Selfish Behavior !
I am being selfish. You may not agree, you may not like it, to be blunt I DON'T GIVE A SHIT !
I wanna stand on top of the highest mountain and scream that out loud. Maybe saying it will make me feel better.
Letting People Down
I am not 'there' for many people at the moment. Many friends have problems in their lives right now, problems which are very important and worth of sympathy / empathy / kindness. I feel disheartened that I do not feel inclined to offer any of the previous listed requirements.
Main Concerns
Mum, Ian and Angela. Ian and his health concern me, I want his arm to heal and I want his normal life to be restored. Angela I think is much more affected by the crash than she will admit. I want her to stop worrying about me and start talking to me more and confessing more. Not that she doesn't talk to me but I feel like I am receiving the edited version.
Of course mainly my mum. She has to be well, how can she not be, my mum is who I need here with me. Life cannot be so nasty as to make her ill, she doesn't deserve it. I want good luck and I want it now, it's about fucking time I got some. YOU LISTENING? GOD? ANGELS? MOTHER NATURE? ANY FUCKING ONE! Good Luck . . NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People I am Hurting
Old friends. You want me to be there for you, you need someone to talk to. Normally I would listen and offer advice, right now I can't bare to speak to any of you. Your problems seem insignificant to me right now. I cannot sympathise when I feel that you don't know the meaning of real problems. Those who know me well know that ths is not the person I normally am, and well maybe it isn't, but right now I have to focus on me, whether you like it or not. I have bigger problems to worry about and not enough sanity left to share with anyone else.
Lewis. I kick you when you are down, I have no understanding when you cannot tell me what I want to hear. I promised myself I would be 100% honest with you and I am being. I apologise if thats not what you want to hear but you have to deal with that. I cannot support you, I can barely support myself. Please find some strength to support us both. I cannot make you feel better, cannot heal your hurt. I am who I am, grouchy, depressed and down right pissed off with life. You HAVE to learn to deal with that, not for ever, just for now!.
When I am nasty I do not mean it personally, you always speak to me when I am at the end of my tether, thats a bad place to be. I mean it when I say sorry, I will only say it so many times however. I feel that I should not have to explain or apologise for my actions or my behaviour. You have to understand. You have to ! I don't have the energy to keep explaining! Sorry.
All in All
Life can be shit, I have a guardian Angel pendant around my neck in the vain hope it may help. Something has to. I want life back to normal, I never deserved this, I don't want it, and I have had enough!
Angie x x