(no subject)
I feel like this summer is a transition period for me really....
I was getting ready to go out tonight and I looked in the mirror and realized- I'm ready to move on with my life. There is just one more thing I would like to do to vent my feelings and then I can be at peace and move on. I'm ready to let go of this heartbroken time in my life and move on to bigger and better things. I've learned from my mistakes, and will probably never trust anyone as easily again, but I know who my true friends are now.
My life feels like its finally starting to fall into place. Once again, looking in the mirror, I realized that I have a set place in at least 2 peoples lives, outside of my parents that is. There's Cory and there's Rachel. Rachel is one of my friends from Italian class and we have been talking a lot and hanging out every day. I feel like my friendships are starting to move into the adult realm now; it may be because she just got married and we talk about more grown up things like the future rather than sitting around gossiping and such, but it's kinda nice. I like this drama free life I live.
As for Cory, yeah I still miss him, but it is most definitely easier to live without him here when other people are here. He actually offered for me to come down and live with him over the summer. Just work down there and delay my class till fall (since I have to take it at UF since I'm under the 30 credit limit to graduate as it is). Sure, we would have been living in his parents house, but I would have been LIVING WITH HIM. As in, no place of my own to run to when I need free time or when we fight about something and we need time to cool off. Bonafide "living together." The thought is still so scary to me that just talking about it gives me butterflies. I told him, I still love him more than anything, but I am just not ready to LIVE WITH him yet. As for the rest of our relationship, I kinda see this summer as a test for me: Can I really be on my own, be without him? I feel like this relationship could last a long, long time (I don't want to jinx anything by saying how long), but I have to make sure that I haven't lost myself along the way and that I can still maintain "myself" in the future. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it mostly makes sense to me.
It may not be what I want to do most in life, but I'm 99% sure that I have a possible job after I graduate. My dad really wants me to work at his company. It's not the thing that I really see myself doing in 2 more years, although I don't really see myself doing anything else either, but it'd be stable and I'd make decent money. Plus, I'd get to stay in FL like I want to do. Whether I want to stay in FL because I'd get homesick or maybe because I'm still with Cory and dont want to move away from him is another question altogether, but I truly do think I've always had a desire to live in FL, even though its normally on the West Coast I imagine living, not the East Coast. The point of all this is, I see the real world coming up on me fast, and it kinda scares me, but for once I don't have that overwhelming feeling of anxiety I've been getting most of this year thinking about graduation because I have this job offer.....
I just feel like this summer is a lot of things. If I don't go to grad school, this is it. This is my last summer as a student. I'll have to give up my parents money security (in the process finally giving me mental releases from issues from years and years ago) and make it on my own. And I'm cool with that. I'm going to miss being a student though. So I want to make the best of it. And tonight I had such a good time that I think it's a good place to start.