess I'm just not okay with all kinds of assumptions being made, and then spread to everyone in the greater united states without me even being given a chance to discuss it myself. silly me.
but you know - whatever. everyone seems to be siked to be rid of me (and patiently awaiting my death, I hear), and I'm siked to know who my real friends are. I always felt like I was the fuckup inside of a great circle of friends. now I realize I was just one of many fuckups. everyone else is just way better at talking themselves up.
but there's a difference, believe it or not. I'm changing. I'm trying to do more "right" things, and less fucked up ones. the whole thing has come to a point that doesn't even directly affect me, but being that it does involve one of my closest and oldest friends, I can't just sit back and watch all kinds of shit be talked to/about him (weirdly by the same group that's caused all my recent drama) without saying something. the bottom line is that its all fucking wrong. nobody has a place in any situation ever to try and persuade someone out of a situation they're (generally) happy in, for someone else's benefit, LET ALONE when its all in a connected group of friends (and believe me, I'm aware I'm approaching territory I don't have much room to speak about). no matter what way you try to make it look, its fucked up, and has effectively been the knife to the heart of something that was once beautiful.
and it makes me fucking sad, honestly. be pissed off that you met me, or wish over the internet that I'd never came in to contact with your life, but the bottom line is that before everyone (myself included at various points) started going behind everyone else's back and talking shit, or conspiring against eachother, or fucking the same girls/guys, or trying to fuck up eachother's relationships, we were a tight fucking family. two bands set on changing the fucking world without letting anything else -- girls, drama, egos, money, etc getting in the way. if I could, I'd take all the shit back that happened because of me. but I'm not naive enough to think it would have made a difference anyway.
it'll never be the same. things got polluted a long time ago, people split off into smaller groups, and I kept my mouth shut. now that I've been "kicked out" of the cool kids club, I don't really feel the need to. however, I do feel that it would be somewhat trite for me to voice all my opinions over the internet. I'm holding on to thinking maybe some people will grow up a couple years and we can actually talk over it. I'm holding on, but I won't hold my breath.
I'm sure that the writing of this letter won't make a difference. I'm sure that it will be analyzed for grammar and style points, torn apart, probally replied to to make me look bad, and generally just taken as "oh, there greg goes talking shit again" which is the exact opposate of what I'm trying to do. regardless, I'm posting this because I feel like I have to stand up for myself and my friends. I refuse to sit back (again) and watch someone else be torn apart, criticized, and shittalked over a situation that none of his "friends" had the thought to inform him was even occouring.
I think its fucking shady. I don't like to play fucking high school games with people. I graduated a long time ago. I've had things, money, clothes, etc swiped from me by my so called friends, and never said a fucking word. my reputation has been fucked, lies spread, and people have been hurt, all over he said-she said bullshit (thanks, durst). its stupid, and starting right now, I will no longer be playing.
delete me as your myspace friend so you get your point across.
maybe spread some shit around to people it in no way concerns.
but when it finally blows up for the rest of you (which it inevitably will once the lack of easier targets is noticed), don't look to me for an "I'm sorry" or even for an "I told you so."
the saying goes that if you make your bed, you have to sleep in it. I'm resting sound. I'd only wish you the same (but I'd also doubt its likelyhood).
save yourself. I'm doing fine.