Ramblings of a crazy person......
so now that everyone hates me or thinks I have lost my mind, I am going to the doctor. I am on an antidepressant because after the fight with Spencer last night I took 11 sleep pills, 2 oxycodone and 4 muscle relaxers and root beer. I was so messed up all day and I went to the doctor today who knows about 1 time i tried. so now that I have tried three times I am learning fighting with spencer just puts me over the edge. I am not ever speaking or calling or anything to that man again cause I never want to get pushed to the edge where i would leave emily, my sister dad and paul without me because thats selfish. Etta said to paul the other day that he will realize he made a mistake and it will be too late well not really because the person that made the mistake was me! I fucked up not him and the fact that at this point in time hes saying to give him a month in my eyes is his being leniant for all the shit i put him through. I need to growup and accept there are somethings in life you cant take back and this just happens to be one of those things maybe. I texted maria and gina apologizing but i dont think they are going to forgive me that easily I fucked up majorly and i need to accept whatever the consequences of my actions are. I went through a nervous breakdown of sorts and in a month i need to realize that there are going to be questions that spencer is going to want answers to such as why and I really need to work on the answers because I dont know why i did what i did. and my father in law talked to his conductor about this and he goes maybe he made a pass at her and she said no and I went hell no Spencer is a great person and a professional and there are some reasons why I need to realize I may not be able to go back. I hope he hasnt replaced me in commack but if he has he has. I messed up and i need to accept that hes giving it a month for things to calm down and for me to realize everything and move on from that but if i still want to go back maybe i can. I love Dennys and the people and the job but the questions of why i sent fake resumes and pranked him still is going to be asked, I may run into him before that but at least he didnt have me arrested for the shit i put him through which is good and the fact that he was willing to let it all go makes me realize hes a bigger person than i am by a long shot. I hit rock bottom and I am now going to have to rebuild and deal with all the problems i caused. I have to figure out a way for commack to forgive me and that will take work and time. I am breathing and alive so i guess thats a good thing. I sound a little crazy saying that but I could just as easily be dead and I get that. I am shocked out of all the people that i told that Spencer was the only one to call the police because he thought I would do it again. Paul didnt and yet I asked him 9 times if he thought i was going to die and the last time i remember he said in the beginning yes and it dumbfounds me that he didnt call 911 if he thought i was going to die whether or not i begged with him it should have been done. I would have but I guess he thought thats what i really wanted. Ok now that I have verbalized all of this and people thinking i have lost it I am finishing up. Ciao for now!