An end, and a beginning.
I looked at my previous entry and saw...such pathos. It doesn't *quite* look like someone else wrote it, but I can see that poor, pained soul typing away and dealing with what hurts inside so very much.
Of course I was tormenting myself needlessly. No one else was there, Alita wasn't home yet, etc., etc.
There's something a friend once told me that really helps: people don't think about me as much as I think about them. Very true.
I've been...what, on ice? Outside the normal highschool social dynamic most of us go through in our late teens? I'm going through it now, and it's traumatic of course, but navigable. I want to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can. We're a month-out from disbanding. It scares me, less than it did before, and that's the new beginning I was talking about.
My mission: find a roommate, move into my new apartment, and live a *designed* life. And by designed I mean one hewn together by my desires and wants, not someone elses. I lived under my dad's thumb for so long and had everything...not quite controlled, but critiqued so much I just take the path of least resistance. While I'm not by any means a sychophant, I do tend to let roommates overwhelm me as I get to know them, sometimes even letting them override my own common sense ("we can get that out with lighter fluid!" "uhhh..."). So I've been living by osmosis from those around me. Which has been surviving, not Living.
So now, as a man who is well educated, well paid, and enjoying his writings and academic ideas, what do I do next?
Whatever I want.
Of course I was tormenting myself needlessly. No one else was there, Alita wasn't home yet, etc., etc.
There's something a friend once told me that really helps: people don't think about me as much as I think about them. Very true.
I've been...what, on ice? Outside the normal highschool social dynamic most of us go through in our late teens? I'm going through it now, and it's traumatic of course, but navigable. I want to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can. We're a month-out from disbanding. It scares me, less than it did before, and that's the new beginning I was talking about.
My mission: find a roommate, move into my new apartment, and live a *designed* life. And by designed I mean one hewn together by my desires and wants, not someone elses. I lived under my dad's thumb for so long and had everything...not quite controlled, but critiqued so much I just take the path of least resistance. While I'm not by any means a sychophant, I do tend to let roommates overwhelm me as I get to know them, sometimes even letting them override my own common sense ("we can get that out with lighter fluid!" "uhhh..."). So I've been living by osmosis from those around me. Which has been surviving, not Living.
So now, as a man who is well educated, well paid, and enjoying his writings and academic ideas, what do I do next?
Whatever I want.