let the rain fall
My life is always topsy turvy. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. But you have to wonder, why do I? I wonder that all the time. Maybe I'm just a massachist, maybe I'm used to it, maybe this maybe that. Maybe I just don't have the strength to overcome it. I feel like I'm always underwater, struggling against the current. And then instead of fighting it, I let myself go under, because I enjoy sinking.
On saturday I was invited to participate in an orgy. wonderful huh? I was invited by Jeff Locke and his wife, Amanda. that's college life huh? well, who knows if I would have gone if my mother had not come up that weekend. meant to be. I find myself falling faster and harder for Jeff. He doesn't seem to mind that he has a wife when he is around me. We are around each other a lot, just the two of us. and it frightens me. what I would do with him that would murder the friendship I have with Amanda and my own self esteem. But then I look in his eyes and I would do anything to be with him. When he looks at me, flirts with me, touches me, I forget that I have a choice. Falling for someone you cannot possibly love. but then, you can. it just hurts more. i hate the way that he makes me feel, i hate the way he makes me smile, I hate that I love that I hate him.
winter's coming. i can feel it. it's in my mood, its in my writing, its in my eyes. the depressive season has come upon me and I embrace it. I'm tired of the monotonous feeling that summer and fall share. I'm tired of crying without a rainfall, music without meaning, and journals without thought. monotonous nothingness for torturous feeling, the choice between the two is clear for me. I am a massachist by nature and I choose the hard journey through winter. I choose heartbreak, heartache, and suffering. I choose sinking into the dark oblivion, I choose Jeff.