Sep 10, 2006 23:46
It has been a long day, which I guess is the perfect ending to a long week. There isn't a specific reason why the week has been long, especially considering I didn't really work. Given the extra time I have done a lot of thinking...
It occurred to me early in the week how much my friends and I are changing. It seems such a sudden change, but it is something that I am sure has progressed slowly over time and I am only becomming consciously aware of it now. We are getting to an age where it is expected of us to start settling down and really seriously thinking about our futures. This means that relationships are becomming much more prevalant in conversation. I have always prided myself on being the friend that people can turn to when they need to talk; about anything. If I get a call at 3am, I will answer. If they need/want to cry on my shoulder, I will drop what I am doing and be there for them. Lately though, I have become so engrossed in my own life that I am starting to find it extremely difficult to continue to be that person. My own self confidence is so low, I struggle to give any to others, yet people continue to tell me their problems. So many of my frienships have been formed as a result of a mutual loss of relationship and sharing thoughts/feelings, but I am noticing it is less about sharing and more about how they feel. This is probably ludicrously selfish of me, but I am starting to get a little tired of it. The same couple of people complaining about something that never really took off or is never going to be anything more than what it currently is.
I am just fed up. Sometimes I wish I could trade my life in for a new one. I hate that I am the cool girl that is told would make a fantastic girlfriend, but never actually considered. I hate that all the boyfriends I have ever had think the absolute world of me but would never consider a long-term future with me. I think I need to start finding some serious direction, because the path I am heading down at the moment is not leading anywhere good.