looking for a way out
I am so energized and excited about life. I feel like I am literally dying here at work.
This job was initially somewhat challenging. It had potential for growth. And I did - right away. I changed jobs, got 2 raises, was inspired for my career. Everything felt possibly interesting. I thought about graphics, public relations, project management. The possibilities were abounding! Finally, good pay! Finally, creative work! A local business, cool people... who could ask for more? I felt part of something.
Now a year and a half later, my job duties have switch around, and I am horrified at how bored I am.
I have this urge. This burning itch that is killing me. I want to be out in the world! Look at it. The sky is blue. I could handle the sky being blue, if my brain was busy ticking away and learning things and doing something meaningful. Look outside! The sun is shining. I could handle that if I was running around doing something.
I am an active person. I like to move around. My brain is constantly active too. I just can't help it. I need stimulation for most of the hours in the day that I am waking. So it's hard enough to sit still at a desk, but I can, if my brain's active. But the learning has ceased. I had been overworked but at least the day was full. They had me working my job and practically 2 others. Then not only did the other 2 job-fillings stop but my job was rearranged. I got a whole lot less to do and some new interesting things. But those new things are seasonal. And seasons are short. The time between them, however is long. Combine that with a very efficient employee (me) who likes to stay active and busy, and you have a very bored... terrifyingly bored... person who is dying, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, to get out.
Everyone has ideas for me. Most of them are great ones too. One good friend says, write at work - have a document open to write in. That's a good idea. Another friend says, get a job teaching dance. Volunteer 1 day a week and follow that passion. Another says, "find the one part of your life where you do have some direction and follow that to it's logical extreme." That makes so much sense.
But what I want is to work part time, and dance part time. There is the rumor I could be dancing for consistent pay soon. That would be such a great fresh new beginning. but it's not here yet.
I want to be out there. I want to go for walks. I want to cook delightful dinners. I want to volunteer and take kids to playgrounds. I want to dance during the day. I want to go to bakeries. I want to make some money and have that time be just short and sweet. I want to feel like what I am doing has some sort of meaning!
I sit here going crazy. Even when I have work my brain is on autopilot. The highlight of my day is going to Wildberries and getting an oatcake from the bakery, and then it's torture cause I want to stay there and watch people -women with strollers, construction workers buying pasteries... sit by the window smelling the fresh flowers for sale and watch people order their lunches at the healthy foods deli. But I have to leave. My life is this - the fucking internet. Who gives a shit about the internet? I enter data. I do correspondence. Sometimes I make jewelry. Sometimes I take pictures and send samples for PR. And that is it. I want to dance, make dinners, go for walks, even volunteer somewhere a few days a week.
I can do so much more than that.
I have ideas. Real estate! You get to be out in the world, make your own hours. How about a kindergarten teacher - I don't really advocate kindergarten but hey, if people are going to send their kids somewhere, may as well make it with good people. Naptime, snacktime and storytime sounds nice to me. But I know that's not really how it works, and daycares drive me crazy. OK, so how about public relations? Maybe too stressful. Graphic art? Yeah, but that requires school, and no good ones here, and I don't want to move now.
I just moved to a great new sunny duplex with hardwood floors. We can finally afford new furniture, appliances, futons, new cars, and we can live in somewhat financial ease. My relationship is blossoming and fantastic. Dnace has great potential and as long as my director doesn't screw me by giving me unchallenging roles (No! I am unchallenged enough at work)... I am excited about that and renewed by the choreogrpahy my friends and I learned on our own during break. There is so much that I love about life, and I want to be doing more of it. I just feel like, so inspired by life right now... and trapped in an 8 hour a day block. I sound like a spoiled brat, but I just want to make this much money and do great work in short, condensed amount of time. I have way too many interests to be spending 8 hours a day doing one thing even when I AM busy. and then when I am spending 8 hours a day doing nothing? I am dying. Getting paid to do nothing is much, much worse than being alive in the world without pay. Too bad I can't live like that.
I am looking for jobs, but I don't know what I am looking for. I just know I want to be out there, LIVING my life. Somehow.
Instead of sitting here, having the time to write this!!!!!!!!!!!
This job was initially somewhat challenging. It had potential for growth. And I did - right away. I changed jobs, got 2 raises, was inspired for my career. Everything felt possibly interesting. I thought about graphics, public relations, project management. The possibilities were abounding! Finally, good pay! Finally, creative work! A local business, cool people... who could ask for more? I felt part of something.
Now a year and a half later, my job duties have switch around, and I am horrified at how bored I am.
I have this urge. This burning itch that is killing me. I want to be out in the world! Look at it. The sky is blue. I could handle the sky being blue, if my brain was busy ticking away and learning things and doing something meaningful. Look outside! The sun is shining. I could handle that if I was running around doing something.
I am an active person. I like to move around. My brain is constantly active too. I just can't help it. I need stimulation for most of the hours in the day that I am waking. So it's hard enough to sit still at a desk, but I can, if my brain's active. But the learning has ceased. I had been overworked but at least the day was full. They had me working my job and practically 2 others. Then not only did the other 2 job-fillings stop but my job was rearranged. I got a whole lot less to do and some new interesting things. But those new things are seasonal. And seasons are short. The time between them, however is long. Combine that with a very efficient employee (me) who likes to stay active and busy, and you have a very bored... terrifyingly bored... person who is dying, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, to get out.
Everyone has ideas for me. Most of them are great ones too. One good friend says, write at work - have a document open to write in. That's a good idea. Another friend says, get a job teaching dance. Volunteer 1 day a week and follow that passion. Another says, "find the one part of your life where you do have some direction and follow that to it's logical extreme." That makes so much sense.
But what I want is to work part time, and dance part time. There is the rumor I could be dancing for consistent pay soon. That would be such a great fresh new beginning. but it's not here yet.
I want to be out there. I want to go for walks. I want to cook delightful dinners. I want to volunteer and take kids to playgrounds. I want to dance during the day. I want to go to bakeries. I want to make some money and have that time be just short and sweet. I want to feel like what I am doing has some sort of meaning!
I sit here going crazy. Even when I have work my brain is on autopilot. The highlight of my day is going to Wildberries and getting an oatcake from the bakery, and then it's torture cause I want to stay there and watch people -women with strollers, construction workers buying pasteries... sit by the window smelling the fresh flowers for sale and watch people order their lunches at the healthy foods deli. But I have to leave. My life is this - the fucking internet. Who gives a shit about the internet? I enter data. I do correspondence. Sometimes I make jewelry. Sometimes I take pictures and send samples for PR. And that is it. I want to dance, make dinners, go for walks, even volunteer somewhere a few days a week.
I can do so much more than that.
I have ideas. Real estate! You get to be out in the world, make your own hours. How about a kindergarten teacher - I don't really advocate kindergarten but hey, if people are going to send their kids somewhere, may as well make it with good people. Naptime, snacktime and storytime sounds nice to me. But I know that's not really how it works, and daycares drive me crazy. OK, so how about public relations? Maybe too stressful. Graphic art? Yeah, but that requires school, and no good ones here, and I don't want to move now.
I just moved to a great new sunny duplex with hardwood floors. We can finally afford new furniture, appliances, futons, new cars, and we can live in somewhat financial ease. My relationship is blossoming and fantastic. Dnace has great potential and as long as my director doesn't screw me by giving me unchallenging roles (No! I am unchallenged enough at work)... I am excited about that and renewed by the choreogrpahy my friends and I learned on our own during break. There is so much that I love about life, and I want to be doing more of it. I just feel like, so inspired by life right now... and trapped in an 8 hour a day block. I sound like a spoiled brat, but I just want to make this much money and do great work in short, condensed amount of time. I have way too many interests to be spending 8 hours a day doing one thing even when I AM busy. and then when I am spending 8 hours a day doing nothing? I am dying. Getting paid to do nothing is much, much worse than being alive in the world without pay. Too bad I can't live like that.
I am looking for jobs, but I don't know what I am looking for. I just know I want to be out there, LIVING my life. Somehow.
Instead of sitting here, having the time to write this!!!!!!!!!!!