Purposeful neglect
This has been neglected for a really long time. Why? Basically because not a lot has been happening with me lately. I worked a lot for a long time. And then last Monday uni went back, which was somewhat non-exciting/non-eventful. But I am determined to make a fresh start this year and actually do something useful with my time (a.k.a study) and be the good student that I know I can be. All of this is interesting considering I have a 9am class and it has just gone 3:30am. It's the thought that counts right?
So, over the last few weeks things have gotten really interesting with me. I shall start in the best chronological order I can.
I met a guy. We started hanging out and he expressed his liking for me and so we started seeing each other. It was fun; we hung out lots and spent lots of time together. Then I started finding out all this bad stuff that he had done in the past and so I tried to play the non-judgemental card and accept it all. That was until this bad stuff started inadvertently affecting "us". I was taking him places that I didn't really feel comfortable going, and was feeling a sense of shame even thinking about the kind of trouble he was in. I also noticed that he had the shortest temper of anybody I had ever met, and that also wasn't sitting too well with me. Then one night it all rose to the surface when he obviously got angry at me, abruptly said he was taking a shower and never returned. A couple of hours later I left. I phoned him the following day asking what had happened and he said that it was nothing and to not worry about it. So I tried to write it off, but how could I, one second everything was fine, and the next second I am in his room alone while he is off doing I don't know what. So the next time I spoke to him I brought it up again (just to preface I either wanted an explanation or an apology, which I didn't think was too much to ask for considering he couldn't even give me a reason as to why he got angry in the first place). Again, I get told that it wasn't anything and to not worry about it. So I start figuring that if this guy can get angry over seemingly nothing and it not be a problem, then I don't really know if I want to be associating myself this closely with them. So I start to back away. At this point he starts getting suspicious and wants to know what is going on, to which my reply was "I don't know". Harsh I know, but I really don't know. So that is pretty much where things are at the moment. He is still calling me and we are both still pretending as though things are okay, it is all very strange...
Then last Sunday night I met up with a friend of mine. At the beginning of the year he decided that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and started avoiding me and never calling. I started getting suspious fairly quickly considering he was one of my best friends and I talked to him at least once a day. So after a couple of months of nothing I sent him a message saying that I wanted to try and sort this before uni goes back. So we went for coffee. He arrives and asks if I have anything I want to ask him. I figure let's bypass all the small-talk and get right into what we came for. So I ask him what happened. His reply - "Becuase I liked you". People would have paid to have seen the look on my face. It was the last thing I EVER expected to hear. Apparently through the entire tenure of our friendship (exceeding a year) he liked me, but thought it best to never mention it until he absolutely had to, which apparently was the point in which he couldn't be around me anymore. We talked about it for a bit and he said that things started getting a little weird on his part and that he needed some space. All of this is fine and totally flattering to know that someone liked me that much for such a long period of time, but now things feel a little weird for me. I have never looked at this guy in that way, he is my friend and I want to keep it that way. But he admitted that the reson we had become so close was becuse he did like me, so I am wondering that if that feeling is taken away, where does that leave our friendship? Also, how can I talk to this person about guys that I like etc knowing that he has feelings for me? It is hardly fair right?
Then tonight I meet up with another friend. He makes it clear fairly early in the night that he wants something more than a friendship. I tell him that I can't because I am possibly seeing someone else and don't really know what I am doing at the moment. It is at this point he starts getting really angry and says that he is sick of playing second best. I had and still don't have any idea really what he was talking about. Something about him not wanting to loose ever, which I didn't realise I had been dipped in gold plating and become a trophy, but anyway...No idea what I am going to do about that either. The only thing I could say to get him to let me leave was that I would come back tomorrow night. Very likely was a blatant lie, but I didn't really know what else to do, this guy has like 40kg on me.
So that has been it for me over the last couple of months (boy wise anyway)and at the moment all I am really trying to primarily focus on is trying to study and become debt free so I can move out of home.
I know that this is all totally ridiculous, it is just taking up a lot of my time. And, ultimately, there is someone that I like. It isn't one of those three previously mentioned. This guy is great, yet he is the one person that I don't actually think is interested in that way, and I am too scared to tell. We are friends though and I guess that is better than nothing. At least I am not going through all this shit with him, and that is a large part of the reason why I don't want to tell him how I feel.
It is nice to know that there are people that are interested in me etc, but I just don't remember it being this difficult. I mean, can't two people like each other and things progress from there? Does there have to be all this bullshit in between? At the moment, I am still struggling to get over he who shall not be named...As much as I wish I didn't, I still miss him.
So, over the last few weeks things have gotten really interesting with me. I shall start in the best chronological order I can.
I met a guy. We started hanging out and he expressed his liking for me and so we started seeing each other. It was fun; we hung out lots and spent lots of time together. Then I started finding out all this bad stuff that he had done in the past and so I tried to play the non-judgemental card and accept it all. That was until this bad stuff started inadvertently affecting "us". I was taking him places that I didn't really feel comfortable going, and was feeling a sense of shame even thinking about the kind of trouble he was in. I also noticed that he had the shortest temper of anybody I had ever met, and that also wasn't sitting too well with me. Then one night it all rose to the surface when he obviously got angry at me, abruptly said he was taking a shower and never returned. A couple of hours later I left. I phoned him the following day asking what had happened and he said that it was nothing and to not worry about it. So I tried to write it off, but how could I, one second everything was fine, and the next second I am in his room alone while he is off doing I don't know what. So the next time I spoke to him I brought it up again (just to preface I either wanted an explanation or an apology, which I didn't think was too much to ask for considering he couldn't even give me a reason as to why he got angry in the first place). Again, I get told that it wasn't anything and to not worry about it. So I start figuring that if this guy can get angry over seemingly nothing and it not be a problem, then I don't really know if I want to be associating myself this closely with them. So I start to back away. At this point he starts getting suspicious and wants to know what is going on, to which my reply was "I don't know". Harsh I know, but I really don't know. So that is pretty much where things are at the moment. He is still calling me and we are both still pretending as though things are okay, it is all very strange...
Then last Sunday night I met up with a friend of mine. At the beginning of the year he decided that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and started avoiding me and never calling. I started getting suspious fairly quickly considering he was one of my best friends and I talked to him at least once a day. So after a couple of months of nothing I sent him a message saying that I wanted to try and sort this before uni goes back. So we went for coffee. He arrives and asks if I have anything I want to ask him. I figure let's bypass all the small-talk and get right into what we came for. So I ask him what happened. His reply - "Becuase I liked you". People would have paid to have seen the look on my face. It was the last thing I EVER expected to hear. Apparently through the entire tenure of our friendship (exceeding a year) he liked me, but thought it best to never mention it until he absolutely had to, which apparently was the point in which he couldn't be around me anymore. We talked about it for a bit and he said that things started getting a little weird on his part and that he needed some space. All of this is fine and totally flattering to know that someone liked me that much for such a long period of time, but now things feel a little weird for me. I have never looked at this guy in that way, he is my friend and I want to keep it that way. But he admitted that the reson we had become so close was becuse he did like me, so I am wondering that if that feeling is taken away, where does that leave our friendship? Also, how can I talk to this person about guys that I like etc knowing that he has feelings for me? It is hardly fair right?
Then tonight I meet up with another friend. He makes it clear fairly early in the night that he wants something more than a friendship. I tell him that I can't because I am possibly seeing someone else and don't really know what I am doing at the moment. It is at this point he starts getting really angry and says that he is sick of playing second best. I had and still don't have any idea really what he was talking about. Something about him not wanting to loose ever, which I didn't realise I had been dipped in gold plating and become a trophy, but anyway...No idea what I am going to do about that either. The only thing I could say to get him to let me leave was that I would come back tomorrow night. Very likely was a blatant lie, but I didn't really know what else to do, this guy has like 40kg on me.
So that has been it for me over the last couple of months (boy wise anyway)and at the moment all I am really trying to primarily focus on is trying to study and become debt free so I can move out of home.
I know that this is all totally ridiculous, it is just taking up a lot of my time. And, ultimately, there is someone that I like. It isn't one of those three previously mentioned. This guy is great, yet he is the one person that I don't actually think is interested in that way, and I am too scared to tell. We are friends though and I guess that is better than nothing. At least I am not going through all this shit with him, and that is a large part of the reason why I don't want to tell him how I feel.
It is nice to know that there are people that are interested in me etc, but I just don't remember it being this difficult. I mean, can't two people like each other and things progress from there? Does there have to be all this bullshit in between? At the moment, I am still struggling to get over he who shall not be named...As much as I wish I didn't, I still miss him.