if i lay here
tonight my eyes are so heavy that i almost cannot keep them open. i feel like everything is just too much. i go on from day to day and i only feel what i allow myself to feel. nothing more and nothing less. i write down what i allow myself to write. i speak what i allow myself to speak. if it's just too big or i think it will hurt just a little bit too much, i don't feel it. i push it somewhere. i dont know where that giant hole is, but it contains all of my deepest, darkest secrets. those things which even i will not admit to myself.
tonight i am having a hard time keeping all of it in. the hole seems almost bottomless, yet right now i feel like it is overflowing and about to burst at the seams. i feel like every contained part of me is screaming to get out, and like if i do not do something, i will explode any minute now. it will come out of my eyes and my skin and my fingertips. it will be everything which i am ashamed of, those things which i hate and i love more than i understand. i feel like i could go to sleep and sleep for one hundred years. i need to do anything just to keep the intensity of everything which haunts me inside and not let it out. my fingertips touch my face, and i do not recognize it. who is this girl sitting in front of a computer screen? who is this girl that walks down the halls every day? who is this girl?
i dont want to get up. i dont want to study. i dont want to eat. i just want to lie down and sleep and never, ever wake up. this life, these three years are coming all upon me at the same time. i cannot handle all the pain which i didn't allow myself to feel. three years worth. i cannot support all of those feelings. my heart feels nauseous, as if at any moment it will hurl out broken and gnarled pieces of something, that thing which i am desperately afraid of facing.
i want someone to put their hand on my heart and make sure it doesn't stop beating. i want someone to save my life. i cannot be the one who everyone comes to tonight. i cannot be a caretaker tonight. i don't know how tonight.
i don't want to be old. i don't want to understand. i want to be held and i want to just sleep.
i can't breathe
tonight i am having a hard time keeping all of it in. the hole seems almost bottomless, yet right now i feel like it is overflowing and about to burst at the seams. i feel like every contained part of me is screaming to get out, and like if i do not do something, i will explode any minute now. it will come out of my eyes and my skin and my fingertips. it will be everything which i am ashamed of, those things which i hate and i love more than i understand. i feel like i could go to sleep and sleep for one hundred years. i need to do anything just to keep the intensity of everything which haunts me inside and not let it out. my fingertips touch my face, and i do not recognize it. who is this girl sitting in front of a computer screen? who is this girl that walks down the halls every day? who is this girl?
i dont want to get up. i dont want to study. i dont want to eat. i just want to lie down and sleep and never, ever wake up. this life, these three years are coming all upon me at the same time. i cannot handle all the pain which i didn't allow myself to feel. three years worth. i cannot support all of those feelings. my heart feels nauseous, as if at any moment it will hurl out broken and gnarled pieces of something, that thing which i am desperately afraid of facing.
i want someone to put their hand on my heart and make sure it doesn't stop beating. i want someone to save my life. i cannot be the one who everyone comes to tonight. i cannot be a caretaker tonight. i don't know how tonight.
i don't want to be old. i don't want to understand. i want to be held and i want to just sleep.
i can't breathe