Torn in two
I think at some point the body will just tear itself in two when the mind is so split. its a like a war in something that only has so much space and so much endurence.
the question i will struggle with untill i'm far far far far far away is... why do i care? any normal human being would be done with all of this by now. they would laugh and say "well i could've seen that comming" or "thats karma for ya" . and although for a second i think that, it soo quickly changes to deep sympathy, and empathy and guilt. the thing is i know exactly how all of that feels. ugh there is something wrong with me. its not normal to want to be there for him right now. i shouldn't care at all. and yet i cant find one reason good enough to stop. i want to do something to cheer him up, but every time i think "oh thats a great idea", i can see all the way it would be taken wrong or how hurt i'd be if it failed.
i guess the truth is its still all about me, not about cheering someone else up. its still about ME doing it, and ME being special, and ME being there and ME getting the thank you. and thats not what it should be about. things only get better when you stop thinking about yourself, and starting truely thinking about others. and not just one person, about all people. with all that said, the next very long time is going to be a constent struggle, i just have to walk away. i cant be there, i cant say anything encouraging, i cant do anything in an attempt to make him smile. its the hardest thing in the world to walk away from someone you wish to help. but he doesn't need my help; i dont believe he wants it either, which is good in the long run i guess? ugh in these hours i wish there was a magic pill.
the question i will struggle with untill i'm far far far far far away is... why do i care? any normal human being would be done with all of this by now. they would laugh and say "well i could've seen that comming" or "thats karma for ya" . and although for a second i think that, it soo quickly changes to deep sympathy, and empathy and guilt. the thing is i know exactly how all of that feels. ugh there is something wrong with me. its not normal to want to be there for him right now. i shouldn't care at all. and yet i cant find one reason good enough to stop. i want to do something to cheer him up, but every time i think "oh thats a great idea", i can see all the way it would be taken wrong or how hurt i'd be if it failed.
i guess the truth is its still all about me, not about cheering someone else up. its still about ME doing it, and ME being special, and ME being there and ME getting the thank you. and thats not what it should be about. things only get better when you stop thinking about yourself, and starting truely thinking about others. and not just one person, about all people. with all that said, the next very long time is going to be a constent struggle, i just have to walk away. i cant be there, i cant say anything encouraging, i cant do anything in an attempt to make him smile. its the hardest thing in the world to walk away from someone you wish to help. but he doesn't need my help; i dont believe he wants it either, which is good in the long run i guess? ugh in these hours i wish there was a magic pill.