srsly. SRSLY.
i dont understand the concept behind life right now.
i thought that i had this all under control...the ebb and flow of all the good and bad things that happen to me...but apparently i miscalculated somewhere.
though there are little waves lapping the shore, it feels like the tide will be out for a while.
maybe i should just run out and meet the water halfway?
**
i can't believe that i've been reduced to this.
asking a man i barely know to help me, when i'm too proud to ask anyone else.
please explain to me how that works.
i haven't actually done it, and if the situation weren't the way it is, i doubt that i'd ever even consider asking in the first place.
but this is something bigger than myself.
it's for my kaachan and my brother...my faaaaamily. i have to take one for the team, i guess.
**
you know, when i don't take into consideration my financial situation...life is pretty much golden. or, like my new favorite saying says "my skin is yellow. my life is gold."
well, for the most part.
i'm still fighting a little battle with my feelings towards a certain person who tried to guilt me into something when she shouldn't have...but i'm getting over that. i guess i understand the situation, and the desperation - however incomparable to my own in the given situation - is something i can relate to.
damn. and i really thought that i was growing outta this whole "pushover" thing. guess i was wrong.
**
we've got a few shows coming up for hula...i'm really excited, but somehow, it's kind of been stressful, going to practice. i dont know if it's because i dread the fact that someone i don't exactly see eye to eye with (in both the literal and metaphorical sense) is going to be there, or if it's the stress from the rest of my life that's slowly seeping into my hula life. there are so many things going on in my little head that it's hard to get a grasp on anything at all anymore; it's all so mixed up and it's hard to differentiate what's what.
so lately, more than usual, i've managed to drown myself in fandom to keep everything else at bay.
but even all the SHINee can't keep everything else in check.
there are days when i wake up in my house full of people and feel like i have absolutely nothing and no one to talk to.
it's been almost suffocating.
but i hung out with tiffany the past few days and got things out of my system.
granted, i kept the hysterical crying, supreme anger and sever hysteria for myself...but it felt nice to talk to someone who DOESN'T want to coddle me and pretend that smoothing my hair and patting my shoulders is going to remedy what's wrong.
i've missed that.
to be honest, i've really been missing a lot of things lately, and it's alarming to think about how little my life actually consists of anymore. i'm alright with it, but it's kind of scary considering how full my life feels with so little. i have a circle of friends that can be counted on one hand, but i'm alright with that. but, thinking about it that way makes me feel almost alone when i compare it to the fact that i used to hang out with an entire "fratority" nearly everyday.
**
i like being able to vent things like this in a blog where i can write anything i want in confidence, knowing that no one reads it.
it's theraputic.
**
on the outside, i feel like i can keep holding this together. on the inside though...right this very minute...i know that it's a complete and utter mess and i'm coming apart at the seams.
maybe it's time to go to bed and wake up with a more manageable outlook.
i thought that i had this all under control...the ebb and flow of all the good and bad things that happen to me...but apparently i miscalculated somewhere.
though there are little waves lapping the shore, it feels like the tide will be out for a while.
maybe i should just run out and meet the water halfway?
**
i can't believe that i've been reduced to this.
asking a man i barely know to help me, when i'm too proud to ask anyone else.
please explain to me how that works.
i haven't actually done it, and if the situation weren't the way it is, i doubt that i'd ever even consider asking in the first place.
but this is something bigger than myself.
it's for my kaachan and my brother...my faaaaamily. i have to take one for the team, i guess.
**
you know, when i don't take into consideration my financial situation...life is pretty much golden. or, like my new favorite saying says "my skin is yellow. my life is gold."
well, for the most part.
i'm still fighting a little battle with my feelings towards a certain person who tried to guilt me into something when she shouldn't have...but i'm getting over that. i guess i understand the situation, and the desperation - however incomparable to my own in the given situation - is something i can relate to.
damn. and i really thought that i was growing outta this whole "pushover" thing. guess i was wrong.
**
we've got a few shows coming up for hula...i'm really excited, but somehow, it's kind of been stressful, going to practice. i dont know if it's because i dread the fact that someone i don't exactly see eye to eye with (in both the literal and metaphorical sense) is going to be there, or if it's the stress from the rest of my life that's slowly seeping into my hula life. there are so many things going on in my little head that it's hard to get a grasp on anything at all anymore; it's all so mixed up and it's hard to differentiate what's what.
so lately, more than usual, i've managed to drown myself in fandom to keep everything else at bay.
but even all the SHINee can't keep everything else in check.
there are days when i wake up in my house full of people and feel like i have absolutely nothing and no one to talk to.
it's been almost suffocating.
but i hung out with tiffany the past few days and got things out of my system.
granted, i kept the hysterical crying, supreme anger and sever hysteria for myself...but it felt nice to talk to someone who DOESN'T want to coddle me and pretend that smoothing my hair and patting my shoulders is going to remedy what's wrong.
i've missed that.
to be honest, i've really been missing a lot of things lately, and it's alarming to think about how little my life actually consists of anymore. i'm alright with it, but it's kind of scary considering how full my life feels with so little. i have a circle of friends that can be counted on one hand, but i'm alright with that. but, thinking about it that way makes me feel almost alone when i compare it to the fact that i used to hang out with an entire "fratority" nearly everyday.
**
i like being able to vent things like this in a blog where i can write anything i want in confidence, knowing that no one reads it.
it's theraputic.
**
on the outside, i feel like i can keep holding this together. on the inside though...right this very minute...i know that it's a complete and utter mess and i'm coming apart at the seams.
maybe it's time to go to bed and wake up with a more manageable outlook.