(no subject)
The BEER PRAYER...
Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
and forgive us our spillages,
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For Thine is the beer, the bitter, THE lager.
Barman.
---------
Q: What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic
Diver?
A: Mark Spitz, Greg Swallows.
--------
Medieval Pickup Lines:
*Hey, Princess, you wouldn`t happen to know where a lonely knight could
scabbard his sword, would you?
*Been there, slain that.
*Your hovel or mine?
*Pestilence makes the heart go wander.
*I like the cut of your jib.
*You won`t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision
and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on
it!!
*C`mon, sweetie...Didn`t your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day
keeps
the black plague away.
*A day just wouldn`t be complete without a Knight.
*Milady, it`s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic
within.
------------
Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They`ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody`s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
----------
The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to
examine the damage, and then he calls the devil. 'That darn gate broke
again,' he says. 'It's your turn to fix it.'
'Forget it,' says the devil. 'My people are too busy.'
'But we had a deal,' says St. Peter, 'and if you don't honor it, I'll
have to sue you for breach of contract.'
The devil laughs. 'Sure you will. And just where do you expect to find
a lawyer?'
----------
Rich is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently
invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical.
Rich says, 'Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.'
The executive types, 'Where is my father?'
The crystal ball answers, 'Your father is fishing in Michigan.'
The executive says to Rich, 'I knew this was bullshit. My father's been
dead for twenty years.'
The inventor says, 'Ask the question in a different way.'
The executive types in, 'Where is my mother's husband?'
The computer answers, 'Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty
years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.'
-------
According to report, the U.S. has a bazooka-like gun used for firing
dead chickens at aircraft windshields as a safety test. They supposedly
sent one of these guns to the U.K. for the British to use.
Not long after this the British sent the U.S. a memo saying their
aircraft
windshields must be defective. Not only did they all fail the test but
there
was also considerable damage to the instruments and even some broken
seats!
The U.S. reportedly replied that the chickens were to be thawed before
using...
Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
and forgive us our spillages,
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For Thine is the beer, the bitter, THE lager.
Barman.
---------
Q: What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic
Diver?
A: Mark Spitz, Greg Swallows.
--------
Medieval Pickup Lines:
*Hey, Princess, you wouldn`t happen to know where a lonely knight could
scabbard his sword, would you?
*Been there, slain that.
*Your hovel or mine?
*Pestilence makes the heart go wander.
*I like the cut of your jib.
*You won`t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision
and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on
it!!
*C`mon, sweetie...Didn`t your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day
keeps
the black plague away.
*A day just wouldn`t be complete without a Knight.
*Milady, it`s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic
within.
------------
Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They`ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody`s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
----------
The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to
examine the damage, and then he calls the devil. 'That darn gate broke
again,' he says. 'It's your turn to fix it.'
'Forget it,' says the devil. 'My people are too busy.'
'But we had a deal,' says St. Peter, 'and if you don't honor it, I'll
have to sue you for breach of contract.'
The devil laughs. 'Sure you will. And just where do you expect to find
a lawyer?'
----------
Rich is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently
invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical.
Rich says, 'Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.'
The executive types, 'Where is my father?'
The crystal ball answers, 'Your father is fishing in Michigan.'
The executive says to Rich, 'I knew this was bullshit. My father's been
dead for twenty years.'
The inventor says, 'Ask the question in a different way.'
The executive types in, 'Where is my mother's husband?'
The computer answers, 'Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty
years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.'
-------
According to report, the U.S. has a bazooka-like gun used for firing
dead chickens at aircraft windshields as a safety test. They supposedly
sent one of these guns to the U.K. for the British to use.
Not long after this the British sent the U.S. a memo saying their
aircraft
windshields must be defective. Not only did they all fail the test but
there
was also considerable damage to the instruments and even some broken
seats!
The U.S. reportedly replied that the chickens were to be thawed before
using...